Bored Housewives (Season of the Witch, 1972)

Originally made as “Hungry Wives” (which sounds more like some sexploitation film), the title of Season of the Witch was chosen to tie in to the Donavon song of the same name (which is used in the film). It is also a much more apt title.

Joan Mitchell’s husband is going out of town on business, and while he is gone, she falls under the influence of suburban witches.

Some see this as a feminist work, truthfully, it felt more like a well meaning work that understood cartoonish versions of feminism. It really is the “Men are Evil, Marriage is Prison” styled feminism you sometime see in right wing parody.

The film does a lot of disorienting “dream vision” which just feels odd. And the problem is, really…the film is remarkably dull. Romero has stated it is the one film of his he would have liked to remake. And I do wonder what an older Romero would have done with it..

October 3, 2017 0

Special Visitor (Salem’s Lot, 1979)

Hooper’s first Stephen King adaption, Salem’s Lot is a pretty straightforward vampire story. Popular writer Ben Mears has returned home to Salem’s Lot. But Mears is not the only person arriving in town. The mysterious Mr. Barlow and his employee Mr. Straker have arrived. Nobody has met Barlow, but he is taking up residence in the old Marsten House.

Mears actually has a theory that the house is evil and attracts evil men. And in this case, he will discover he is very right.

Townspeople start to get anemic and die, causing Ben to wonder if it is a vampire, but he needs proof. At the same time, he is falling in love with local teacher Susan Norton.

It becomes a race against time for Ben to find proof and defeat Barlow.

Salem’s Lot was a two-part mini-series, allowing it to explore the story more. Initially, we start witnessing the dark secrets of the town, such as the affair between Larry Crockett and Bonnie Sawyer.

There are some great visuals in the film, for example, a young boy is visited at his window by a friend who is floating outside. Hooper makes use of the atmosphere of his local very effectively.

I really like the choice of the vampire looking like Count Orlok from 1922’s Nosferatu.

While it can be a bit slow in it’s build up, it is a pretty decent vampire tale with good spooky atmosphere and sets. Salem’s Lot shows a real measure of improvement over Eaten Alive for Hooper as a director.

October 3, 2017 0

Crocodiles Make Fine Pets (Eaten Alive, 1976)

Tobe Hooper followed up his classic horror the Texas Chainsaw Massacre by traversing similar ground but in a different way. Set in rural Texas, Judd runs the local Starlight Hotel. It is a remote location, with its own swamp. And in that swamp? Judd keeps a giant crocodile. And guess what he feeds it?

Judd is your standard movie religious psychotic redneck. He kills prostitutes, he kills johns, he kills people who might expose him for killing prostitutes and so on.

Everything about this film feels like a sub-par take on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Both were made with obvious low budgets, yet here it just makes the film look cheap. In place of any tension, the film feels sleazy and generally unpleasant.

Probably the most interesting thing about the film is the cast. It features a young Robert Englund, and several familiar faces, such as Mel Ferrer and Neville Brand. And yes, the woman running the brothel is Morticia Addams, Carolyn Jones.

This was ultimately a disappointing follow-up to a classic.

October 2, 2017 0

They’re Coming To Get You (Night of the Living Dead, 1968)

1968 was a time of real social upheaval in the United States of America. Out of this turmoil was born a tale of people desperate to survive in a situation they cannot hope to make sense of.

George Romero and his friend John Russo put together a film that would challenge the norms of film-making in America. Horror monsters had always been distinct creatures. Vampires, werewolves and so on. But Night of the Living Dead introduced something different.

The concept of the zombie was not a new one. But Romero and Russo introduced a lot of what we consider standard zombie lore. Head shots to kill, undead and eaters of flesh. These monsters were scary not because of their personalty…but because they were our loved ones, but without soul…the dead are a horde without emotion and only seeking to devour.

We are introduced to Barbara and her brother Johnny. They have come to a remote cemetery to place flowers on their father’s grave. When they are attacked by a man, Barbara is forced to flee. She discovers a farmhouse and along with another stranger, Ben, start to try and hide from the attackers. Soon they discover they are not alone in the house and the small band of survivors work to try and survive and determine a way to escape.

The group finds itself strained by the tensions that develop as some desire to stay hidden, while others hope to get away from the farm. They are able to find news reports giving bits of information, but leaving them with few answers.

In some ways, Night of the Living Dead is ahead of the curve for films of that time. Ben (Duane Jones) is a black man who finds himself assuming the role of leader for many of the group. On the other hand, Barbara is pretty much comatose the entire film, paralyzed by her fears. Romero does not burden himself with to complex of a story, and although there are hints of a cause, the film is vague about it. There is talk of a satellite and radiation, but ultimately, there is no definitive answer.

Night of the Living Dead is an effective thriller that is, in the end, responsible for what we now know to be zombies. It’s significance cannot be overlooked, as it defined the zombie as a monster that still stands today.

October 2, 2017 0

October: The Dead, Martians and Atomic Brains

Welcome to the month of October. As with every year, it will be scary movies all month. Themes for this month include the films of George A. Romero and Tobe Hooper.

I had started doing a zombie theme for the month, but the death of Romero in July prompted an exploration of his films, as I really had only seen a few. And I had not seen some key parts of his older work, so it was interesting to take a look at films like Martin and Season of the Witch (one I find myself generally thrilled with and the other…well…).

Only a month later, Hooper passed. Now, I have covered a few Tobe Hooper films in the past so I will not be creating new entries for those. For Lifeforce, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and the Funhouse…click the links). I confess Hooper’s films start to take a sharp turn after the Mangler (which is more a crazy mess than a classic). I am going to also include his Masters of Horror episodes Dance of the Dead (which seems like it would be a Romero title for a zombie movie set at a rave, oh wait, that was one of the Return of the Living Dead films) and the Damned Thing.

Also, later this month, I will be going through the entire filmography of Christopher R. Mihm, a local Minnesota filmmaker. He has a new movie coming out this month, the Demon with the Atomic Brain. His films are loving odes to the horror and sci-fi films of the fifties and sixties. His Mihmicerse is populated with ghosts, mutant animals, and Nazi Killing Weresquitos. I will expound more as we get to the films later this month.

Hope you have as much fun reading these as I have had writing them.

October 1, 2017 0

Mumms the Word (The Mummy, 2017)

Everybody wants a shared Universe these days. Granted, this is not an entirely new concept. And Universal used to cross over their monsters all the time. Dracula Untold was supposed to kick off the “Dark Universe” and then got “removed from Canon” and this latest incarnation of the Mummy was the new starting point.

Nick Morton and Chris Vail are fortune hunting soldiers. They stumble on a bizarre discovery in Iraq…the tomb of the Egyptian princess Ahmanet. They search the tomb with archeologist Jenny Halsey, ultimately taking the coffin of Ahmanet. Nick finds himself selected to be the cursed Princess’s beloved, and also the host for the god Set. After an event that results in the death of Chris and Nick, Nick awakens in the morgue. He now finds himself haunted by Chris (think Griffin Dunne in An American Werewolf in London) and hunted by Ahmanet. After she is captured by a mysterious organization headed by Henry Jekyll, Nick is filled in on the history of the monster hunting organization and the plans for Nick.

The film largely is about Nick trying to escape from his unwanted destiny. There is an ill-fitted romance between Nick and Jenny. The design sense of the film is kind of pedestrian, except for the mummy herself. The look seems to be inspired by the Enchantress from last year’s Suicide Squad.

Clearly, a lot went into the mythology of this mummy, but the film itself seems unsure of its identity. Are they trying to be scary? It just is never chilling. Is it an adventure? It is certainly a dour one if it really is one at all. This film lacks both the dark bite of earlier films and the gleeful fun of the 1999 predecessor.

September 23, 2017 0

Cleanup In Aisle 4 (Bait, 2012)

Bait is trying to be a terrifying drama set in a below ground grocery store after a massive tsunami hits. The film actually opens up a year earlier in the life of a young couple who are engaged. A shark kills the young woman’s brother, and her fiance fails to save him. He blames himself and damages the relationship. When she shows up in the grocery store with a new man, her former fiance is not thrilled.

There is a subplot with a robbery gone bad, a police officer who has a strained relationship with his daughter and her boyfriend. This is all interrupted by a tsunami, which fills the grocery store and the parking garage. Trapped inside, the people start to try and work out a way to get to the surface. This becomes much more complicated when several large sharks get in.

Bait means to give meaning to the lives and deaths of the characters, but what ends up happening is characters die for terrible convenience…the new boyfriend dies heroically, but it is clear he had to die so that the original couple could rekindle their relationship.

I do not have a ton to say about this film…the drama is overwrought, the sharks painfully cartoonish and there are no actual scares.

September 17, 2017 0

Worst Plan Ever (Shark Night 3-D, 2011)

Shark Night 3-D is the exciting tale of pretty college students under siege by digital sharks in a swamp. Oh, this may sound like a Sy Fy film, but it actually appeared in theaters.

All the kids are going to Sara’s family home. After the camera follows the drive at high speed and set to a pop alternative rock song. They meet up with some hicks who have a grudge against Sara. These are the kind of stereotypical creepy hicks who hate things like “learnin'”. And one has apparently filed his teeth into “shark” teeth. Foreshadowing. They also meet the local water sheriff played by Donal Logue. Just a good old boy who still likes Sara. Not romantically. Just buddies.

While water skiing, a shark takes the arm off of one of the kids. This unleashes a series of problems that just get worse and worse. But the guy who lost an arm and a whole lot of blood manages to stab a hammerhead shark to death in revenge for another shark eating his girlfriend.

Of course, the film does not leave it a mystery as to why the swamp is full of random sharks. Some of the creepy hicks did it. You know why? To get rich. Ah ha! An elaborate ransom scheme?! No! Do you guys know how popular Shark Week is?! DO YOU???? The creepy hicks think if they feed people to the sharks and film it, they will rake in the cash. So, yeah, not really a well thought out plan.

When the characters with the most depth and personality are the embarrassingly stereotypical redneck hicks, you know there are problems. I find myself forgetting just which of the characters died. I would wonder about where a character was…or worse, why they were suddenly back on the boat.

I feel like I need to say something positive.

The digital sharks look okay. Is that something? Yeah, that qualifies.

September 16, 2017 0

Not A Jaws Rip Off At All (The Last Shark, 1981)

Enzo G. Castellari‘s 1981 shark epic is in no way an unofficial remake of Jaws. It is entirely it’s own film with a unique plot.

The Last Shark is the story of a small town with a beach intended just for swimmers. No sharks allowed. And this one gigantic great white shark, we will call him Sharkey, gets pissed about this bigotry and segregation. Okay, well, not really, I mean, Sharkey is a shark, people. A big shark.

Anyways, there are a couple shark attacks and a guy keeps trying to tell the Mayor there is a shark. The mayor does not want to hurt tourism, so he keeps it a secret. And then a shark attacks people at a big event in front of a television audience no less. So some guys get in a boat and hunt the shark Completely different from Jaws. See? I mean, the “No Sharks Allowed” rule at Chief Brody’s beach was more implied.

This shark actually looks better than in Jaw 3-D two years later. That does not mean it looks good. Just better. The shark is a combination of stock footage of different kinds of sharks and a big immobile model. The model bobs up out of the water to “scare” people.

The film is full of shots of people doing things in slow motion. Running into the water. Running out of the water. Flotation balloons moving through the water. People windsurfing. There is a lot of slow motion shots in this film. A whole lot. Like, this hour and twenty minute film would be around thirty eight minutes if those slow motion scenes were played at a regular speed.

Really, the Last Shark is pretty unbearably boring that figures as long as you see a fin cut through the water and people in their swimsuits…and a cut rate Quint and the audience will be all in. And uh…well, you might be shocked to discover that this simply is not true.

September 15, 2017 0

Up From the Depths With a Vengeance (Jaws: The Revenge, 1987)

Apparently, the one thing that could kill the shark was this film. Opening up shortly before Christmas, we find Sean Brody is now working for the Amity police. He lives with his mother (a returning Lorraine Gary). He is called out to take care of a log floating in the bay. As he tries to get the log, a large great white shark attacks Sean.

Mike comes home to be with his grieving mother and invite her to return with him to his Bahaman home where he is studying snails. She gives in, though starts expressing a belief that the shark has returned to take out the family. And sure enough, once in the Bahamas, the shark appears.

Most of the film is spent with Michael and local pilot Hoagie trying to convince Ellen that it is all coincidence, but she knows better. In the meantime, Mike and his research partner Jake are secretly studying the giant great white.

While the idea that Ellen would be obsessed with the notion that the shark is seeking revenge on her family is intriguing…it is undermined by the fact that she is right. The shark is calculated, ignoring people who are not related to the Brody family (one death is because the shark misses a Brody) and showing itself a skilled hunter, navigating its way through a sunken ship. The dialog also seems to ignore that Chief Brody killed the previous to sharks, with Ellen and Mike talking as if this new shark is the same shark from earlier films.

The film gets even more improbable. It pretty much eats a plane (of course the shark downed a helicopter in the second film). The shark pops out of the water and roars. Like a dinosaur.

Jaws: the Revenge completely ignores Jaws 3-D, and tries very hard to ties itself to the first film. There are several duo-toned clips from the original, meant to draw parallels. Except, they are presented in a way that implies they are memories of Ellen’s. But she is recalling things she never witnessed. Martin killing the shark, Sean being killed by the shark…and so on and so on.

Really, all those call backs just bring more attention to how anemic this film is. Even Michael Caine couldn’t save it.

September 14, 2017 0