Roid Rage Part 4 (Kull the Conqueror, 1997)

Based on the popularity of Hercules the Legendary Journeys and Xena Warrior Princess, an attempt was made to revisit the worlds of Robert E. Howard. This time, it was another of his sword and sorcery heroes. Kull is a barbarian who blunders his way into the crown.

Really. He is trying to join an army, but the general mocks him, noting his army is comprised of men of noble blood and Kull is a mere barbarian. The General is called back to the castle because the King is slaughtering all his next of kin. Kull shows up, gets into a fight with the king, slaying him. As both the general and one of the King’s sons tries to claim the throne, the King gives them the finger and proclaims Kull King with his dying breath.

Rules are rules, and so Kull gets to live the good life. Meanwhile, this shady guy with a beast man assistant is resurrecting an ancient sorceress who happens to be the magically babelicious Tia Carrere. She plans to rule her kingdom again and seduces Kull. After she and her minion convince everyone Kull was poisoned by a member of his Harem, Kull is tossed into slavery, but he escapes. Then they go on a mission to get the magical power that can stop Carrere.

This is a pretty sub-par tale, even by fantasy standards. It is not pulpy fun, and in spite of being a theatrical release? It feels like a weak TV movie. And frankly, the appeal of Sorbo is kind of lost on me here.

Kull is a lifeless adaption of Howard’s work.

December 8, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 3 (Red Sonja, 1985)

This film is an example of not getting your ducks in a row. The producers wanted to capitalize on the success of Conan. They decided on Red Sonja, a warrior woman within the same universe. Well, sort of. Red Sonja as written by Howard was not set in the world of Conan at all. She was a swashbuckler in the 16th century. Roy Thomas introduced her in the Conan comics.

The producers convinced Arnold to return as Conan for what was supposed to be a glorified cameo, though, basically, he was tricked into a co-starring role. But here is where they also ran into problems. It turns out they did not have the rights to use Conan. So, instead, after a brief prologue getting us up to speed on Red Sonja’s past (her family was killed when she rejected the advances of the evil Queen Gedren, who also had Sonja raped by her soldiers) we see Not Conan. Now called Kalidor, he is on a mission, but keeps running into dead ends. His destination is a temple where Priestesses are preparing to destroy a Mcguffin called the Talisman. It is super powerful, so evil people want it, and the ceremony is interrupted by Queen Gedren.

One Priestess escapes and finds Not Conan. She is Red Sonja’s sister. Red Sonja has been training to be the Ultimate Warrior. And her trainer confirms she is officially the best. But she should really trust men better. This is one of those weird cartoon feminism things. It also is a little odd that she is only distrustful of men, considering it was the Queen that had her family killed. But whatever.

Red Sonja goes on a quest for vengeance after her sister dies, but also to, you know, destroy the Talisman. She is joined by Not Conan, a boy prince and his man servant, the Beast Rabban. The second two characters are more comic relief, which undermines any possible seriousness the film has. And Brigitte Nielson is not the most charismatic actress as Red Sonja. Which is a problem, as she has to carry the weight of the film. Add to that the fact that this is her film debut and it seems remarkably unfair to her.

Directed by the same man who directed Conan the Destroyer, Richard Fleischer, this film really lacks the excitement of the Conan Films. A lot of the action seems repetitive and kind of boring. Red Sonja has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity, but this film does her no service.

December 7, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 2 (Conan the Destroyer, 1984)

Conan the Barbarian was a decent size hit, so a sequel was put into motion. Conan and his narrator Akiro the wizard. They are joined by comic relief and thief Malak. The Queen Taramis calls upon the trio to join her guard Bombaata in escorting the virginal Princess Jehnna to retrieve a mystical gem. Her goal is to harness the power of Dagoth, god of dreams.

Along their journey they add the fierce warrior Zula. Grace Jones is a striking figure in this role.

The story is slightly more detailed than the previous film, with Conan being a bit more talkative, though still mostly relying his physically imposing presence. Wilt Chamberlain’s Bombaata is effective as a counter to Conan.

There are some moments that become almost comical that I suspect were not meant to be. One example is a sequence where a monster swings Conan by his ankles…and it looks hilariously goofy.

That said, I kind of enjoy this film a bit more than the first film. I think it is a bit more fun and the plot device is more interesting. The first film is another revenge plot, here, Conan is more of a Mad Max type of lead.

As an aside, I love that instead of calling the film Conan 2 or Conan the Barbarian II, they went with Conan the Destroyer. I wish more films would do that with pulp and comic book origins. Marvel has kind of started doing this (after missing opportunities like Invincible Iron Man). But I think it helps give this film it’s own identity.

There has been talk about a third Schwarzeneggar film, called King Conan, paying off on the final images of the first film. But I am not to hopeful after the recent attempt at reviving the franchise in film was not so successful.

December 6, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 1 (Conan the Barbarian, 1982)

Conan the Barbarian has conquered a lot of mediums. Books, comic books, television…but I think it is hardly an exaggeration to say that the Arnold Schwarzeneggar films heavily defined the public’s perception of the character.

As a young boy, Conan’s family is slaughtered by a snake cult led by Darth Vader’s voice. Thulsa Doom lets his men sell young Conan into slavery. Conan grows up to be super strong, going from slave to popular pit fighter. This affords him rewards. Eventually, he is free and goes to find Doom. He makes friends with the mystic Wizard and the beautiful warrior Valeria.

Conan’s world is full of magicians and demons. Thulsa can transform himself into a snake and commands his people to perform human sacrifices. There is not a lot of depth to this character, and really, the story does not call for it.

Robert E. Howard’s Conan was on the high end of the “noble savage” trope. This film aims more for the brute force savage. Granted, they try and make sure he has a sense of goodness. In one early scene, he is offered a nearly slave girl. His first action is to give her a blanket to cover herself.

This Conan is a man of few words. Even in the opening scenes with his parents, there is no real dialog. This may have been a bit of necessity, as Schwarzeneggar was very fresh to acting.

Conan the Barbarian is one of the better barbarian films of the early eighties and remains pretty entertaining.

December 5, 2017 0

Just Because… (Warcraft, 2016)

So…apparently, a horde of angry and evil Orcs travel through a portal to take over the world of Azeroth. Some of the Orcs side with the humans, because “Not All Orcs” or some such.

To be honest? I watched this movie based on the popular Blizzard Entertainment open world game twice. I know people got super immersed in the game. I have never played it and do not know much beyond it is kind of like D&D…? And after two viewings, I remember very little about it. My last viewing was actually less than 24 hours from when I am typing this. And I absolutely have no strong memory about the film. Which is disappointing.

I remember it had Jesse Custer and Tulip from Preacher in it. And Ben Foster. And a sexy orc woman. Kind of a taller, more muscular Orion Slave Girl from Star Trek. Some magic powered guy talked about how he renounced his vows and wants to still help the kingdom fight the evil orcs. Lots of fights that did not make a whole lot of overall sense. Or rather the plot seemed remarkably inconsequential.

I kind of hate writing these types of reviews. I actually don’t like spending a tremendous amount of time tearing movies down. Certainly, so movies are so ridiculous that they inspire hilarity. And that can be a bit fun to write.

But Warcraft? It is a competently made film. It has a perfectly good cast. And this is from Duncan Jones, a director who I think is quite talented. And yet, it just was…painfully forgettable. Not a good sign since, according to IMDB, the title is actually Warcraft: The Beginning.

December 3, 2017 0

Making a Monkey… (Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, 1977)

Prince Kassim has been transformed by his stepmother into a Baboon. She wants her own son, Rafi, to inherit the throne. For help, his sister, the Princess Farah calls on her beloved Sinbad for help. They go on a quest to save Kassim from his cruel fate.

After finding out that the only cure can be found in a magical region of the Arctic, Sinbad races against the evil Zenobia and Rafi, who use magic to try and sabotage Sinbad’s chances.

Harryhausen, as usual, delivers amazing and whimsical monsters, ranging from a giant walrus to a giant Troglydite. Margaret Whiting makes a deliciously over the top villain and Patrick Wayne is pretty good as the swashbuckling Sinbad.

This film, of course, suffers the same cultural problem of casting white people in non-white roles. This was certainly treated as less of an issue as recently as the 70’s, but that simply does not make it less problematic.

In spite of this, I have always had fond memories of this film. It is both exciting and whimsical. It is worth noting that this film is written by Beverly Cross, who wrote Jason and the Argonauts and would go on to write the original Clash of the Titans. Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger is an enjoyable adventure in that same vein.

December 2, 2017 0

Golden Boy (The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, 1973)

While at sea, Sinbad happens upon a golden tablet that he decides to wear as an amulet. During the night, his ship is hit with a storm and Sinbad has a dream of a man dressed in black and a beautiful woman. He and his crew find themselves near Marabia. There he is met by a man who wants the amulet. After a chase, Sinbad meets the Grand Vizier who wears a Golden Mask to conceal his deformed face. He tells Sinbad about the tablet, that it is only part of a larger puzzle that will reveal a map to the Foutain of Destiny.

The mysterious cloaked man, Prince Koura also seeks the fountain, for nefarious purposes. Sinbad agrees to help the Visier. Before they leave, he meets Margiana-the beautiful woman from his dream. Her master wants him to hire his son, and Sinbad agrees on the condition that Margiana goes with them.

As they try and reach the Fountain, Koura uses dark magic to try and interfere with Sinbad’s journey. However, this has a side effect of draining his lifeforce.

The Golden Voyage of Sinbad is, on the one hand, great fantasy fun. It features the art of Harryhausen, with fantastical monsters and magical adventure.

On the other hand, it falls into the grand Hollywood tradition of brownface. Featuring John Phillip Law as Sinbad, facing off against Doctor Who’s Tom Baker, the cast is largely white actors playing characters of middle eastern heritage. While it is hard to complain about the casting of the beautiful Caroline Munro as Margiana, the character is rather thin in development.

It is mainly the visual elements of the Golden Voyage that make it enjoyable, as the story is a rather standard quest.

December 1, 2017 0

Rise of a Zero (Hercules, 1997)

The gods of Olympus are celebrating the birth of the son of Zeus and Hera (um…slight change from myth, Disney cannot be seen as endorsing extramarital god flings) Hercules. Everybody seems happy except brother Hades. Hades attempts to turn Hercules mortal…but is only half successful, forcing Zeus to allow his son to be raised on earth by a poor couple of peasants. Hades is unaware that his plan was unsuccessful, mislead by his minions Pain and Panic, and believes Hercules is dead.

But years later, Hercules is a clumsy young man, who seems to cause trouble anywhere he goes, due to not being able to properly judge his own strength. He seeks the help of satyr Phil to train to become a true hero. Along the way he falls for “bad girl” Meg, who turns out to be a pawn of Hades. He is shocked to discover that Hercules is alive and sets out to get rid of Hercules and Zeus at the same time.

Frankly, James Woods is the best thing here. His Hades is a darkly comic jerk who is quite bit of fun. The films tone and honor are kind of all over the place, and not particular effective (especially the whole mocking of “branding”, which rings kind of hollow as critical humor goes).

I really like the character design of the film. The art style is unique from previous Disney animated features. Ultimately, we are left with a light film that is kind of a mess in it’s execution.

It is not something I plan to do often, but this essay from Lindsey Ellis on the film hits pretty much everything I like and dislike about the film. And is more entertaining than my ramblings.

November 30, 2017 0

The Myth, the Legend… (Hercules, 2014)

The film begins by detailing the great legends of Hercules. As a child he defeats snakes sent by a jealous Hera. He fought the Hydra. He defeated the Erymanthian Boar. The Nemean Lion. We discover this is a tale being told to some pirates about to kill a young man. Hercules walks into the camp, and before the lead pirate’s eyes, dispatches his crew. We the audience realize he is not doing it alone. Hiding among the camp are a skilled team. It turns out that Hercules has a bunch of super friends that help feed the legend of an unbeatable warrior. And they are really just mercenaries.

While celebrating their latest victory, they are approached by Ergenia, daughter of Lord Cotys. She is asking for help to protect their home from a local warlord and promises the team their weight in gold. After agreeing, Hercules and his Amazing Friends help Cotys defeat the Warlord. But they soon find they may have aligned themselves with the wrong people.

Hard to believe there were two Hercules films in 2014, but here we are. This film is all about playing with the myth. The film never confirms whether Hercules is truly a demigod or if the gods are even real. At the same time, it never truly denies it either. In fact, the film pretty much ends on a “Who knows???” kind of note.

There is also a mystery, as rumors of Hercules having killed his own wife and children dog him. He was cast out of the kingdom of King Eurystheus for this and it is what led to his life as a mercenary. All of this plays around with the idea of myths and legends versus “the Truth”. This is another “all new tale”, though it tries to supplant those old tales of Hercules as the true story we never new.

Based on a graphic novel, I am somewhat relieved it did not go the route of 300 or Sin City. Or even it’s competition, the Legend of Hercules. The action scenes are not heavily stylized.

The film seems to be relying entirely on Johnson’s charisma to sell the film. The actions sequences are competent, but not especially memorable. The element of the fantastic is blunted by the attempt to be coy about it’s place in reality versus fantasy. Even the best characters rely on great actors giving stock performances. This is especially true of Ian McShane’s Amphiaraus, the wise drunk.

This is certainly one of Ratner’s better films…but frankly, that is not saying much. Nothing really saves this from being disappointing at best.

November 29, 2017 0

The Legend of Some Guy (The Legend of Hercules, 2014)

Years ago Queen Alcmene for her husband’s lust for power terrifying and pledged to Zeus to bear his son, with the purposes of ending the King’s reign. Their first born, Iphicles, grows up to be a selfish brat, jealous of his more loved younger brother. Hercules seems oblivious to his brother’s petty nature, even allowing him to publicly take credit for Hercules deeds. Hercules is happy as long as he has the love of the beautiful Princess Hebe. But one night, the King announces that she is to be married to Iphicles. Hercules and Hebe run away together, but are caught.

As punishment, Hercules is sent to Egypt with a regiment of the army. There, they are ambushed and only Hercules and General Sotiris survive. They are sold into slavery and end up fighting in gladiator combat. They use this to get back to Greece so he might save his beloved. But once they return, it becomes clear that he has a larger destiny.

Part of this is learning to accept his status as a demi-god and embracing Zeus as his father, which he rejects earlier in the film. Oddly, while the film presents the gods as very much real, we never meet a human visage for any of them. They move through the elements and speak through flesh and blood humans.

To be honest, this film represents a problem I see in attempts to bring myths to film in modern films. These films seem more influenced by movies than their original stories. The Legend of Hercules feels like a direct to video sequel, and it’s inspirations are all based in films. This is more of a Gladiator meets 300 (with a scene borrowed from the story of Sampson).

It is incredibly dependent on every action scene doing that “picture pauses mid action, but camera is still moving” effect. It happens repeatedly during pretty much every action scene. The end result is a loss of any real identity for the film, rather looking like a knockoff of better works.

Lutz’s Hercules is not a particularly exciting take on the character. Sure, he is impressively muscular, but that is about it. The story the filmmakers tell hardly echoes the rich history of the character. Sure, there is a bit where he fights a lion…

And mind you, it is not wrong to decide to tell an all new story…but then the new story will have to rise to meet the expectations set by the legend. And this film does not manage such a feat.

November 28, 2017 0