Stupid College Kids vs Demon Nuns (The Convent, 2000)

The film opens with a an attractive girl in a leather jacket and sunglasses enters a convent and proceeds to blow away nuns with a shot gun before burning the place down… all played to the strains of “You Don’t Own Me” by Lesley Gore. This is a highly effective scene. There is a tongue in cheek tone set by this that carries through the whole film.

The film jumps ahead to the present (well, 2000). A bunch of college kids visit the convent to smoke dope, make-out and commit acts of vandalism. But some aspiring satanists show up, hoping to get power with a ritual sacrifice. Except, these are one of the most inept groups of satanists you will likely ever meet.

As noted, the Convent is a very tongue in cheek film. And the dialog tends to be pretty solid. The performances are pretty good, in large part because everyone seems to be having a lot of fun with it. There is a character in the film that reminds me totally of Richmond from the IT Crowd…but, uh the movie came first. Adrienne Barbeau is also awesomely badass in the film.

It is also full of gore, though all the demons seem to have neon blood, making it all very cartoonish.

I will say, there is some humor that has not aged particularly well. It is amusing when two guys are tied up as ritual sacrifices and one character suggests they have sex. The joke plays out to long, and goes from funny to uncomfortable as it pushes the gay character into the role of a predator continuing to push the other guy for sex.

But the Convent is a whole lot of gore infused fun, and just does not seem to be recognized much anymore. I would recommend it, as it still holds up as a fun flick.

October 7, 2019 0

Groundh-er-Christmas Day (the Christmas Do-Over, 2006)

Kevin is in a miserable place. His rock star dreams never panned out. His marriage collapsed, his former in-laws hate him and his son does not yet see what a lousy dad he has. He barely plans for a Christmas gift for his son and on Christmas Eve, he does anything he can to avoid participating. When his son makes the wish that everyday could be Christmas, Kevin pays the price…

Kevin finds himself restarting Christmas Eve over and Over. The film follows a very specific (and familiar template). First Kevin is confused and each day goes very badly for him. Then he starts to put the things he witnesses to use. He tries to scheme his way through things. This actually is played largely for comedy…especially how he works hard to undermine his wife Jill’s new boyfriend Todd. Honestly, this goes on so long it almost had me concerned he might get rewarded…but the film actually addresses it when one of Kevin’s attempts to escape the loop result in him realizing Kevin is actually a good guy who makes Jill happy.

The film is actually largely entertaining. Jay Mohr always makes for a good ass. Daphne Zuniga plays Jill, and is quite sympathetic. And a lot of the scenes of Kevin trying to scam the system are funny. And there are even some genuinely sweet moments as Kevin starts to see how badly he screwed things up.

The film has a small but good cast. The frustrated in-laws are played byTim Thomerson and Adrienne Barbeau. Ruta Lee is amusing as the heavy drinking Granny (let us ignore that she is only about ten years older than either Barbeau or Thomerson)…the one family member outside of his son who still likes Kevin.

The biggest pill of the film to swallow is, funny enough, not the concept. Instead, it is the ending. The ending is wrapped up in seconds, tosses characters aside for an unearned “Hero Gets what they Want” end. Instead of working within the framework of the lesson he learns, meaning he simply needs to accept the consequences and be the better man he learned to be? It gives us a less than five minute “Everything is fixed” ending. Very disappointing for an otherwise light and entertaining holiday movie.

December 21, 2018 0

Poe-Vision (Two Evil Eyes, 1990)

Two Evil Eyes is a double feature from George A. Romero and Italian horror icon Dario Argento. The two tales are Poe inspired tales The Facts in the Case of Mr. Valdemar and The Black Cat.

Romero’s tale is a pretty straight forward. Jessica Valdemar married Ernest Valdemar for his riches. She has to keep him alive, but he is nearing death. She is trying to keep her affair with his doctor, Robert Hoffman, secret. Hoffman is a practitioner of hypnotism and has been hypnotizing Mr. Valdemar. He dies during one of these sessions, presenting a problem for Jessica. His will specified he must live to a certain date for her to inherit his money.

Jessica and Robert concoct a plan to freeze the body so they can claim he died after the necessary date. But there is a hitch. Valdemar may not be dead. Moans come from the basement freezer…and eventually they are able to converse with him. Mr. Valdemar warns of others who want to use him to get into our world. Robert is obsessed with learning more…and it is not meant to end well.

Argento’s the Black Cat follows crime scene photographer Roderick Usher. He is following a series of murders seemingly inspired by the stories of Edgar Allen Poe. Meanwhile, his girlfriend has adopted a stray feral cat. When he kills the cat in a fit of rage, in spite of lying about it, his girlfriend kicks him out, certain of his guilt. But the cat keeps coming back. What ends up playing out is a gruesome telltale heart story.

Both stories have a great cast of horror veterans. Harvey Keitel is particularly good as the unlikeable cat obsessed Usher. The Black Cat has far more unnecessary gore than Romero’s story, but overall, they both are fairly effective stories.

October 11, 2017 0

Comics Are Rotten (Creepshow, 1982)

The Horror anthology has always been risky. There are few true classics. Mostly what you get are movies with a couple good tales among some duds. George Romero and Stephen King teamed up to create Creepshow.

The five stories included here are all pretty strong. The first is Fathers Day, the story of a somewhat rotten family gathering to celebrate the birthday of the late patriarch. This year, he intends to get his birthday cake.

The second story is the Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill is about a simple-minded farmer who discovers a meteor on his land. After touching the meteor, Jordy finds frass growing uncontrollably, consuming his body.

Something to Tide You over features an adulterous couple who are discovered by the woman’s husband. He seeks to take revenge trapping them on the beach (so to speak).

The Crate follows an older professor who is constantly belittled by his alcoholic gossip wife. His respite is his fellow professor, Dexter. Dexter is called to the school by a janitor who finds a mysterious crate tucked away. The crate seems to be decades old…but to also contain something still alive. And hungry.

Finally, They’re Creeping Up on You is about an old man obsessed with cleanliness finding his home seems to be under siege by cockroaches.

The film is framed as a comic book, with art by Jack Kamen (an E.C. comics artist, which is the inspiration for Creepshow). As each story begins and ends, we see comic book art that fades into the live image (or Vice Versa). The art is great and provides a unique look to the film. The film also has an extra framing device of a story about a young boy (Played by King’s real-life son Joe) whose father (played by veteran character actor Tom Atkins) is angry when he finds him reading a horror comic book.

Tom Savini provides a great series of effects, with visuals that mimic the color of comics. The gruesome visuals are not interested in realism, rather in being lush and colorful.

The cast is really terrific. You have veterans like E.G. Marshall and Hal Holbrook along with upcoming stars like Ed Harris and Ted Danson.

Most of the film has a tone of cartoonish horror. The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill struggles the most in this regard because at times it gets absurdly comical. But overall, Creepshow is still one of Romero’s straight up most fun works.

October 8, 2017 0

I Heart New York (Escape From New York, 1981)

1981’s Escape from New York was a large change from the Fog and Halloween. There were no supernatural elements and it was not a slasher. Instead, it was a straight up action film set in the distant future of 1997. Reagan married Thatcher and they had a kid who became President. Or something. Anyways, the president gets stuck in the worlds largest maximum penitentiary. Also known as New York.

Snake Plissken is coerced into slipping into Manhattan and saving the president. A pardon is promised. Of course, nothing turns out to be easy. Snake ends up with a small band of folks who help him save the President as well as a cassette tape with top secret intel.

This marked the second of several films John made with Kurt Russell. At the time, Russell was known for a string of Disney films. The character of Snake Plissken was rugged. He had an eye-patch, wore a trench-coat…he was a badass anti-hero. In the end, Plissken is basically an opportunist and an anarchist. He is not saving the president because he cares.

Carpenter gets action, and has Plissken face several jams, cunningly escaping each one. His accidental team include a cabbie (named Cabbie, played with dopey charm by Ernest Borgnine), former partner Brain (Harry Dean Stanton) and his girlfriend Maggie (Adrienne Barbeau). Their biggest impediment is the Duke (Isaak Hayes) who rules Manhattan.

I would say the weirdest thing is that some of the technology seems like it lacked creativity. Seriously, cassette Tapes??? On the other hand, the create computer graphics with models that create an impressive effect.

For a lower budget action film, Carpenter keeps the story moving as Snake runs a gauntlet of trouble. It is an exciting and entertaining film. This is one of Carpenter’s great films, and in the early eighties, he was on a real role.

October 9, 2016 0

Wisps (the Fog, 1980)

After two TV movies, John Carpenter returned to the screen with an old fashioned ghost story. Telling the tale of small seaside town Antonio Bay, the Fog follows events leading up to their Centennial. The town is planning to celebrate the near mythic four founders of the town. In the days leading up, there are mysterious events. Add a dense, unnatural fog. The Fog is not the scary part…there is something in the fog. Something cruel and angry.

Only a few townspeople know the true history. Father Malone is a tortured priest who has kept the secret. And the rest of the town continues on oblivious, writing off his warnings. But people are starting to discover some bizarre incidents. They find a ship that appears abandoned, until they find a sea ravaged body. A body that gets up once on land. There are knocks at doors, but there is nothing there. When the fog finally overtakes the town, the vengeful spirits start to decimate the town, while some race to save others.

This is a wonderfully classic haunting story. The characters are interconnected by the narration of Stevie Wayne, the local DJ who works in a converted lighthouse (it is, of course, related to the horrific history of Antonio Bay). As Stevie, Adrienne Barbeau has a sexy and raspy tone. Stevie is a single mother who is separated from her son, and her only way to communicate the threat is to keep talking on the radio. She also has a playful and flirtatious relationship with weather man Dan (Carpenter regular Charles Cyphers). Their relationship is entirely over the phone, but it is engaging.

Tom Atkins (always welcome in any film) is rugged local Nick Castle who picks up hitchhiker Elizabeth (Jamie Lee Curtis, returning from Halloween). They end up trying to save people after hearing Stevie over the radio. Hal Holbrook’s weary priest is a great performance.

The effects are so simply that they impress. The fog crawls through forests, engulfs houses and the ghosts hidden within are emphasized by eerie back lighting. Carpenter has filled the film with many great little touches, such as using the scenery of the town as a character all its own.

If you want a great and classic ghost story? You won’t go wrong with the Fog.

October 8, 2016 0

I Always Feel Like (Someone’s Watching Me!, 1978)

The same year Carpenter unleashed Halloween, he wrote and directed this television thriller. Lauren Hutton is Leigh Michaels, a television producer, new to Los Angeles. She moves into a high-rise apartment and then starts to receive ominous calls from a creepy voiced stranger who seems to know a lot about her. She has an ex who won’t give up and is trying to start a relationship up with a new man.

As the calls escalate (even after changing her number) and she is receiving mystery gifts, the Police let her know there is nothing they can do. Leigh retorts “Well, if he kills me, you will be the first to know!” As plots go, Someone is Watching Me is pretty pedestrian. And considering there are many true crime shows dedicated to stalking now, well, this probably seemed a bit freakier in a time when people were not really talking about stalking. It also becomes a bit like a reverse Rear Window.

It has a strong core cast with Hutton, Adrienne Barbeau and David Birney. Barbeau plays Hutton’s lesbian co-worker. I only note this because the film plays it off as merely another aspect of who she is. It is neither played as a joke or a sign of her being a suspicious individual.

Not unlike Halloween, Carpenter spends much of his time establishing the characters and building tension until the final twenty minutes or so when her stalker gets murderous and she struggles to convince her boyfriend and the authorities she is not making this all up.

Overall, you can see the spark of Carpenter’s film-making gifts. He takes a standard TV movie plot and manages to give his characters personality and build tension, throughout the film.

October 7, 2016 0

Born on the Bayou (Swamp Thing, 1982)

During 1972 and 1981, beloved horror director had made five films. His sixth was the coic book movie “Swamp Thing”. Based on the iconic character initially brought to life by Len Wein and Bernie Wrightson. It was more horror than super-hero and even though it had ended in 1976, producer Michael Uslan had purchased the rights to Swamp Thing and Batman (which would not see the screen for seven more years) out of love for those characters. Craven was more of an upstart, rather than cherished genre director.

The film tells the story of Alec Holland, a scientist, working on a powerful botanical formula with the help of his sister. Alice Cable arrives, on assignment from the government to check in on Holland. It turns out there is a rather bad guy named Arcane who is out to secure the formula for it’s properties. His henchmen try and steal it, which results in a fire that engulfs Alec after he is dowsed in his chemical. Holland runs into the swamp and dies.

Or appears to. He is resurrected as a large stuntman covered in a rubber suit meant to look like muck and plants the swamp. Eventually Arcane pursues Alice and the Swamp Thing and they acquire a sidekick (a little kid named Jude). eventually there is a big rubber suit climactic battle, as Arcane has turned himself into a monster using the formula.

The film was made on a low, low budget. Did I say low? I think it is somewhere beneath the swamp they filmed in. Using a real swamp is one of the best things in the film. Rather than looking like a cheap set, you get some downright beautiful swamp shots.

But Swamp Thing looks like a big rubber suit. Arcane’s monster is rather goofy looking. And the film makes the most of Adrienne Barbeau’s cleavage. The casting in the film is actually quite good. Barbeau’s Alice is tough and yet unsure of the world she is thrown into of monsters and henchmen. Ray Wise, known for his tough guy roles is thoughtful and kind here, giving a real soul to the character. Louis Jourdan is both suave and menacing (two things the film loses when he becomes a monster). Unfortunately the cast is not enough to save this from being a pretty bland adventure full of lifeless special effects.

It has a great poster though.

August 16, 2016 2

Many Tales To Tell (Tales of Halloween, 2015)

The horror anthology format is one that can yield tremendous success (Trick’r Treat, Creepshow) or terrible results (Creepshow 3, V/H/S 3). It has a somewhat spotty history, but the tradition holds strong. Probably the most ambitious, but not entirely successful were the two ABC’s of Death films, which each contained 26 short films. Tales of Halloween keeps it to ten stories, which is probably the limit for getting a good yield of stories.

The film uses the framing device of a small town where every Halloween the dead walk, ghouls play and monsters eat. Guiding us through the tales is (in a pretty obvious homage to her role in the fog) radio host Adrienne Barbeau (Creepshow, Swamp Thing).

The stories are hit or miss, with an uneven tone, but when they hit? They are terrific fun. Standouts include The Night Billy Raised Hell, the Ransom of Rusty Rex, Bad Seed, and Friday the 31st. What makes all those stories work is their sense of humor. All are having more fun than trying to be scary.

This Means War starts out strong, but ends kind of weakly.

Friday the 31st starts out like a slasher story, complete with an obvious Jason type…but then takes a complete left turn. The Ransom of Rusty Rex tells a tale of ambitious kidnappers who grab a rich man’s (John Landis, director of American Werewolf in London) son while he is trick or treating. Except, the boy is a bit more of a hellion than anticipated.

On the other hand, Sweet Tooth goes more for the traditional monster/urban legend territory…and it ends exactly like you expect it to. The Weak and the Wicked lacks any real life in it’s narrative, and for being a short, fails to do much in it’s premise of revenge.

In the end, I found the film an enjoyable watch, with some good humor, fun cameos and even a few scares. It is not quite Trick’r Treat, but it is some good Halloween fun.

October 31, 2015 0