Gonna’ Get Me A Dragon (Eragon, 2006)

in 2001 we got the two biggest film franchises of the new century. Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter proved the appetite was there for fantasy films. And so everyone was trying to get the next major franchise, snapping up young adult fantasy novels. One of those was Christopher Paolini’s Eragon.

Eragon is a young farm boy in a land that used to be protected by the Dragon Riders. The dragons were wiped out, but there is a prophesy of an egg yet to hatch. Eragon discovers the egg and upon hatching the baby dragon hatches. He and his dragon Saphira find themselves hunted by the evil King Galbatorix, who desires Saphira for himself. Or he wants to destroy her. Whatever is necessary to keep his power. With the evil Wizard Durza, he has kept the princess Arya prisoner.

Eragon is trained by the secretive Brom as they prepare to take on Galbatorix and his minions.

While the books were modestly popular, this did not translate into success for the film. And frankly, it is not much different from Dragonheart ten years earlier. The film fails at offering all it’s twists. Brom’s secret is pretty obvious, so it is not a surprise when it is revealed.

The film also takes poor shortcuts. The Dragon seems to grow to adulthood in a matter of days. The effects are decent enough, but the film makes the choice of allowing us to hear the psychic connection between Eragon and Saphira…and it just does not work as effectively as simply having the dragon speak as they did with Dragonheart.

Eragon just never feels like anything beyond a want to be fantasy epic. And it really feels like a direct to video knockoff, in spite of a cast that includes Rachel Weisz, John Malkovich and Jeremy Irons.

November 11, 2017 0

We Need a Ragnarok Right Away (Thor the Conqueror, 1983)

The prophesied ruler of the land has weaker language skills than the Hulk and has no idea what a woman is.

Thor’s parents are killed when he is an infant and he is raised by an old man likes to narrate day to day. In spite of his talkative nature. He fights his fathers rival, gets the girl and…well…

This is a Conan knockoff that never quite rises to the level of “Epic”. It has awful dialog, for starters. The old man, clearly not an old man at all, does not converse as much as he goes on grand story exposition. And in spite of being raised by the talkative old man, Thor can barely string sentences together.

The effects, as such as they are, are pretty abysmal. In one scene, Thor is having a fever dream and is tormented by demons that look like bad paper mache masks. This is an ideal film for, say Mystery Science Theater 3000, but not so much for watching on it’s own.

November 10, 2017 0

Friendship is Magic (Conquest, 1983)

Young Ilias is given a magic bow and sent on a quest. After saving a girl named “Girl Ilias Saves From Snake” from being bitten by a snake, he runs into Mace, a guy who has no friends. How do I know this? Because Ilias asks Mace his name and Mace tells him that his enemies call him Mace. Ilias asks what his friends call him and he answers back that he has no friends. He is a tortured soul, the man called Mace.

Mace tells Ilias they can totally hang out if he shows him how to use Ilias’ magic bow. They discover a tribe of meek people, the people of Girl Ilias Saves From Snake. The people are enslaved by the evil Ocron. Ocron is noticeably evil due to her big metal mask, incredibly affectionate snake and her penchant for being topless. Okay, I don’t know that the last one is really tied to her being evil, but you sure don’t miss it either. She also has a bunch of Sasquatch like creatures who eat people. That kind of sucks.

Mace and Ilias decide they must destroy Ocron, but she has anticipated this due to dreams of a man with Ilias’ bow killing her. She calls on Zora, the spirit that resides in a white wolf, but looks suspiciously lizard-like to help her vanquish Ilias.

Conquest is from director Lucio Fulci, an Italian director mainly known for his horror works. The film is not particularly well acted (both in the dubbed voices or original performances). The story is also so simplistic as to sometimes seems like there is no actual plot. Waitaminute…

And yet, something about it kept me watching. Mace is kind of hilarious in his “I have no friends but the animals” ways. The completely arbitrary magic bow that can shoot laser arrows. The bad costume for Zora. The film hits that point of hilariousness.

November 9, 2017 0

Culture Wrath (Wrath of the Titans, 2012)

Wrath of the Titans tries to rectify the one thing missing from Clash of the Titans. Titans. In the original Clash, the Kraken was a Titan, but in the 2010 film, this was a bit clear. Wrath opens with the story of how Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades defeated their father Kronos and imprisoned him in the underworld. It also reminds us that Zeus and Poseidon had conned Hades by binding him to the Underworld.

Perseus and Io were living the quiet life in a fishermans’ village. Io bore them a son, Helius and then died before the movie started. Gemma Arterton was unable to return to the film and so she was killed off. This would seem at least understandable until you find that they recast Andromeda with the blonde Rosamund Pike. But anyways, Helius desires to be a warrior, a life which Perseus is aggressively trying to keep him from.

Zeus reveals that he visits Helius in the boy’s dreams, but wishes Perseus would be more open to accepting their status as demigods. Meanwhile, Hades and Ares are conspiring against the other gods, tempted by Kronos. They get the jump on Poseidon and Zeus, stealing Zeus’ lightning bolt. Poseidon is mortally wounded, but escapes and passes his trident to Perseus. He tells Perseus to find his son, the demigod Agenor. He finds Andromeda, who is now a warrior Queen leading her army. They are aware things are afoot, as monsters have started to burst forth from the ground. They also have Agenor (who is basically the Greek god equivalent of Russell Brand) as a prisoner.

The three take some warriors with them to go on a mission to rescue Zeus and stop Hades from freeing Kronos. To do this, they travel to find Hephaestus for a way into the underworld. After a fight with Hades, Perseus, Andromeda, and Agenor escape into the ever-shifting labyrinth that will lead to the Underworld.

This film muddles it’s the previous stand against the gods, with Perseus having appeared to soften his feelings towards them. The film is full of nods to Greek myths, such as the Minotaur in the Labyrinth, chimera and so on. It also has easter eggs like the mechanical owl Bubo in a cameo (which occurred in the 2010 film as well) who is quickly laughed off. But everything feels so randomly chosen and leaves out some great character concepts from the original myths. And if the gods were largely missing in the original film, this one makes it all the worse by having the majority of the gods killed off-screen.

In fact, the film seems dedicated to destroying any further franchise potential by basically erasing the gods from existence. I would say this film is not a worthy successor to the 2010 Clash of the Titans, but then, that film was not impressive either.

The truth is, I wanted both of these films to be great, but they are so largely cynical of their source material, they lack the joy a good fantasy film can contain. They are all about the big effects, leaving little room for actual character. Sure, they try for heft in the notion of Hades and Zeus mending their relationship. And then there is Perseus finding love with Andromeda. Yet, these plotlines feel forced and a bit hollow.

November 8, 2017 0

And Starring Jeff Goldblum as Jeff Goldblum (Thor: Ragnarok, 2017)

Thor has been a fun character in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. He is cheerful, boisterous and powerful. He is also boastful and over confident. This drove his first film, while the second film seemed a bit aimless.

In Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor had a vision of the end of Asgard. He left to get answers and was missing for Civil War. After Thor and Loki locate Odin, they are warned of the coming of Hela…their sister and the goddess of death Almost immediately Hela arrives and destroys Thor’s hammer. In their fight, Thor and Loki are separated and tossed into space. While Hela conquers Asgard, Thor finds himself on the planet Sakaar. Captured by the Grandmaster Thor must fight in the Contest of Champions..and the champion he must defeat? His pal Hulk.

Marvel has done pretty well in tapping directors with limited experience in big budget films and having it work out in their favor. Here they brought on New Zealander Taika Waititi, who is known for his unique comedies. Check out the films Hunt for the Wilderpeople and What We Do in Shadows and while laughing, you will likely not think “a Super Hero movie is next!”. But it pays off.

Thor is full of great action and humor. Unlike the previous two films, which were very earth centric, Earth has a brief cameo in the beginning. Otherwise the film is heavily focused on Asgard. To be frank, the previous films really failed to let Jane Foster shine and the relationship never had the strength of either Tony and Pepper or Steve and Peggy. So, the film quickly addresses that “they broke up”.

The film works to give most of the leads “something to come back from”. Thor must figure out who he is without his hammer, Hulk must get back to Banner, Valkyrie must reclaim her glorious standing as an Asgardian Warrior. There is not a lot to these arcs, of course, but the performances and interplay of the characters make it almost easy to miss.

The cast really makes the film. Hemsworth and Hiddleston have a solid chemistry together, where you buy right into their weird sibling relationship in which Loki will betray Thor over and over and Thor is still going to give him a chance. Tessa Thompson gives a real spark to Valkyrie, who could have been a pretty one note character. Cate Blanchett’s Hela is actually not any deeper than previous Marvel Cinematic villains, but Blanchett seems to have had a lot of fun in the role and the result is that I enjoyed her as a villain. It was great to see Mark Ruffalo back as Bruce Banner. The character is a bit shell shocked, which makes sense, as he has been “hulked out” for about two years, ever since the rampage in Age of Ultron.

And of course, there is Jeff Goldblum. The actor you hire when you want a Jeff Goldblum-esque performance. But seriously, Goldblum always delivers, and his Grandmaster is the Jeff Goldblumiest thing you will see all year. Unless Jeff Goldblum is Jeff Goldblum in another film before December 31st, 2017.

Thor: Ragnarok is a real blast of a film. It is light hearted, exciting and quite funny.

November 7, 2017 0

Modern Culture Clash (Clash of the Titans, 2010)

The new millennium brought a renewed interest in Greek mythology based films. This, of course, meant that a remake of Clash of the Titans was probably inevitable.

The modern take is…well, different. Here, Zeus is angered by King Acrisius and to punish him, he seduces and impregnates the king’s wife Danae. Angry, he seals her in a box with infant Perseus. The box is found by fisherman Spyros, who raises Perseus with his wife (Unlike the original film, Danae dies). Zeus is, of course, angered by this move and turns Acrisius into a monster.

Years later, Perseus is out fishing with his adoptive family. They witness soldiers tearing down a statue of Zeus. The soldiers are attacked by demons who also destroy Spyros’ fishing boat, resulting in the death of all but Perseus. He is found by soldiers who bring him to Argos. There he witnesses King Kephesus and Queen Cassiopeia. Cassiopeia mocks the gods and declares her daughter Andromeda more beautiful than any of the goddesses. Zeus and the other gods are watching and angered, but Zeus’ hand is staid by his love for man and the need for their prayers. But Hades demands that they must make men fear the gods again. He convinces Zeus to allow him to interfere.

Hades greets the King and Queen and demands Andromeda be sacrificed or Argos be destroyed. Perseus is convinced to go on a mission to find a way to defeat the titan called the Kraken. Along with several soldiers, Perseus begins his quest.

You may have noticed there are a lot of changes here. The film is less a remake and more a re-imagining. There is no love story between Perseus and Andromeda. His goal is to make a stand against the gods. Perseus is in denial of his demi-god status, constantly rejecting any help from Zeus in favor of doing everything “as a man”.

The gods themselves are worried about man’s rebellion against the gods and their power is waning as fewer people are praying to them. The only real example of the pettiness and competition between the gods is how Hades was betrayed by Zeus and Poseidon, which drives Hades’ desire to destroy his fellow gods. Noticeably missing?

The female gods. I mean, they are in the background. You see them, but they are pretty inconsequential. Unlike the original, Calibos is no longer the son of Thetis, and he is merely a pawn of Hades. It is disappointing that they push all other gods to the side beyond Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades. Making it about sibling rivalry is ignoring the rich history of the Greek gods. I suspect the fact that the original film was written by Beverly Cross, a woman, influenced the 1981 films inclusion of women in more equal standing.

In addition, the original cast women over forty in almost all the major goddess roles. In this update, most of the female roles prize youth and beauty above all.

Worthington is not nearly as engaging as some of his co-stars, which is a problem.

On the upside, the relationship of Spyro and Perseus is brief but nice. When his wife is pregnant, young Perseus is worried he will be loved less. Spyro offers comforting words noting Perseus is no less his son than if they were flesh and blood.

And while Judy Bowker’s Andromeda was a luminous beauty, she was not given a lot of time (though we see her decrying the rules of her curse which resulted in countless deaths). Here Andromeda is seen as a greatly compassionate woman. We see her going about the city in disguise to help the poor. She also refuses to accept the notion that others should die so that she might live.

The creature design is largely quite good (though the demons move so fast so as not to allow much detail to be seen). But even there, you have flawed concepts at work. Medusa should not be alluring, and yet, there she is in this film looking beautiful until the moment she turns you to stone.

The re-imagining ends up like a hodgepodge of mythical concepts that are thrown together, almost unrecognizable to their inspiration. In place of a romance with Andromeda, Perseus instead falls for the beautiful immortal Io. And at times, I found myself getting bored. This is in spite of the fact that everything tries to be much bigger than the original film. The scorpions are bigger, the Medusa fight is in a bigger temple, the Kraken is larger.

While Clash of the Titans is louder and slicker, it just feels like a pale imitation of its inspiration.

November 7, 2017 0

Culture Clash (Clash of the Titans, 1981)

Greek myths are some of the original action stories. Filled with god, heroes, and monsters, they still capture the imagination thousands of years after their originators have passed.

In 1981 we got one of the most memorable of the “recent” forays into Greek storytelling.

The king of Argos has locked away his daughter in fear of a prophecy that if she bore a son, that son would kill him. But Zeus falls in love with the lovely Danae and impregnates her. He has Danae and her son Perseus entombed and thrown into the sea. But Zeus is angered and has Poseidon release the remaining Titan the Kraken upon Argos, destroying it. Instead of dying, Danae and Perseus wash ashore.

Zeus watches over Perseus, causing strife with his wife Hera and Thetic, a sea goddess. This comes to a head when Zeus becomes angry with her son Calibos. He is a handsome young man destined to marry the beautiful Princess Andromeda, daughter of Queen Cassiopeia. Zeus is angered by Calibos’ cruelty and disrespect, citing his having hunted and killed all but one of the winged horses Zeus had created. He turns Calibos into a misshapen cloven-hoofed monster, left to rule in a swamp. Thetis curses Andromeda, requiring that each man who comes to pursue her must answer a riddle. If they fail, they are put to death.

Hero help Thetis set in motion a revenge plan, in which Calibos might end the life of Perseus. But Zeus provides him with special weapons that allow him to best Calibos and find the answer to the riddle. Perseus and Andromeda are to be wed, but when Cassiopeia oversteps and proclaims Andromeda more beautiful than Thetis herself, Thetis demands that Andromeda is to be given as a virgin sacrifice to the Kraken. Zeus reluctantly agrees, but Perseus is determined to save her and seeks to find something that will allow him to stop the sacrifice.

The final film to feature the stop-motion grandeur of Ray Harryhausen, Clash of the Titans is an exciting adventure. While there is no reality to them in comparison to modern model and cgi work, they have a unique and enjoyable charm to watch. There is a physicality to the visuals.

Medusa is the true highlight of the monsters in the film, her scary visage and every movement to inspire fear.

While the characterization of Zeus is a bit kinder than the actual myths, the overall pettiness of the gods is still at play. The actors also bring a regalness, from Laurence Olivier to Maggie Smith.Harry Hamlin has a chiseled from clay look (and super pouty lips) and Judi Bowker is luminous as Andromeda.

Clash of the Titans was not the last of these types of films (There were two Lou Ferrigno Hercules films), but it feels like it closes an era. But Clash of the Titans is a minor classic of fantasy films.

November 6, 2017 0

Yo Ho Ho! Let’s Try This Again (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, 2017)

Dead Men Tell No Tales comes six years on the heels of On Stranger Tides, and returns to the territory of the first three films. We meet a young boy named Henry. He takes a boat out to sea, ties a rock to his ankle and leaps into the sea. He is saved by the flying Dutchman. This is Henry, the son of Will and Elizabeth Turner. He tells his father he thinks he knows a way to undo the curse his father is under. However, Will sends Henry back. Several years later, Henry is on the hunt for Jack Sparrow to help him find the Trident of Poseidon.

In his travels, he meets the Ghost Captain Salazar who wants him to give Jack Sparrow a message for him. Salazar was cursed while trying to kill Sparrow and is now trapped as a ghost.

Henry does find Sparrow, and an accused witch who is also seeking the Trident. She is not a witch, but rather a very scientifically inclined young woman named Carina. It becomes a race against time as they search for the Trident, pursued by Salazar and the British.

As previously noted this film came out six years after On Stranger Tides and this film completely ignores the events of that fourth film. This is not to say they did not happen, but rather they bear no impact and feature none of the characters specific to that film. And they return things to the Turner family.

It feels like they anticipated this being a final film as it brings everything to a feeling of finality (in spite of a post credit scene that makes little sense in regards to the way the film ends). The film is packed with numerous action and escape sequences. There is a thrilling sequence involving ghost sharks. And the introduction of Jack Sparrow in this film is memorable and entertaining.

It takes awhile to get going, though the film is thankfully only about two hours, making it a lot more fun and less bloated than some of the previous installments. As always, the visuals are top notch. Salazar and his crew are crack and missing limbs and parts of their heads. There is a neat look where Salazar’s hair flows like he is underwater.

And the cast is quite good. The returning cast each get moments to shine and Javier Bardem appears to have had a lot of fun in his role as the angry and determined Salazar.

While not quite at the heights of the original film, this is still a fairly fun outing.

November 5, 2017 0

Yo Ho Ho! Let’s Restart! (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, 2011)

After a somewhat lackluster reaction to At World’s End (don’t get me wrong, it made money) the franchise went quiet. And it may be that it could have been just left at being a trilogy.

But Disney wanted to keep it going, and four years gave us On Stranger Tides. This time, they leave aside Will and Elizabeth Turner. Will is apparently off being the new Captain of the Flying Dutchman, content to visiting Elizabeth and their baby once every ten years.

Instead, our focus is now squarely on Jack Sparrow. This time around he discovers that someone is pretending to be him to gather a crew for a new quest.

He discovers it is Angelica, whom he took the virginity of on the night before she took her vows to be a nun. Angelica is also the daughter of the infamous Blackbeard. Their quest is for the Fountain of Youth. Blackbeard and Angelica are not alone in their desire to find the Fountain. King George and the Spaniards are both looking to find it for their own reasons. Everyone is seeking Jack because they believe Sparrow knows where to find it.

In the midst of this race, there are a lot of random crew, along with the regulars, such as Barbossa and Gibbs. We are introduced to Philip, a compassionate young missionary who is under the protection of Angelica. She still holds strong to the idea that God must be respected and is hoping to save her father’s soul.

As they get closer, they must capture a mermaid. The mermaid Syrena is kept in a glass coffin as they make their way to the Fountain. While most of the characters are indifferent to her pain and suffering, Philip is both drawn to her and overwhelmed with compassion. This sets up a nice moment where a mermaid’s tear is needed and Blackbeard finds they cannot extract it through torture. He notes Mermaids are “too cold for that”.

On Stranger Tides was intended to kick off a new trilogy, though it feels like a one-off story. It is pretty clear that this film was based on an outside source (a novel by Tim Powers), fitted into the existing film mythos.

That is not to say that it is totally close-ended. Much like the Curse of the Black Pearl, it simply ends at a point where you do not have a lot of dangling plot points. Well, except for the storyline of Philip and Syrena.

The overall story is pretty weak, the fountain of Youth is not really that interesting of a MacGuffin, and it is a bit unclear of how it works. The film makes mention that you get all a person’s years if you and that person drink from the fountain. Plus, the Spanish explorers have somewhat nebulous goals. I mean, apparently, they are trying to stop anyone from gaining access to its power. But who are they? So, while much of the film feels like a one-shot, there are random mysteries left hanging.

Overall the cast is strong. Ian McShane’s Blackbeard is primarily dependant on his performance. Which is a good one, but the character is pretty undefined. Does he have a mystical power? Unsure really. He collects other pirates ships and keeps them in bottles. Not sure how or why. And what exactly makes him more fearsome than other pirates.

Cruz holds her own with Depp in their playful and innuendo-laden banter.

The visuals are great, and that is pretty much par for the course in the film. There are plenty of great action sequences holding the film together. But ultimately, On Stranger Tides feels like a placeholder as Disney tries to determine what to do with a franchise, rather than a kickoff to an epic new trilogy.

November 4, 2017 0

Yo Ho Ho, It is OVER! (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, 2007)

Holy. Crap. THIS. MOVIE. IS. SO. LONG.

Like, super long. It is ten minutes shy of three hours.

Anyhoo, picking up where the last film left off, the Kraken ate Jack Sparrow and now Elizabeth Swann, Will Turner and Barbossa are trying to rally the troops to find and return Jack from Davey Jone’s locker so they can stop Davey Jones.

And this ends up taking over an hour. We see Sparrow in the afterlife and boy is he bored. And frankly? So was I. This sequence is just excruciatingly long. There are so many subplots, it just gets tiring and uninspired. I found myself constantly wondering about how much longer we had to go.

The films seem to want to position Jack as some magical key to the universe, rather than some lucky idiot. But really, the whole lunatic rockstar thing is wearing thin at this point. If you cut about an hour of the film or a little more, this might be a lean and fun adventure. Instead it makes the the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King look sleek.

Filmed back to back with Dead Man’s Chest, At World’s End tries be a massive epic, but it really only accomplishes feeling ridiculously bloated.

The visuals are quite good, as are the action scenes. But the road the story takes is so meandering as it is hard to not get bored through great portions of this film.

November 3, 2017 0