Modern Vampires (Lost Boys: The Thirst, 2010)

In spite of the critical failure of the Tribe*, somebody wanted to try and keep the franchise undead. And I can say…this is a better film than the Tribe. This came out a few months after the death of Corey Haim. The Tribe had a credit scene showing Sam as having become a vampire and in an alternate ending, there is a brief shot of Vampire Alan on his way. This film leaves Sam out entirely, instead bringing back Jamison Newlander as Alan Frog. The film makes Edgar Frog (Feldman) the center of the film, though the Frog Brothers are reunited, out to finish off a new crew of vampires.

The Thirst pretty much ignores the Tribe, other than Edgar is living in a shack and his brother is a half vampire.

This time around, we see how Alan was made into a half vampire, leading to a split between the Frog Brothers. Edgar is down on his luck, facing eviction from his camper and trying to raise money by selling his comic book collection. He takes a job from Gwen, a Stephanie Meyer type, to help her find her brother, who she believes has been captured by vampires. Edgar despises her work for romanticizing vampires, but is convinced that the vampires in question include the first vampire. Edgar tries to recruit Alan to help, but Alan refuses, feeling chances are that killing the head vampire will not do anything.

Edgar is forced to work with reality star Lars who was hired as a fallback for Gwen. They go to the location of the Vampire rave (shades of Blade there) where they take on the vampires. I mean, that is kind of expected, right? There are a couple twists before they reach the end, of course.

As I said…this is better than the previous sequel. This is not saying much, as it is no where near as enjoyable as the original. They try and be somewhat original in this story. Of course, having vampire movies that mock the Twilight franchise is hardly new. Same with reality show characters. The film’s call back moments to the original film kind of work. During an early conversation Alan asks why Edgar did not go to Sam and Edgar states the Sam Turned and he had to stake him. Alan asks about Michael & Star (who are apparently still a couple) and Laddie (the kid vampire in the original). But it also has jokes like: “It turns Holy Water into Holy Slaughter.”

It has it’s moments, and sets up the planned fourth sequel which was going to have the Frog Brothers take on werewolves. It even hints that one of the characters is a werewolf. There was even talk of a Frog Brother TV show. However, Warner Brothers shut down the Warner Premiere label. This killed the the film and TV show for the foreseeable future.

Part of the problem here is that Edgar is a pretty skilled vampire hunter at this point. He and Alan are competent. Part of the charm of the Frog Brothers in the first film was that, for all their talk, they were largely bumbling and ineffective…when they did succeed? It was usually by stupidity or some other intervention. And having them be the skilled folks who are the only ones who know the real danger is just…well, not as much fun.

The film is flashier than the original, but has less of an identity. The fast shots make it look like lots of vampire movies we have seen. The Lost Boys had a style all it’s own. The Thirst does not.

*The film received a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes critic assessment is still at zero to this day. The audience score is 25%…in spite of this, it was one of the top selling videos that year.

October 24, 2016 0

Blood Surf (Lost Boys: Tribe, 2008)

This sequel, directed by P.J. Pesce, came 21 years…um…to late.

Normally, I try and say something about the film that sees possible potential. I mean, Nightmare On Elm Street 2 is not all that great, but at least they tried to tell a totally new story. But this is all I got. Keifer Sutherland’s half brother (he plays the lead vampire) has none of Sutherland’s charm as a vampire. The soundtrack is mostly terrible. And…

(drawn by me)

October 23, 2016 0

Daddy Issues (The Lost Boys, 1987)

Punk rock vampires. This is the film that launched the Coreys (though, both Haim and Feldman were established independently) and helped cement Keifer Sutherland into public consciousness (both he and Feldman were in Stand by Me a year before).

Opening with a quick introduction to Keifer and his buddies, there is a hint of ominous as they harass people having fun at a beach side amusement park. Kicked out by a security guard who finds himself under attack upon the park closing down. We are then introduced to Sam and Michael, whose mother is moving them all to Santa Carla California to start a new life with their Grandpa. Grandpa is revealed to be very quirky. Sam laments there being no TV, but then his Grandpa starts laying down the rules mentions the TV Guide. Sam asks if there is a TV, only to be told, “I just like the TV Guide. You read the TV Guide…you don’t need a TV.”

The family explores the boardwalk amusement area, Sam discovers the Frog Brothers and their parents comic book store. They start to push a vampire comic on him, which Sam initially rejects. Meanwhile, big brother Michael has become infatuated with a beautiful free spirit named Star. All while their mother gets a job at a local video store.

Star turns out to be associated with the punks from earlier…and Michael finds himself drawn into the world of David and his vampire friends. As Michael starts to change, Sam works to save him (with the help of the Frog Brothers). Sam and the Brothers embarrass themselves when they go to prove their mother’s new boyfriend is a vampire (he passes all the tests).

The film ends with a battle royal of Michael and Sam standing against David and his boys leading to a couple of nice twists. The film is visually lush and colorful. There is terrific uses of reds, especially that add a real punch.

The vampire lore sticks pretty close to the typical movie vampire mythology. They fly, drink blood, can mesmerize people, hate garlic and so on. This is not where the film excels though. They bring nothing original to the myths, but they do bring a fun flair. The film is full of humor (Plenty of it from Barnard Hughes as Grandpa). David (Sutherland) is menacing and yet also little more than a petulant trickster child. Feldman and Jamison Newlander are great fun as the Frog Brothers, self styled vampire hunters. Sutherland’s brood truly love and embrace being vampires which helps make this film’s approach really work.

This is not one of the great horror classics, but it is a terrifically fun vampire movie with a killer soundtrack to boot.

October 22, 2016 1

Boys and Ghouls Goes to the Movies Part 2 (Tales From the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood, 1996)

Demon Knight was received well enough to not deter the Tales From the Crypt Crew to keep on with their plan of a franchise with Bordello of Blood a year later. The film had an all new story, though they included a tie to the last in that the magical macguffin is the “key” from the previous film. But this time it is the only thing that can keep Lilith (Angie Everhart) the Queen and Mother of All Vampires in check.

Bordello of Blood feels like a regular episode simply stretched to long and thin. The little brother (Corey Feldman) of young Katherine Verdoux (Erika Eleniak) has disappeared. She ends up enlisting skeevy P.I. Rafe Guttman (Dennis Miller in his first and really last leading role) to find her brother. We viewers know he went to a new bordello (hint, it is the titular Bordello of Blood). There we discovered that Lilith has apparently made a ton of attractive women into vampires who kill their customers.

Then there is a subplot involving Katherine’s employer. She works for a megachurch televangelist named Reverend Current (he has an “electric” theme) played by Chris Sarandon. He apparently employed man of adventure Vincent Prather (Phil Fondacaro in a role that is not all about his height, which is a nice surprise) to get Lilith for him. So, the Preacher is controlling Lilith to be used in his battle against…Satan or…Something?

The film is more in line with the the TV series. It has lots of slapstick type of jokes, gratuitous gore, and it has HBO’s trademarked “Tons O’ Nudity”.

According to one of the producers, Miller flat out stated he would not say any of the written dialog, instead making up his own, usually the day of. If this is accurate at all, it only ended up hurting the film. The jokes from everyone tend to fall flat. The plot makes little sense (What exactly does Reverend Current hope to accomplish with a vampire?!) and even by “Dumb Horror Film” standards, it is not entertaining even in a terrible way.

The characters are not particularly likable. They are sleazy jerks, or in the case of Katherine, uptight and overly prudish. Miller has his trademark snark in full display, but it works against him, because his character (technically our hero) is a real douche.

All the roles for women are based on being sexually desirable, which is frustrating, especially when you consider that in Demon Knight, character was more important and the roles for women were more substantial.

It is no surprise that the film franchise took a hit, and enough that the third movie was released with all hints of the franchise cut out.

March 1, 2016 0

Lets Go Camping Part 4 (Friday the 13th: the Final Chapter, 1984)

Part four has my all time favorite sequel subtitle. The Final Chapter. You know how many Friday the 13th movies there are? Ten. Eleven if you count the Freddy/Jason movie. And number four is the final chapter. So everything after that is apparently an addendum. Sure, other movies have had a “final” movie that was not so final. Freddy’s Dead: the Final Nightmare. The Omen 3: the Final Conflict. Children of the Corn 2: the Final Sacrifice. But I believe the Friday the 13th Series has the distinction of doing this twice. And most of those films only got one or two sequels after the “Final” sequel (the exception is Children of the Corn 2. If you think I will sit through those you are sadly mistaken. I know my limits). So I love the title.

Plus, this movie has all the things people love to see in movies. A precocious kid (Corey Feldman!), hot twins and a dog. Oh, and Crispin Glover.

Our story picks up directly after Part 3. Jason still appears to be dead. Apparently, when the two squad cars left the body of Jason unattended, they called in SWAT, the army, the Guardian Angels and paramedics. So they bring Jason to the morgue. Apparently they don’t question the appearance of death on Crystal Lake. He’s not hacking at you with a machete. Must be dead. So of course he gets up and kills the morgue attendant and his girlfriend nurse. Apparently they assume he is dead without checking as well.

We then jump to the next morning. In spite of the death toll in Crystal Lake, it appears people still feel safe living there (this marks the second film to diverge from the camp counselor theme). A single mom, her teen daughter and pre-teen son (Corey Feldman!) all live by the lake. The son is a special effects genius, which is totally not that hard to buy. After all, it’s totally plausible that a ten year old kid is making elaborate latex masks and high tech special effects, right? What else is there to do when you live next to a lake? They meet a group of kids who are staying at the house next door. Mostly more realistic teens who talk about nothing but sex and have skinny dipping parties in front of the kid (Corey Feldman!). See, the kid (Corey Feldman!) is kind of a perv. We get the point when he is in bed and looks out the window to see one of the hot girls next door remove her shirt. He does not just watch. He starts slamming his face into a pillow and laughing excitedly. And jumping on the bed. He’s a little horndog, that kid (Corey Feldman!).

Then the kid’s (Corey Feldman!) older sister meets a bounty hunter, well, we don’t know that yet. But eventually we find out he is there to kill Jason. If you have seen the first three movies, you know where that is going. He is kind of the teenage girl’s romantic interest. He appears to be about thirty one. Nothing creepy about that. As soon as it gets dark, Jason gets his kill on. The director tries new things in horror. Well, one new thing. Instead o a nubile beauty being killed in the shower, it’s a pretty boy. A young Johnny Depp type (Before we knew what a Johnny Depp Type was). Of course, the girl he showered with still dies.

It’s all pretty routine. Although there are the attempts at humor. Crispin Glover yells out for a corkscrew to open a bottle of whine and Jason plunges it through his hand. Bwahahahahaha! The bounty hunter guy gets killed in the basement. Then we are down to the Sole Survivor and her kid brother (Corey Feldman!). She is alone in the house running into dead bodies. She opens one door and there is a body laying on the porch. Apparently that dead body is booby trapped, because the Sole Survivor does not dare walk around it, she instead slams the door and runs around the house looking for a way out-eventually using a window. She runs back home and shuts the door. That will show Jason. They are safe now in the house with lots of big…windows…aw crap. Jason jumps in and chases the youngins’ up the stairs. Remember, Jason ain’t dead yet, he can still run.

The Sole Survivor keeps telling her kid brother (Corey…oh you get the point) to get out of the house. Other than that she screams a lot. It’s really weird, because it isn’t natural sounding at all. She looks left, and screams. Looks right and screams. Looks at Jason and screams. Looks at her agent and screams. Then she turns and run down the hall and leaps through a window. That’ll teach Jason. The kid is hiding in the bathroom shaving his head. That’s what kids did in those days. Jason went down stairs to check on the Sole Survivor who is, indeed, alive. But not for long, Jason starts pushing her around and is ready to kill her when the kid starts yelling for Jason. He turns around to see the kid, now really bald, looking at him on the stairs. This confuses Jason. In part two it was established that Jason can’t tell his dead mother apart from a blonde college girl if she wears mom’s sweater. Apparently, if Jason sees a bald kid, he might think it’s himself standing there. Yeah, Jason is kind of stupid.

The Sole Survivor grabs Jason’s machete and runs up from behind, swings and…knocks Jason’s hockey mask off. Yeah. Anti climactic, I know. Jason looks completely different from the third film, in spite of the fact that it is a lousy whole day and a half later. Jason reaches for her, which gives the kid the moment he needs. He grabs the machete and swings and unlike his sister actually has the ability to HIT his target. He plants the machete deep in Jason’s skull. Jason stumble and then falls face first to the ground. This allows the machete to go deeper. This insures that we see Jason is d-e-a-d. There is no way he is ever coming back. So the Sole Survivor is technically not the sole survivor. The movie ends with the two hugging in the hospital (we have a first, the last girl alive doesn’t flip out in this one, folks!). How sweet…well, until they cut to the close up of the kid with that homicidal gleam in his eye.

Oh, and whoever owns the rights to the Friday the 13th franchise, take note. Corey Feldman (!) makes it clear he wants to pull a Jamie Lee Curtis and return to the franchise for a battle to the death against Jason. Which is tough to do, since if you do the Halloween: H2O thing, you ignore the sequels that came after your film. Which means Jason is still dead. Oh, what is that you were saying, Mr. Franchise Owner? You had no interest in doing that? Glad to hear it.

October 6, 2015 0