You Can’t Eat the Teachers, Man! (Cooties, 2015)

Kids are mean. We all know that. Cooties just takes that to the next level. Cooties opens with the most gruesome images possible. Chickens being ground into chicken nuggets. Because tainted chicken nuggets will cause stuff.

Then we meet Clint (Elijah Wood), an aspiring writer making ends meet as a substitute teacher. He has no real heart for it…he uses his class to get notes on his horror novel. In the midst of a reading, the class bully is attacked by by a girl he was teasing, getting a severe bite.

Soon, the teachers find themselves trying to survive in a school of zombie children. They hope to hold out in a room, but this is a horror film. Mayhem cannot be avoided.

And a hilarious massacre it is. The film’s zombie still behave like kids, they run, they jump, they play with grown ups by ripping them to pieces. Just like my nephews. But seriously, the film takes an absurd premise and has a lot of fun with it.

While there is nothing truly original in the setups, the writing makes great use of cliched things like love triangles, absurdly overbearing gym teachers, clueless adults, etc. The film has fun with it’s cliches, rather than hiding behind it to pretend to have a plot.

Along with clever writing, the film is populated with terrific comedic character actors such as Rainn Wilson, Nasim Pedrad and Jack McBrayer. Elijah Wood and Alison Pill are terrific fun as well. And Leigh Wannell (one of the few actor’s known for his straight up horror roles) is entertaining as an oddball science teacher. Oh yeah, and Jorge Garcia from Lost is quite entertaining as a stoner school crossing guard.

Much like Tucker and Dale Versus Evil, the film is quite gory, yet somehow manages to not overpower the comedy. The effects are solid and help sell the horror side of the film. Simply put, I was laughing throughout the film, and was engaged by the characters through the entire film.

October 12, 2015 0

Sinister Times (Sinister, 2012)

Last year, a movie called Insidious was released. Director Scott Derrickson saw that and set about discussing ideas with the guys who produced Insidious. What Derrickson and his team have produced is Sinister. What exactly is it?

Ethan Hawke is Ellison, a real crime writer who hit it big with his first novel (partially because it helped expose shoddy police work and free an innocent man) but has seen decline in the years that followed. This is hot home in that the only book people ask him to sign in the film is that first book. He believes that if he can just find that one story for a new book…he can return to that former glory.

To this end, he moves his family into a home where the previous family was murdered and one of the children disappeared. Ellison hopes to crack the mystery, maybe even help find out what became of the missing child. To make this possible, he moves his family into the very home where the previous family was killed. When setting up his office, he goes into the attic, and discovers an old box marked Home Movies.

In the box, Ellison finds a set of super eight films and a projector. This discovery sets in motion a series of events that leads to a most inevitable ending. As he watches each film and starts to research what he sees, he finds the story growing and growing into something…terrifying.

As thrillers and horror films go, Sinister is a strong story. It uses some risky devices, and in a lot of hands, this might have become a Hostel style gore-fest. Instead, Derrickson will often shy from graphic violence in favor of unnerving the viewer. In one scene, we are focused on Hawke- causing the screen behind him to be blurry-we know what’s happening, but Hawke’s horror is telling us what we need to know. And another nicely shot reflects a portion of the screen in Ellison’s glasses. The film quickly will cut away from possible gore, yet not hide from the horror.

The audio of the film really absorbs the viewer. It is hard to tell where sound effects and musical queues are ending or beginning. Music will be punctuated with a sound that relates to the (silent) super 8 image (such as a lawn mower). You will hear woven into the music the sound of the super 8 projector. The sound department and composer Christopher Young provide support to Derrickson’s story that pull you inside the story. There are musical moments still worming through and haunting my brain.

Derrickson, his cinematographer Chris Norr and film editor Frédéric Thoraval create an incredibly strong visual sense. The repeated choppy shots of Hawke splicing film or threading film through the projector creates a frenetic sense of urgency and he works his way through each horrifying film reel. There is a wonderful shot of Hawke falling asleep on his couch and the scene going from night to day.

Throughout the film, Hawke’s Ellison talks about his legacy, his desire to have one more shot. His wife struggles to reach through that to get him to see his family should be his center. The problem is, he thinks that is exactly what is driving his desire to break down the wall of success. It’s for his family. We get to see footage of a younger Ellison being interviewed where he argues bringing justice trumps any feelings of fame and the importance of family over fortunes…we see he has lost his way these things…or maybe he never believed them in his heart.

Along with Ellison’s struggles between the hope of fame and his family, there are metaphysical questions regarding spiritual things, media and how it changes the nature of human kind.

In light of the various themes, the film’s final spoken line is both tragic, chilling and apropos.

Sinister is a powerful experience. Along with the visuals and audio, Hawke is compelling in his role as a man unraveling. He is grasping for a hand to grab hold of, but he’s being dragged further into a despairing abyss. I would have to say this is probably the best serious horror experience I have had this year.

Also, a movie monster that is a snappy dresser. Love those.

October 11, 2015 0

Into the Mire (Muck, 2015)

Muck opens with a group of friends who just survived an attack on St. Patrick’s Day in a marsh. They apparently got separated in the chaos, but they came together again and hole up and a random vacation home. Once there characters go off for help, others stay and wait. They discover they are not alone, and the carnage begins.

The film is only about an hour and a half, and yet, it feels much longer. It is slow moving, and has to many false starts to potential scares. The camera focuses on, say, a doorknob on a half open door, closing in on it with “scary music” playing. Then the scene ends. There is a long and drawn out scene at a bar where the guy who ran for help runs into a bunch of people and nothing happens. He does not call the police or anything. The bigger question is…if it was that easy to get to the bar? Why didn’t everyone just go walking off with him?

Most of the women in the film seem to be there for how they look in push-up bras or even topless. There is one character who just wanders through the swamps topless…we never see her face and in the final indignity in the credits? The actress is unnamed. They show her (cutting her head from the frame) and block out her name.

The film tries to be meta and clever. They are in the town of Wes Craven. When the friends get to the house one of the guys goes on in a speech explaining how this is a text book horror movie. none of this is done well.

The real carnage is in the story. It is not a problem to start in the middle as the film does. But you have to offer clues and fill in the blanks. If you don’t you just leave the viewer confused. It is unclear the connection between the creatures attacking the friends and Kane Hodder’s Grawesome Crutal. They look similar, but that appears to be lazy design. They are all caked in a white make-up with some scar designs.

The monsters of the film do not seem to have a specific goal or purpose, at least not one the film hints at. Is the setting on St. Patrick’s Day Significant? It does not appear to be. Kane Hodder’s character is lacking any definition. It is as if they hired Hodder on the promise of an iconic Jason type role…and then never actually thought about what they wanted him to be. Leaving Hodder with little to work with beyond being big and imposing.

The timeline is confusing and messy. It is never clear when the time is jumping back. It is a clear attempt to show us something and then see it from a new perspective. But instead of being illuminating? It just leaves it it feeling more confused than before. The film’s lighting works against the film. The lighting is often muddled and resulting in hard to understand pictures. The only time there ever seems to be any attention to lighting is to make sure you can see when the girls are posing.

The film wants to be an eighties throw back, but they seem to think that mainly means “lots of Boobs.” Practically every single actress appears topless or naked. I personally think that is setting the bar low. But when you have Kane Hodder in your horror film and give second billing to a Playboy Playmate who is in about ten minutes of the film? Clearly your film has problems. I realize that horror films in the 80’s actually did that all the time (hyping centerfolds appearing in the film)…but here it just feels like the filmmakers miss the point of “throwback”. 80’s horror tends to have at least a minimal plot.

Muck has somehow garnered a sequel for 2016 called Muck: Feast of St. Patrick. Will it answer the questions? If it does? Probably very badly.

October 11, 2015 0

Camping On Elm Street (Freddy Vs Jason, 2003)

For about a decade Newline tried to come up with a movie bringing Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees together in a single film. There were a lot of false starts. It had been awhile since we saw film franchises cross (Aliens v Predator was still a year away). You had to expect that in the end, this would probably be terrible. When they announced Ronny Yu would be directing, that offered some hope, as his Bride of Chucky was actually quite entertaining. The news that while Englund was back, Kane was not left more than a few fans disappointed. Watching the completed film? I actually had fun. Sure this ain’t high art. But it was funny, energetic and kind of interesting. The effects were pretty solid overall, though some moments were clearly computer generated. And the Jason Mewes clone(I kid you not…I expected him to yell “Snootchie Bootchies!”) was a bit ridiculous.

I think Kane Hodder brings a bit more personality to Jason than Ken Kirzinger did. Part of that is that Kane is a six foot, broad wall of muscle. His Jason is large and powerful looking. Kirzinger is a bit taller and less broad…his Jason look much taller and sleeker. The same can be said for Derek Mears from the 2010 remake of Friday the 13th. These guys were not bad…but they were not Hodder.

There was a generous amount of nudity, for those who feel that is important to a slasher flick(I do not fall into that camp I am afraid). This is clearly more of a carryover from the Friday the 13th series…there’s nudity in the Elm Streets of course…but not to the degree that there is in a Jason flick.

For Jason, this is a redemption of sorts from the painful Jason X. Thankfully, that took place far in the future and this movie could happily ignore it. The writers found a pretty interesting way to bring the characters together. Freddy had lost access to his power, the kids of Elm Street are drugged and no longer dreaming. So to cause them to fear again, he resurrects Jason and sends him on a murder spree. but when Freddy is finally strong enough, he finds Jason out of control-killing Freddy’s intended victims.

So Freddy embarks on a mission to take down Jason so he can get back to his own killing spree. Meanwhile, Lori (Monica Keena) and her friends are trying to figure out how to stop Freddy and Jason with the help of a local cop (Lochlyn Munro) who transferred in from the Camp Crystal Lake area.

Englund slipped right back into the role of Freddy. Cracking wise and being generally vicious. But he pulls it off…Freddy seems a little darker than in the sequels that followed the original. Not a comedian who kills…and some of the facial reactions he pulls off under that makeup is great. There is a great moment where he suddenly realizes he has been pulled into the real world, and Englund’s expression is that of genuine fear.

As I said towards the beginning, this is a fun movie with a lot of energy, mostly for fans of the franchises, but horror fans in general should be able to find stuff to like.

October 10, 2015 0

Let’s Go Camping Part 11 (Friday the 13th, 2009)

2009 one of those reboots, much like 2010’s Nightmare on Elm Street. And, to an extent, you know…maybe a franchise should get a fresh reboot every few years. But the only fresh thing about the 2009 reboot of Friday the 13th? They compressed the entire first film into a two minute opening sequence. It follows the basic trajectory of a Jason based movie. No new take. Just more CW actors, lots of gratuitous nudity of the female variety (unlike the Nightmare reboot, girls drop their tops for things like wake boarding).

Sure, the violence is slicker, the kills a bit more over the top. But the story is no stronger, the humor falls slatt-uh-flatter…

In rebooting, they basically follow exact same formula. Campers go out and party, stumble on Jason (or vice versa) and mayhem follows. It’s the same old story. Well, except, there are now underground tunnels.

Jason is “smarter” in this film, seeming to make plans and set traps. So, there is that. The teens, on the other hand, are a mixed bag. You have the first totally disposable group. Jason offs them quickly so as to set up the plot of Jared Padelecki from Supernatural (now both leads from that show have a horror remake under their belts) as a concerned brother looking for his missing sister.

He meets up with a group of kids led by the requisite rich jerk that apparently hangs out with people who hate him-but want to take advantage of his awesome cabin conveniently located right on Camp Crystal Lake. You have the funny black guy, the desperate virgin Asian guy, the hot free spirit, the hot sensitive girl and the hot sex kitten (who is almost indistinguishable from the hot free spirit), the rebel and the rich jerk.

Jared and the rich jerk do not get along-because Rich Jerks do not care about little things like missing and possibly dead family. But Rich Jerk’s girlfriend-the hot sensitive girl- takes pity on Jared and they go walking through the woods.

Jason has set up shop beneath the old and abandoned camp in tunnels. Because… why not? (Real answer: it was a solution by the screenwriters to explain how Jason can just “show up” everywhere) He has Jared’s sister chained up because…well, we do not really know, there is some indication she looks a lot like Jason’s mom. So, like any good son, he chains his mother figure up in a cave. What? You wouldn’t?

There are a series of random deaths, as Jason works his way through the characters. Eventually, Jason has whittle the cast down to Jared, Hot Sensitive Girl and Jared’s Sister. They have a final showdown with Jason and dump him in the lake. Then it’s time for the Sudden Scare.

The movie never makes any use of it’s potentially interesting aspects. I mean, why not play around with Jason’s apparent mother fixation on Jared’s sister? Maybe show Jason trying to be the good but homicidal son? Not understanding why mommy is displeased with gifts like a human head?

What we are left with is a film that pretty much reinvents the wheel with a glossy finish. There are kills, weak jokes, predictable jumps points, and zero surprises. Some of the various sequels took bigger risks than this reboot.

But hey, white supremacist horror movie fans will be relieved to know that non-white people still cannot get out of one of these movies alive.

October 10, 2015 0

Lets Go Camping Part 10 (Jason X, 2001)

Pretty much ignoring Jason Goes to Hell, Jim Isaac (director) and Todd Farmer (writer) give us Jason’s first (and to date only) trip to space. Eat your heart out Neil Armstrong.

Granted, both the Leprechaun and Pinhead (from the Hellraiser films) had already gone into space about five years before, so it is not a wholly original idea.

The film begins with a top secret military base below Camp Crystal Lake (!) where Jason is being held until he can be transported by movie director David Cronenberg (!) and a bunch of military guys. This goes badly, and Jason ends up trapped in cryogenic sleep along with a young woman named Rowan (Lexa Doig) who was trying to prevent his escape.

Decades later they are found by students on a field trip to a now barren earth. The students bring them back to their ship and their teacher thinks he can get a lot of money for Jason. They revive Rowan, then Jason wakes up and mayhem ensues.

The film has middling effects, the practical stuff looks good, but the digital looks very, well, digital. The story is out there and includes all sorts of odd things like a girl android in love with her creator, Jason getting a chrome makeover, killing holographic campers, soldiers hanging out on the spaceship, terrible “Future Clothing Fashion”…there is a ridiculously high body count in this film. It is full of stock characters (the stoner, the smart kid, the jock, the greedy guy, etc) who never amount to much.

This film never worries about explaining why Jason is not in hell. It never worries about explaining much, actually. Needless to say, this helped the studio push forward with a Freddy and Jason movie to wash the taste of this one out of fans mouths.

October 9, 2015 0

Let’s Go Camping Part 9 (Jason Goes to Hell: the Final Friday, 1993)

I like the title. It doesn’t warn you that it is NUMBER NINE in the series. And by golly, it is the Final Friday! This is the end of the series. For sure.

And in a grand revisionism, we get new members of the Vorhees clan (Played by Col. Wilma Deering!), a crazy bounty hunter (played by the police captain from 21 Jump Street!) and a bunch of character actors playing wacky hicks. The movie starts out very basic. Attractive woman goes to a cabin, gets naked for a shower and the lights go out. She puts on an industrial strength towel and leaves the bathroom. She looks around, it is just the wind, she turns around and sees JASON! What misdirection! Jason raises a machete and misses the girl one foot away, but he manages to break the railing and she falls to the floor and smashes a coffee table. Towel stays intact. She jumps up and runs out the door. Towel Stays intact. She slides across her car Dukes of Hazzard Style, and hides behind it as Jason steps out of the cabin. Towel Stays intact. She runs. Towel Stays intact. And runs. Towel Stays intact. And runs. Towel Stays intact. Through a forest. Barefoot. In a towel. Jason lumbers. Towel Stays intact. Jason catches up, but we discover-IT’S A TRAP!!! There are military guys everywhere. They shoot Jason with machine guns and mortar rounds. They launch missiles at him. Jason go boom. The military guys hand the girl her soldier uniform (a hat). Everyone is happy. Towel Stays intact. That was an impressive towel.

But here is the twist. Jason is not…dead. Oh, wait, that’s not a twist? Shoot. At the autopsy, a familiar character actor sees Jason’s still beating heart and eats it, thus transferring Jason’s essence into his body. How is that for a twist?! See, Jason wears bodies like I wear a suit. Poorly. We also meet our young hero, John LeMay (who has gone on to an inspiring career playing such roles as…um…I am not sure). He is in love with Wilma Deering’s daughter (Kari Keegan, you might remember her from the uncredited role of “former girlfriend” in Jerry Maguire-NO?), even though they broke up.

Then there is The Bounty Hunter (Captain Fuller from 21 Jump Street. Oh, and Mr. X on the X-Files. My friend Rob would be heart broken if I forgot to mention that). He’s a wacky bounty hunter who speaks in crazy metaphors and is an expert in all things Jason. He is just waiting for someone to pony up enough cash to catch Jason.

This film is a crazy mess of a film. The story makes no sense and an all new back story is invented for Jason. Suddenly he is a body hopping spirit aided by demons. Special knives are now required to end Jason. He suddenly has additional family members.

The film attempts to wink and nudge it’s way through working hard to be self aware. In one scene, we see a guy and girl getting it on. She says he has to use a condom, he whines, so she says “what the heck” and throws the condom out of the tent. And for that, Jason guts her and her boyfriend. As Jason walks away, his boot grinds the unopened condom into the mud. How this never became a safe sex ad on TV is beyond me.

In the end, the ground opens up, giant hands grab Jason and a light shines down from heaven, Jason is sucked in to the earth, leaving behind only his hockey mask. LeMay and Keegan walk off (with the baby). Suddenly, a clawed, gloved hand bursts from the dirt, pulls the mask into the ground and we hear Freddy cackle. This started the hopes of horror fans everywhere for a Freddy and Jason movie. And then eight years later we got…a sequel without Freddy…

October 9, 2015 2

Let’s Go Camping Part 8 (Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan, 1989)

Yep. Jason Takes Manhattan. Again, Kane Hodder makes Jason very entertaining to watch. Anyways, the movie starts on the Streets of Manhattan where a voice talks about the gritty city…eventually, after the credits are over we get to Crystal Lake and a small houseboat on which two high school seniors are getting it on. The anchor drags along the bottom and picks up a powerline. Juice jumps to the body of Jason, who is chained to the bottom of the lake, yet again. The boyfriend hears a noise. He leaves the girl, and she starts to get predictably nervous. Suddenly a guy in a hockey mask pops in and stabs her! Oh wait, it’s just a retractable knife. She gets so mad at him that they get back into bed to have sex. I gotta remember that…making a woman think you are a mass murder and she could have been your next victim is a turn on to the ladies. Of course, if you are paying any attention when you popped the disc in the player, you know Jason is on the boat and ready to kill, kill, kill. And so he walks in grabs the hockey mask and a spear gun. The girl sees him, freaks out causing her boyfriend to turn a few shades of white as he turns around. Jason shows the tried and true aim of a Stormtrooper from Star Wars and misses the two kids that he is five feet away from. Don’t worry, he remedies the situation and manages to kill them both.

The next morning we meet the senior class of Crystal Lake High…all fifteen of them. Just like any high school class there are your basic stereotypes. The Jock and his friends. The friendly Black Jock. The Hot, Self Absorbed Blonde and her follower (in most movies she has more than one, in this film it is just Kelly Hu). The video nerd. The rocker chick. The nice geek. The nice teacher. The creepy principal and then there is the Troubled Heroine and her dog. She is scare of the water. And is getting on a big boat. She has waking nightmares about a young boy calling for help. Sometimes? Its a young boy with a full head of hair. Other times, its a deformed boy who looks like young Jason. They are both supposed to be Jason though. Go figure. Jason grabs onto the side of the boat. Then there is the ominous deck hand who keeps saying everyone is going to die. Every ship should have one of those. Maybe the Titanic would not have sunk.

Jason wanders the boat, killing just about everyone. For some reason, he thinks it’s better to kill the captain and it’s crew first, ensuring that the ship start to have technical difficulties forcing the survivors to jump ship in a life raft. Real smart Jason. So the Nice Geek, Nice Teacher, the Friendly Black Jock, the Creepy Principal and the Troubled Heroine (without her dog) all float along until they reach New York. But Jason gets there as well. And lucky for Jason, people are not faced by walking corpses wearing Hockey Masks in New York, so he is not phased.

Some druggie gang members kidnap the Troubled Heroine and shoot her up as they get ready to rape her. Her friends all split up to try and find cops. Well, before the gang members can rape her, Jason steps in to save the day. Jason isn’t so bad after all, right? So, our now high and Troubled Heroine runs away and meets up with the Nice Geek. They go looking for everyone else. The Friendly Black Jock turns a corner and meets Jason, well, that’s not good! Being a minority is bad news in a Friday the 13th film. If you want to live. He runs from Jason and climbs a fire escape. But apparently, Jason is able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. The Friendly Black Jock starts punching Jason. Jason just stands there until the Friendly Black Jock is so tired he is missing Jason (who is one foot away-I did not say he was a Friendly Black TALENTED ATHLETE Jock).. Then, all tired out he says to Jason one of the stupidest things you can say to an undead serial killer. “Go ahead…take your best shot”. So, with one punch, Jason knocks his block off. Literally.

In the meantime, the other four have met back up and found a cop. He makes them get into the back seat. When he opens his door the dome light reveals the head of the Friendly Black Jock on the dashboard. Everyone screams and the cops starts calling for help…rather in vain as Jason grabs him and drags him away. The Troubled Heroine jumps to the front seat, apparently, the cop cars in NY have no screen dividing the front and back seats. She speeds the car down the alley and Jason steps in front of the car. Suddenly she sees little deformed Jason soaking wet…and she runs him over and crashes the car…everyone but Friendly Teacher get out before the car explodes. Suddenly, the Troubled Heroine has a flashback to the Creepy Principal (her uncle, did I forget to mention that?) pushing her out of a boat to force her to swim, where she gets pulled under water by deformed young Jason. Seven and eight really mess with the Chronology of the series with these flash backs, but if you don’t try and make a logical timeline you will be okay.

So the Nice Geek and the Troubled Heroine run away from Creepy Prinipal. Jason wakes up and starts chasing him. The Creepy Principal runs into a building. It’s here that Jason displays his ability to teleport as suddenly the Creepy Principal flies from the second floor window. Jason looks at him and disappears from the window. Suddenly he is on ground level and grabs the Creepy Principal, carries him over to a barrel full of grungy looking rain water and drowns him in it.

Jason goes after the last two survivors. They duck into the subways and he follows. Oddly people are more annoyed by the kids pulling an emergency break on the Subway than the Homicidal Maniac in the Hockey Mask. Jason appears to get electrocuted by the train tracks. This allows the Nice Geek and Troubled Heroine to say, “It’s all over!” Its not of course…and They see Jason in the middle of Times Square. They run through the streets. Jason passes some punk rockers listening to rap. Apparently, Jason doesn’t “feel” hip hop, as he KICKS their boom box in stride. They of course start to make threats. Jason stops, turns around and lifts his mask and the punks have a change of heart. Jason lets them live and walks away. Best gag in the entire film. He follows the two remaining kids into the sewers.

But the Troubled Heroine throws a bucket of toxic waste in Jason’s face. And it burns. But Jason does not give up. He stumbles down the Sewer. Well, the Trouble Heroine and the Nice Geek hit a dead end, but there is a ladder. They climb to the grate at the top, but it won’t budge. They are stuck as Jason reaches the ladder. OH SHIT! WHAT WILL THEY DO?! Did you know that at midnight, NY floods the sewers with Deadly Toxic Waste? Me neither, but according to the movie, they do. You would think they would not want us to hear about that. The NY Film Commission is just stupid. Or maybe they are just greedy. I don’t know.

So, anyways, the deadly toxic waste floods the hall. Jason sees it and starts vomiting water as the wall of toxic waste tumbles towards him. Not sure why. It’s just what Jason does. The toxic wastes hits Jason and he starts to disintegrate. Luckily, the toxic waste is odor and fume free, so our two survivors are not at risk of being knocked out by the fumes and falling into the waste. Then the toxic waste recedes. Leaving a normal, non-Jason looking little boy lying dead in his swimming suit. They killed Jason’s true spirit…or something like that. The two survivors find a way out and walk onto the streets at sunrise. Now they can say “It’s all over”. As they hug, something catches the Troubled Heroine’s eye. Whoa, is it Jason? Nope. It’s her dog, who we last saw on the boat. What a relief!!!! And then the credits role.

This is not a good film. The story is muddled, the characters are light sketches even by slasher movie standards.

You might think Jason going to Manhattan is as an absurd concept as a franchise can get. Just remember…Jason has been to space.

October 8, 2015 0

Let’s Go Camping Part 7 (Friday the 13th: New Blood, 1988)

There was only one year the entire decade without a Friday the 13th movie released. 1987. But 1988 sure fixed that problem! Well, I gotta give them points for trying something a little different. Instead of a bunch of teen victims with nothing to help them, we get a girl with telekinetic powers.

The story opens with a backstory, in case this is your first Friday. And old man tells us that Jason is still down there…waiting. Then we meet a little girl whose parents are fighting. According to what we hear, daddy hits mommy. The little girl runs to her family’s doc and jumps into a boat with dad running out after her. He gets to the end of the dock, making all the apologies abusive dads do. But the little girl will have none of it and her super powers kick in…see, she makes water bubble…and that bubbling trail is deadly…it goes back the fancy dock. It starts to shake and then collapses, taking Daddy with it. He sinks to the bottom and dies.

Fast forward to when the girl (Tina) is older and apparently suffering from years of therapy. Her mother is driving her back to Crystal Lake, to confront her demons with the help of her psychiatrist. The actor playing the psychiatrist is none other than Bernie of the weekend of Bernie films. It’s pretty obvious early on he has sinister intentions, the film makes no attempts to hide that. Really,it would have been far more interesting if he was a good and caring doctor. Next door are a bunch of partying teens. Thankfully, we get a realistic portrayal of a group of teens this time around. Everyone knows that in each group of friends you have one rich, hot, bitchy girl. You have one geek. One dope smoking fiend. One or two “plain girls” who compete for one guy. And at least one really horny couple (this film gives us two glory hallelujeh!). And finally, you have the one guy who does not really like the others, a bit of a rebel, but with a heart of gold.

When Tina’s luggage bursts open, the rebel tries to help her, and she rudely brushes himself off. The obvious reaction is to be intrigued and assume it was your fault she was rude to you…and that’s exactly what he does. She ignores his attempts to give a shirt back to her, storming off into her house. So he WASHES it and gives it back to her. And invites her to the birthday party they are all there to celebrate. So she goes. Of course, hot, rich bitchy girl humiliates her and she runs outside. She stands on the dock, crying about her abusive dad. Wishing she had not killed him. She concentrates on the water and frees Jason. That makes two movies where Jason is set upon the world by the people who stop him. Good going.

She faints, Jason looks around, decides killing unconscious people is not very fun and goes off to kill awake people. We have death by fist, tree, tent spike, tree pruner, axe and the old fashioned head crush. There is even an homage to Jaws…which the director makes all about the T&A. This film actually has some of the most offensive “victims see Jason and wait for him to kill them” moments. This homage is the worst of them. Because when Jason bursts from the water about ten feet away, the girl’s response is to scream and tread wildly. Pretty soon Tina and her love interest, the Rebel with a Heart of Gold are all that’s left. But supergirl Tina and the Rebel with a heart of gold fight back. Well, supergirl Tina fights back, the Rebel with a Heart of Gold just gets thrown around…a lot. Finally, supergirl Tina makes the house blow up (will, it’s a bit more nuanced than that, but I don’t feel like giving a blow by blow account) with Jason inside. But Jason is not so easily dispatched and walks from the burning rubble out onto the dock where supergirl Tina and the Rebel with a Heart of Gold are resting up. Jason tosses him aside-yet again-and Tina starts to panic…suddenly something bursts from the dock and grabs Jason. Apparently, nobody thought it was a good idea to removed the body of her dead father all those years ago, and he actually looks quite good. He wraps chains around Jason and pulls him into the deep. The firemen and paramedics come along and everyone is safe. I love a happy ending.

There is a lot of fun in the fact that Tina is able to fight Jason, and there is a nice juxtaposition with her powers being mind based and Jason being a pure physical force. The special effects are quite strong for their time. This is not terribly surprising since Director John Carl Beuchler came from an effects background. This is one of the more energized films in the franchise.

This is Kane Hodder’s first time as Jason and he brings a lot of presence and physical character. His run in the Franchise is one of the high points.

BTW, Seven is the first film where the titles do not literally explode onto the screen. 1-6 all featured the words “Friday the 13th” which were then obliterated by the subtitle flying up from behind.

October 8, 2015 0

Lets Go Camping Part 6 (Friday the 13th: Jason Lives, 1986)

The new title is Jason Lives. Which is a bit of a misleading title. After all, I am not sure a walking corpse fits the definition of “living”. The story once again involves crazy Tommy Jarvis who is now a little talkier and tough than in # 5. And less homicidal. Apparently, he got the help he needed and did not become Jason II. Really, six ignores five entirely. For all intents and purposes, this Tommy is a completely new character.

Part six actually marks a turning point. This is when intentional humor started to be added to the series. It seems as though they knew they had milked the basic formula to death and had to alter it ever so slightly. It is the beginning of the “Let’s throw it at the wall and see what sticks” era. And I think it helps make the later films more enjoyable.

The story begins with Crazy Tommy and his pal from the institution Arnold Horshack (yeah, from Welcome Back Cotter) speeding down a country road. Tommy needs to prove to himself that Jason is dead. So he goes to the cemetery. Jason has been given a real night plot of land. As they start to dig, the wind picks up. Tommy gets to the box that Jason is buried in. After prying it open, we find Jason is decomposing and near mummified. But still covered in maggots. That’s pretty good since he was in the ground for, what, ten years? Well, Tommy still can’t believe it, so he takes a metal post and stabs Jason with it repeatedly (all while a storm brews overhead). Tommy climbs out of the hole just as lightning strikes-TWICE- in the metal post lodged into Jason’s chest. Apparently, lightning can regenerate dried out eyes, because Jason starts scanning his location. Tommy jumps down and covers Jason in gasoline. As he jumps out of the Grave, Jason spryly jumps up and grabs him. As you can imagine, this freaks Horshack out. But he need not worry. Jason kills him quickly. Tommy runs away and Jason decides to go home.

Number six marks the first and last time the series returns to the camp counselors in danger motif. This time, however, the counselors live long enough for the kids to arrive. Tommy runs to the police to tell them that Jason lives. The police totally believe him and they hunt Jason down and trap him in the lake. Heh. Just kidding. The police never believe young people in movies. No they get mad at Tommy and threaten to kill him. But the police Chief’s hot blonde daughter (Jennifer Cooke in her last role according to the IMDB) thinks he might not be crazy. It’s to bad for her friends she can’t convince her dad. Jason starts killing all the counselors. It’s all pretty routine Jason stuff there.

Jason stalks and kills. One thing I have noticed about Crystal Lake…the doors on all the houses are not very strong. They routinely burst open from gusts of wind. And man, Crystal Lake is like, super prone to either heavy rains or super windy days. So Tommy and the Hot Blonde get out to the camp and find the empty squad cars. Jason has killed everyone but daddy the chief and the kids. The Chief has a bizarre confrontation with Jason. He shoots him with a big ass rifle. And it knocks Jason down. But he gets up again. The Chief shoots again, Jason gets knocked down, but gets up again. And another shot. Jason gets knocked down, but gets up again. Clearly, nothin’ is gonna keep him down. Jason starts walking toward the Chief who throws the big ass rifle away and opts for the far deadlier pistol he carries. Which does far less damage, but you never know. Jason breaks him in half. Yup. You heard me.

Jason finds the Hot Blonde and gets ready to use his patented “Head Crush Fatality” on her. But Tommy saves the day. He calls out to Jason, and Jason, like a homicidal puppy follows. Jason marches into the lake, disappearing into the depths. He leaps up onto the boat, they struggle and Tommy times a chain around Jason’s neck. Jason body slams the boat cracking it in half. He and Tommy sink to the bottom. Jason holds on to Tommy until he appears dead. Then he lets Tommy float to the surface.

The Hot Blonde is worried when she sees the lifeless body of Tommy bobbing on the surface. So she swins out to get him. Apparently the deepest Crystal Lake gets is about twelve feet, as Jason easily grabs her foot while he is chained to the bottom. She grabs at the motor of the boat Jason smashed, as it is one of those floating motors that will not sink if you drop it into the water. She grinds Jason’s mask and head up with the rotary blade and he lets go. She gets Tommy back to the shore, performs CPR-just like on Baywatch-and Tommy survives, everyone is happy. Cue Alice Cooper song and roll credits.

As noted, overall, it is pretty routine. However, director Tom Mcoughlin pulls off some generally nice and moody visuals. Such as a shot that follows a counselor walking through the girls cabin. Just out of her sight, following outside is Jason. And there are some genuinely funny jokes (one kid turns to another and asks “So what were you going to be when you grew up?”.

This is far more entertaining than the last, but still follows the main conventions of a Jason Movie.

October 7, 2015 0