Dilemmas 2 (A Christmas Prince: the Royal Wedding, 2018)

AMBER AND THE PRINCE ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!

So, Amber has made a name for herself blogging about her relationship with the Prince and his family. But, surprise, surprise, none of this is sitting well with the Royals. Well, the Queen and the Prince are a bit distracted by unrest in the country. But the employees of the royal family are dead set on keeping the protocols as the wedding looms.

Amber’s New York bred father is in town and things are off to a rocky start (a new actor is in the role and there is a sort of funny gag where Emily tells Amber that he looks different without his goatee). As the country is in turmoil, the problems become bigger as Amber’s blog gets taken down by the royals and her plans to pick the royal Christmas tree is constantly getting interrupted.

The problem is, the austerity subplot kind of undermines Amber. She seem’s downright petty at times. People are losing their jobs and she is mad about her wedding dress. However, the film does try and fix this, as it does show Amber trying to get to the bottom of just why the country’s infrastructure program is performing so abysmally.

They try and do some surprises, both with returning characters and new ones…but I have to say, the biggest twist was pretty easy to anticipate.

I think if you loved the first one, you will enjoy this one. I found the first film perfectly light entertainment, but I do feel like this film hurts itself with its attempts at real world issues being forced into a fairytale format. I did not hate it, but I cannot recommend this one unless you were a die-hard fan of the first film.

December 12, 2018 0

Dilemmas (A Christmas Prince, 2017)

Amber is a journalist with big dreams to break a big story. She gets the assignment to go to a small country and cover its playboy prince, who seems far from ready to inherit the throne. She arrives, only to find that the story she was sent there for is pretty much canceled. But as she expects to return home, she is instead mistaken for the new tutor to the prince’s younger sister, Emily.

Amber plays along but as she gets to know the family, she finds herself torn between her ambition and their welfare. In the middle of this is a scheming cousin who seeks to take the throne for himself. As with all deception based stories, this all blows up with Amber looking to be the bad guy on the surface, especially after the schemers find paperwork she had uncovered regarding a secret with the prince.

The film sticks closely to a very romanticized portrayal of royalty. The Prince is a pure heart who loves children (in one scene he misses a big event, leaving Amber and Emily to find him having a snowball fight with kids at the orphanage). Emily starts out as a pretentious brat, but is quick to warm to Amber and the two develop a rebellious friendship. And the Queen seems cold at first, but we soon learn she is much kinder than she lets on.

On the other side, Amber is the kind of reporter you expect in this type of story. She really wants the story, but she is also kind and sweet, and the idea of destroying lives for even the biggest story eats at her. The film tries to mine its emotional content from the trope of “Career or Doing What Is Right”. And yet, it feels pretty pedestrian connected to the fact that her real problem is tied to romantic feelings for the prince. Don’t get me wrong, I think the whole “If I Do This Am I Sacrificing My Soul” is a totally valid trope. But it seems like whenever we see women facing a dilemma of “doing the right thing, even if it means giving up what you want most”, it always is tied to romance.

That said? I was amused in the film. I like Rose McIver (from watching four seasons of iZombie) and Alice Krige does a solid job as the Queen…she is able to sell the turn from stern to kind quite well. The film does nothing new for it’s genre…but I did enjoy it as a cute bit holiday entertainment.

December 11, 2018 0

Roid Rage Part 2 (Conan the Destroyer, 1984)

Conan the Barbarian was a decent size hit, so a sequel was put into motion. Conan and his narrator Akiro the wizard. They are joined by comic relief and thief Malak. The Queen Taramis calls upon the trio to join her guard Bombaata in escorting the virginal Princess Jehnna to retrieve a mystical gem. Her goal is to harness the power of Dagoth, god of dreams.

Along their journey they add the fierce warrior Zula. Grace Jones is a striking figure in this role.

The story is slightly more detailed than the previous film, with Conan being a bit more talkative, though still mostly relying his physically imposing presence. Wilt Chamberlain’s Bombaata is effective as a counter to Conan.

There are some moments that become almost comical that I suspect were not meant to be. One example is a sequence where a monster swings Conan by his ankles…and it looks hilariously goofy.

That said, I kind of enjoy this film a bit more than the first film. I think it is a bit more fun and the plot device is more interesting. The first film is another revenge plot, here, Conan is more of a Mad Max type of lead.

As an aside, I love that instead of calling the film Conan 2 or Conan the Barbarian II, they went with Conan the Destroyer. I wish more films would do that with pulp and comic book origins. Marvel has kind of started doing this (after missing opportunities like Invincible Iron Man). But I think it helps give this film it’s own identity.

There has been talk about a third Schwarzeneggar film, called King Conan, paying off on the final images of the first film. But I am not to hopeful after the recent attempt at reviving the franchise in film was not so successful.

December 6, 2017 0

Manimal Part 2 (Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, 1991)

Dar is off living as a nomad with only his animal companions. The evil Arklon is trying to take over their world. He is promised the ultimate weapon by the sorceress Lyranna. She brings him to a portal to another world. Just as they are planning to go through, a car, followed by two cop cars burst through. The first car is occupied a young woman named Jackie. She meets up with Dar, and is, obviously confused.

Eventually, they cross over to our world. This is actually where the film picks up. Dar’s fish out of water situation is pretty funny. He notes that the term rock and roll seems accurate, as it reminds him of an earthquake.

Outside of this, it is not all that memorable. There are some attempts to create epic connections between Dar and Arklon, but they end up coming off as rather silly. And again, the acting is all over the place. Sarah Douglas is pretty obviously enjoying hamming it up.

The film lacks much in the way of monsters. There is one, but it turns out to have a connection to Dar (everybody seems connected to Dar).

This is the only film directed by producer Sylvio Tabet, and it is kind of obvious why. A lot of the film is pretty pedestrian,

November 24, 2017 0

The Pain Keeps the Hunger Away (Return of the Living Dead III, 1993)

The third sequel in the franchise departs from the previous two films. It is more horror and less comedic. It has some macabre humor, but it is primarily about the gore this time around.

The story centers around a young man, the girl he loves and military experiments on zombies. So, based on a true story. Curt and Julie are a passionate new couple. Curt is way into Julie, who is way into morbid stuff. Curt’s dad is a colonel who works with Colonel Peck (Played by Frazier’s Dad!) experimenting on zombies, trying to make them into fighting machines. Curt decides to impress Julie by taking her to see the zombies. As they flee the base, Julie is killed. You can likely see where this is going. After she is resurrected, she struggled to not give into the desire for brains, but constantly gives in, and creates more zombies.

This being a Yunza production (director of gruesome body horror films Society and Bride of Re-Animator) it is a gooey and gut filled affair. When it comes to the central zombie and her victims, rather than be rotted corpses they are just grossly distorted. Ripped out spines and the like. In Julie’s case, she fight the hunger by extreme body piercing. This results in her looking monstrous with claws and spikes.

The visuals are very good, with some really strong and scary makeup effects. The film has little connection to the previous two films. There is zero carryover, other than you have the military experimenting with zombies. The tone is far more serious. It is, really, Return of the Living Dead in name only. On it’s own, it works, but when set in as part of a franchise, it seems less effective.

October 7, 2016 0

Back to the Swamp (the Return of Swamp Thing, 1989)

One of the writers of the Return of Swamp Thing went on to write the screenplay for the beloved Disney comedy Hokus Pocus. On the other hand, it is directed by Jim Wynorski, He has a spotty record and his later career includes films with “breast” or “busty” in the title. And it is not a good sign when your hero monster appears and is asked who he is…he responds, “They call me…Swamp Thing”.

The film switches to Arcane’s mansion. Arcane is inexplicably alive and human again (okay, in fairness, half way through, they explain it). Arcane is played by the returning Louis Jourdan. He is trying to master Holland’s formula with the help of scientist Dr. Lana Zurell (played by Superman II’s Sarah Douglas). They are ending up with a series of mutations. Borrowing from the comics, these are the un-men. One is running loose in the swamp, called the Leechman.

Abby Arcane (played by Heather Locklear) arrives trying to make peace with her stepfather, unaware of his diabolical experiments. She roams the swamps and gets into trouble with some moonshiners and is saved by the Swamp Thing. Romance blossoms.

At one point, the film turns into the Little Rascals…if they spent their time looking at porn. The scene is there for comedic relief, and he film justifies their presence by having them go on a quest to get a picture of Swamp Thing. The film is far more comedy action film that never takes it’s source seriously. It rehashes Wes Craven’s film and is full of lines like “Let’s mash him into guacamole” and “Is there a Mrs. Swamp Thing?”

This time around, the Swamp Thing gets to really use the powers afforded him in the comics. He can regrow in new locations…and now he can drive a jeep. The Swamp Thing drives a jeep. The effects are a bit better this time around. Swamp Thing and the monsters look pretty good. The film lacks any sense of urgency, and the music that plays whenever Swamp Thing is being heroic is just amazingly out of place. There are scenes lifted from other films (there is a scene where two characters compare scars, just like in Jaws). Really, the film’s entire tone is off and the film is more camp than horror. Okay…a monster taking a hit from his asthma inhaler is kind of funny.

I will say, the opening credits (which play over a montage of Swamp Thing comic book cover art) look cool.

August 17, 2016 0

Superman II the Remix (Superman II, The Donner Cut, 2006)

Assemble almost 30 years later, the Donner cut restores the original footage Donner shot and also uses some of the Lester material to fill in the blanks. It was not assembled by Donner, but it had his blessing.

And in many, many ways, it improves the movie. Gone are the weird additional powers. Gone is the opening Eiffel Tower sequence. Instead we have Lois trying to prove Clark Kent is Superman by jumping out a window of the Daily Planet. Which is pretty absurd. In a way, it is reminiscent of the Bible story where Satan tries to Tempt Jesus by suggesting if he jumps off the temple, Angels will save him. And this is not Lois being a smart reporter, this is her doing something dumb.

The stuff that works, works very well and make this a pretty fun watch. But some of the additions are problematic. While the Super-Kiss to rob Lois of her memory is gone, Superman’s resolution is to fly the world backwards. As I noted in the Review of Superman the Movie, this bit was meant to be the ending of Superman II. As they had no ending shot by Donner, they re-use the sequence, and he reverses time to the point that the Kryptonian criminals are again trapped in the Phantom Zone once more. But this creates all sorts of problems. Superman is supposedly making it so the entire second film never happens. The criminals never get loose, Clark never reveals his identity to Lois, they never visit the cafe. Yet Clark goes back to the Cafe and beats up the trucker. Who must have no idea why a guy he has never seen before walked in and started insulting him. This is not Superman.

And reversing time does not mean the cycle won’t begin again, unless Superman avoids the situation that freed Zod, Ursa and Non in the first place. End why should we have cared about any of it if Superman completely undoes everything? So, even the Donner cut has problems. Superman still causes a lot of destruction in his fight with his Kryptonian foes. They still lose their powers and get kills by Superman and Lois. I am told the novelization claims they survived…apparently they landed on pillows or something…but the novelization is not the movie. It is pretty obvious they are dead.

So, why more entertaining and slightly less frustrating than Lester’s cut, the Donner Cut is plenty flawed on it’s own.

August 10, 2016 0

Bring on the Bad Guys (Superman 2, 1980)

Superman the Movie and Superman II were filmed back to back, but director Richard Lester came in when there was friction between the Salkinds and Donner. He threw out a lot of what Donner filmed and started over. Remember Zod and his Cronies? They are still floating through space in the Phantom Zone. When Superman thwarts a terrorist plot by launching a bomb into space, they are set free and make their way to earth.

Superman 2 is often held up as a standard of great sequels and a great super-hero film. Unfortunately, it is not. The film has Superman (and Zod, Ursa and Non) developing random powers and weapons. Their heat vision suddenly can be used as tractor beams, Superman’s logo can turn is a giant cellophane bag, they can shoot beams from their fingers.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some good points. The Villains are frightening at times. Terrance Stamp is menacing and arrogant, while Douglas plays Ursa with a disinterested flair. She is slightly amused by earthlings, but she could never care, she lacks all compassion.

There is a story in which Lois and Clark must pose as newlyweds. This leads to the reveal of Clark’s secret to Lois, which leads to them running off for romance. Superman and Lois hide away in the Fortress of Solitude, completely unaware of the arrival of the Kryptonian criminals. Superman realizes that to be with Lois, he must give up his power. He consults with his Mother Lara (well, a hologram of her and she shows him a machine that will bath him in the light of a red sun and make him human. You can see where this is going. When Lois and Clark start to make their way home, Clark tries to defend Lois at a cafe. A trucker beats the crap out of him. This moment is actually really well handled, Reeve really sells Clark’s startling realization that he is no longer the strongest man alive. But then Clark learns of Zod.

So, Superman’s human life is a short lived one. Even though the Fortress was damaged and he was told the process was irreversible… Clark gets his powers back off screen. This leads to a dramatic fight in the city. You know, for all the criticism Man of Steel gets for it’s destruction, Superman II has Superman carelessly throwing the criminals through building, the character beating each other into the ground and so on. There is little concern for the city.

One of the other good points is the duplicitous nature of Lex Luthor. Towards the beginning he breaks out of prison and then runs off to the Fortress of Solitude. He starts listening to the information from Lara…considering Lara can hold conversations with Superman, I am not sure why she cannot react to Lex. Luthor helps the Kryptonians attempt to take over the world (they promise to give him Australia). But when things look tough, he is quick to side with Superman (for Survival).

One of the big problems is the film has a Superkiss that robs Lois of her memories of who Superman is…and he also goes back to the cafe to humiliate the trucker. This is not Superman. And his character is tarnished for a joke. Superman II does not hold up, and is actually a weaker film than it’s predecessor. And more recent Super-hero films are vastly superior.

August 9, 2016 0

Young Superman(Superman the Movie, 1978)

Richard Donner’s Superman is often presented as a more upbeat and hopeful film than more recent Superhero efforts. And, in a lot of ways, it is a brighter view overall. Donner opens the film with life on Krypton. His version of Krypton has influenced countless versions of Superman. It became a ruling vision. And I get it…it is a society and world at it’s end. But the severely antiseptic frozen tundra look is actually unpleasant and does not really speak of an advanced society. Jor-El is introduced presiding over the trial of General Zod and his army. Well, him, Ursa and Non. Not really an army. What stands out was that in the middle of this trial, Zod tries to convince Jor-El to join him. And then they are zapped by a giant reflective record sleeve. Then, they never appear in the rest of the film.

Jor-El declare the planet is soon to die and is mocked by his fellow scientists who make him commit to staying on the planet. We all know the story, found by the Kents, young Kal El is raised as a typical Kansas kid. These moments are great. They show the thought the Kents have tried to install in their son. Clark’s struggle to not use his powers for only his gain is evident. Clark wants to be the football star and get dates with cheerleaders. But he also knows it would be a cheat to use his powers to succeed in that fashion. And when Pa Kent dies? Glenn Ford is barely on screen for any meaningful amount of time…and yet it is a real gut punch.

The Fortress of Solitude used to be a giant cave with a giant door. Now it is a spiky crystal building with no doors. Here he learns from holograms of his father. When he enters the world, he is ready to be Superman. One of the things Donner did right is that he fills the film with Superman…an it is Superman saving people over and over again. Sure, he stops crime as well, but saving people is his main gig.

Lois Lane is shown as a tough reporter (who cannot spell) who has little notice of new Reporter Clark Kent, but then swoons when Superman appears on the screen. This is not a negative, for one thing, she still follows her instincts when Superman shows up for an interview, clearly smitten with her. Kidder and Reeve have terrific chemistry in the film and Lois is fun and daring.

We are introduced to Lex Luthor via his bumbling lackey Otis. Ned Beatty is entertaining, though a bit over the top in his mindlessness. Hackman’s Luthor is a change from the comics of the time. He is still brilliant, but instead of super armor, he is simply a criminal mastermind. It is a bit over the top, but Hackman makes it work. The third spoke in the wheel is Valerie Perrine’s Miss Tessmacher. I am unsure exactly what her purpose is. I mean, Perrine is undeniably sexy in the role and appears in a variety of revealing outfits. But she seems distant for a girlfriend, and yet a lot of what she does is lounge around. She does play the role of “distraction”in part of Luthor’s plan. Oh, and that plan…

Luthor is planning to make a land grab…this becomes a running thing for him in the movies. He plans to blow California off the map and sell land. I do not see how this really would be an effective plan. Seriously, the guy who stole two missiles from the army and used them to blow up a sizeable chunk of land is going to be able to own and sell land?

Superman is a pretty fun movie with a really impressive cast. The weakest moment is the weird “Superman spins the earth to Fix Things. This was actually meant for the sequel, which Donner was already filming alongside this film. But the studio wanted him to use it to give this a big bang of an ending.

But all in all, Superman the Movie is a fun film for kids of all ages.

August 8, 2016 1