Fear of Santa Claus Pt 8 (Santa’s Slay, 2005)

Probably one of the most unique takes on Santa Claus in this series…Santa’s Slay suggests that Santa was not a jolly saint…but rather a demon who lost a bet to an angel…but now that the bet is over, Santa goes on a rampage of death and destruction, starting by killing Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan. Directed by a guy who was an assistant to Brett Ratner-Oh-this is making more sense now.

So, as I mentioned, Santa is a demon, or more specifically the son of Satan. Get it? So, an angel makes a bet with him and Santa loses. For a 1,000 years he had to bring gifts to the good boys and girls around the world. Now, the thousand years are up. So Santa is anxious to make up for lost time. Santa is portrayed by the wrestler Goldberg…this means Santa is mainly bulging muscles. He is battled by Claire from Lost, who is trying to end his bloody path of destruction.

I really wish this movie was as much goofy fun as the basic plot suggests. But instead of gleefully dumb? It just is dumb. The effects are early aughts digital. Some work, but most do not. Likewise, some jokes are amusing, most are not. This wants to be a wacky horror comedy cult film…but it just does not reach those heights.

December 12, 2016 0

Fear of Santa Claus Part 7 (Christmas Evil, 1980)

Let us continue our journey through the most celebratory aspects of the Christmas holiday season. Now, certainly, the concept of the “Christmas Horror” horror film was an attempt to cash in both the popular late 70’s phenomenon of slasher horror films centered on holidays. Add the extra dimension of controversy and I am sure the film makers thought they had a gold mine. It is rather interesting to note that these films came significantly after Black Christmas. The Christmas Horror Film, which is rapidly appeared to be “movies about psychos in Santa Suits.”

For instance, there is Christmas Evil, starring…uh…well a guy who played a guy who may or may not be Santa on an episode of ER and directed by a guy who wrote two movies (including this one) between 1950 and today and was a producer of a 2003 film. Okay, not entirely fair. He may have written more, just two that made it to the screen. And that is two more than me. Let us discuss this 1980 Christmas charmer.

Harry Stradling loves Christmas. Always has. But as a child he is devastated to see Santa doing things with mommy that Santa just should not be doing. He grows up to be a low-level management type in a toy factory with an unhealthy obsession with watching children. He also spies on his co-workers, keeping a book of who is naughty and who is nice.

Bullied by those around him, he grows increasingly incensed at the way adults tell kids to do one thing, while doing the opposite. Basically, he is upset because the adults tell kids to be nice while being naughty themselves. He paints his van like a sleigh and proceeds to attempt to kill a co-worker who conned him into taking an extra shift. Then he stabs some people in front of a church. In front of a lot of witnesses. And runs away. And they just watch. Because, lets face it, if you saw Santa Clause pull up in a van, jump out and stab people and then drive away? You’d probably be pretty dumbfounded by what you saw it happen as well.

He ends up hiding out at a party, where people seem to like him, and the acceptance he craved is within grasp…until the cops let it be known there is a killer Santa on the loose. He goes on the run being chased by villagers with torches. Well, New Yorkers who apparently stopped off at that medieval torch store that New Yorkers are always talking about. But some are probably from the Village. In the end, this bit is hysterically memorable, as is the ending, in which Harry and his van fly through the air, past the moon, declaring…

“A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

Sigh. It is as bad as it sounds. Gluttons for punishment can check the movie out with Amazon Prime. By the way, the film cast includes Jeffrey DeMunn who you might recognize from movies like the Green Mile and the TV show the Walking Dead.

December 11, 2016 0

Fear of Santa Claus Part 6 (Silent Night, 2012)

In this 2012 remake of the original film, Santa has something he was missing in the first film. A freaking flame thrower.

The film opens right away with Santa killing an adulterous couple. He then shows up at the front door of a greedy little snot and kills her. Yeah, we see the killer off a kid in the first ten minutes or so. Jaime King is a deputy in a small town with about one hundred Santas, so you know it is going to be hard to find the one in the creepy mask killing people.

This film is largely about the kills. The original has it’s cult following for some of it’s kills (including using deer antlers-repeated in this film). But here they are far more elaborate, and bloody. Fargo’s wood chipper has nothing on this film. And a flame thrower. Santa has a flame thrower.

Unlike the original, this film opts for a mystery. We are not given the killer’s identity right from the start. We do not know his or her motive. And this is one of the more effective parts of this remake. A lack of discernible intent often makes for an effectively unnerving movie monster.

The cast here is pretty decent. Malcolm McDowell turns in a performance that admittedly is more about it being Malcolm McDowell. King is dependably sympathetic. Donal Logue is pretty entertaining as a lazy Santa who tells kids stuff like their parents might sell their gifts on Ebay and that you cannot trust parents.

One area where the film follows the original is a general undercurrent of sleaze. McDowell’s police chief even wonders just when the town got so sleazy. In place of mean nuns, there is a lascivious pastor. He seems like a creep from the get go when he tells King’s deputy that he will do anything to help her. There is a local porn industry, drug users, adulterers. Sometimes this works in the film…other times it feels like a cheap excuse for nudity

In certain respects, this is a far better film than the original or it’s sequels. But that is what they call damning with faint praise. The positives are about even with the negatives, and that is not enough to make a film worth the time to watch.

December 10, 2016 0

Fear of Santa Claus Pt 5 (Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: the Toymaker, 1991)

Oh boy. I genuinely feel bad for Mickey Rooney having this in his resume. On the other hand, the fact that he blasted the original film…well, it is kind of poetic. Rooney is kindly elderly toy-maker Joe Petto. Obviously, subtlety is not a priority for the film makers. Along with his son Pino (again, subtlety is a lost art), he runs a toy store. In case you missed it, there is a scene where a babysitter reads Pinocchio to a kid. His toys do not compete very well with the modern mass produced toys. But the film is not really about them…

It is about young Derek and his Mother Sarah. After a toy kills her husband, Derek stops talking, and he does not trust toys. Sarah is doing her best with Derek, and is unaware she is being stalked by a guy who just got out of the military. Don’t worry, he is actually Derek’s real father. Meanwhile, high tech toys are killing people.

The reveal of the person behind the killer toys is really no surprise. Although, the drive behind it is a bit…unique. Pino really wants Sarah to be his mom. This film continues the odd fascination with kids spying on people having sex. I am starting to suspect the people behind this franchise have a real unhealthy fear of sex. I mean, they just cannot avoid making a situation creepy. He wants to kill Derek and take his place, except Pino sees loving Sarah like she was his real mother as…well…incest.

No, Silent Night, Deadly Night does not finally elevate the franchise…it just keeps getting worse. About the only positive aspect is that the toy effects are good practical effects. This is not all that surprising, as they were designed and created by master effects-man Screaming Mad George. But it is not enough to make the film recommendable. And Ron Howard’s brother Clint makes a brief appearance as Ricky…it is unclear if this is the same Ricky from the previous film.

An interesting side note, the director Martin Kitrosser appears to be the go to script supervisor for Quentin Tarantino.

December 9, 2016 0

Fear of Santa Claus Pt 4 (Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation, 1990)

This fourth film is an old to good old fashioned man-hating feminism. I kind of wonder if it was ghost written by Rush Limbaugh. It is also the first film in the series to have no killer Santas.

Ambitious young reporter Kim is trying to break through the man’s world of investigative journalism. She is researching a story about a young woman who lept from the roof of a building and burst into flames. While investigating, she meets Octopussy. Well, Fima, but she is played by Maud Adams. Fima invites Kim to a special get together of her feminist book club. Kim starts to have visions of worms and stuff.

The film is full of scenes where people espouse all sorts of basic caricatures of feminism and anti-feminism. Kim talks like the version of feminism from a guy who did a quick google search on feminism. Listen, I get that Google did not exist when the movie was made. That is not the point. There is no depth to the characters. No deep motivation to their ideals and beliefs.

Kim finds that Fima and her friends are a witches coven that are trying to bring Kim into the fold for a winter sacrifice. Ultimately, she cannot, because that sacrifice? Involves killing a little boy, so she fights back.

Unlike the other films in the franchise, this is not a slasher. Instead, this is more of a body horror film. Not unlike Cronenberg, director Brian Yunza has an obsession with gruesome body deformations and changes. The film is also heavily focused on bugs. Because…bugs.

The effects are very strong, as created by the effects artist Screaming Mad George.

Clint Howard plays a homeless guy named Ricky, but it is unclear if he is the same Ricky as the previous two films. He seems to be the “Weird Homeless Guy” the film needs to creep out Kim and is a servant to the witches. Guess they needed a man after all.

December 8, 2016 0

Fear of Santa Claus Pt 3 (Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out, 1989)

In the 3rd installment, things get weird. The first two films were straight up slasher films. This film introduces a psychic blind girl who has a connection to Ricky. Ricky was not killed in the second film…instead he is in a coma and someone chopped off the top of his head and replaced it with a plastic dome which shows off his brain. So, yeah…it is getting weird.

Why scientists would want to have a psychic connect with a serial killer is a bit uncertain, though they say something about seeing what he sees. But of course, Ricky wakes up and pursues Laura (the previously mentioned blind psychic girl) to her family gathering at a cabin. And he, you know, kills people.

One of the things that stands out is just how truly unpleasant Laura is. Especially when she is talking to her brother and his girlfriend. Both are friendly and kind towards her, and all she can do is offer snarky and condescending comments.

Robert Culp is the police officer pursuing Ricky, which I suspect was an attempt to make the film seem more legit. On Culp’s part, I suspect it was simply a paycheck. Culp is probably the strongest thing in the film, and his exchanges with the doctor responsible for Ricky’s reawakening can be amusing. The doctor has his moments, as when he tell’s Culp in a deadly serious voice “Science is the only way to restore our innocence.”

I am a big fan of Bill Moseley, who plays Ricky here…but the character does not offer him much opportunity to perform. He just stumbles around, looking like he is in a daze. And sometimes he says “Laura” in a raspy whisper. But hey, he has a dome on his head. That is something.

This might very well be the best film in the franchise. But make being less terrible is still quite terrible.

December 7, 2016 0

Fear of Santa Claus Pt 2 (Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, 1987)

In the first film, there is a baby in the car with Billy. We hear nothing about that baby until the end of the film that this baby is Billy’s little brother Ricky. Which matters a bit more for this film. Number 2 deals with a grown up Ricky.

Often with sequels, especially in the horror genre, there is habit of telling the same story, simply with new characters. The producers of this film apparently found that to daunting of a task. So, we find that Ricky is institutionalized. He is being interviewed by a psychiatrist about his story. So, he begins to tell the story of the first film. The first forty minutes or so are scenes from the original film with narration by Ricky. After that we get all new flashbacks as Ricky recounts his own mad killing spree of naughty people. He apparently did not wear a Santa suit or center his rampage around Christmas. This lasts another thirty minutes. The last fifteen minutes or so is his Christmas rampage as he goes to find and kill Mother Superior from the orphanage where he grew up. He blames her for for Billy and his sociopath leanings. So, it takes until the last fifteen minutes before Ricky dons a Santa Suit.

Yes, this film is almost entirely a flashback, reusing a whole lot of footage from the first film. It is not particularly well acted or well written. In one scene, Ricky appears behind a nun and yells boo. I mean, he yells it like “Boooooooo!” The effects are pretty mundane, and the one liners pretty weak. Okay, the utterly ridiculous “Trash Day!!!” as Ricky shoots a guy who is bringing his trash to the curb (no idea what he did that was so naughty) is kind of funny. It even appears on t-shirts.

This second entry is no better than the first. It is very representative of the worst types of horror movie sequels.

December 6, 2016 0

The Nights Santa Went Crazy

So, welcome to December. Originally, I was just going to do a review of Silent Night, Deadly Night and move on to more typical Christmas fare. But then I figured that I would go through the entire Silent Night, Deadly Night Franchise…then why not other killer Santa movies…and so it blossomed into a series of reviews I am putting under “Fear of Santa Claus”. Tomorrow will kick it off with the original Silent Night, Deadly Night.

December 3, 2016 0

Prison Without Prison Bars (Prisoners, 2013)

In this compelling, but bleak, tale Hugh Jackman is Keller Dover. His Daughter and her friend have disappeared and he is working aggressively to find them. As he feels the police are not working hard enough, he opts to kidnap the lead suspect. He tortures the young man, Alex, who is mentally about ten. And the deeper it all goes, he becomes more and more obsessed.

But there becomes question on whether Alex is truly guilty. The downward spiral of Keller as Detective Loki tries to solve the kidnapping is frightening. He becomes that thing he is seeking to stop. The film ends on a truly dark note.

Visually, it is every bit as colorless and gloomy as it’s story. You hope for a resolution and finding Dover’s daughter and her friend. And yet, even the resolution of the film has a futility. This is not to say it is a bad film. But you don’t walk out with a sense of hope, that is for sure.

November 24, 2016 0

We Belong To The Night (Nightcrawler, 2014)

Jake Gyllenhaal is lowlife Louis Bloom. He makes his living stealing and pawning stuff. He is also not above harming people to get out of situations. One night he discovers Joe Loder…a camera man who patrols the night for accidents, murders and other tragedies so he can sell the footage to television news. This ends up to be a perfect job for Louis.

A lot of films are about an arc…a good character being corrupted…a corrupt character finding redemption. That is not this film. Louis is soulless, lacking any compassion. This serves him well as he starts excelling at the exploitation of people’s pain and suffering. Gyllenhaal is intense and frightening in the role. He is a sociopath, filming the suffering of even people in his own life. The footage is what matters, not the people.

In spite of the darkness of Louis, this film makes it hard to look away and draws you in, hoping for that moment where Louis might show a spark of humanity. But Louis is cruelly satisfied with who he is. Nightcrawler is a good and effective film, but also unrelentingly dark.

November 23, 2016 2