Roid Rage Part 4 (Kull the Conqueror, 1997)

Based on the popularity of Hercules the Legendary Journeys and Xena Warrior Princess, an attempt was made to revisit the worlds of Robert E. Howard. This time, it was another of his sword and sorcery heroes. Kull is a barbarian who blunders his way into the crown.

Really. He is trying to join an army, but the general mocks him, noting his army is comprised of men of noble blood and Kull is a mere barbarian. The General is called back to the castle because the King is slaughtering all his next of kin. Kull shows up, gets into a fight with the king, slaying him. As both the general and one of the King’s sons tries to claim the throne, the King gives them the finger and proclaims Kull King with his dying breath.

Rules are rules, and so Kull gets to live the good life. Meanwhile, this shady guy with a beast man assistant is resurrecting an ancient sorceress who happens to be the magically babelicious Tia Carrere. She plans to rule her kingdom again and seduces Kull. After she and her minion convince everyone Kull was poisoned by a member of his Harem, Kull is tossed into slavery, but he escapes. Then they go on a mission to get the magical power that can stop Carrere.

This is a pretty sub-par tale, even by fantasy standards. It is not pulpy fun, and in spite of being a theatrical release? It feels like a weak TV movie. And frankly, the appeal of Sorbo is kind of lost on me here.

Kull is a lifeless adaption of Howard’s work.

December 8, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 3 (Red Sonja, 1985)

This film is an example of not getting your ducks in a row. The producers wanted to capitalize on the success of Conan. They decided on Red Sonja, a warrior woman within the same universe. Well, sort of. Red Sonja as written by Howard was not set in the world of Conan at all. She was a swashbuckler in the 16th century. Roy Thomas introduced her in the Conan comics.

The producers convinced Arnold to return as Conan for what was supposed to be a glorified cameo, though, basically, he was tricked into a co-starring role. But here is where they also ran into problems. It turns out they did not have the rights to use Conan. So, instead, after a brief prologue getting us up to speed on Red Sonja’s past (her family was killed when she rejected the advances of the evil Queen Gedren, who also had Sonja raped by her soldiers) we see Not Conan. Now called Kalidor, he is on a mission, but keeps running into dead ends. His destination is a temple where Priestesses are preparing to destroy a Mcguffin called the Talisman. It is super powerful, so evil people want it, and the ceremony is interrupted by Queen Gedren.

One Priestess escapes and finds Not Conan. She is Red Sonja’s sister. Red Sonja has been training to be the Ultimate Warrior. And her trainer confirms she is officially the best. But she should really trust men better. This is one of those weird cartoon feminism things. It also is a little odd that she is only distrustful of men, considering it was the Queen that had her family killed. But whatever.

Red Sonja goes on a quest for vengeance after her sister dies, but also to, you know, destroy the Talisman. She is joined by Not Conan, a boy prince and his man servant, the Beast Rabban. The second two characters are more comic relief, which undermines any possible seriousness the film has. And Brigitte Nielson is not the most charismatic actress as Red Sonja. Which is a problem, as she has to carry the weight of the film. Add to that the fact that this is her film debut and it seems remarkably unfair to her.

Directed by the same man who directed Conan the Destroyer, Richard Fleischer, this film really lacks the excitement of the Conan Films. A lot of the action seems repetitive and kind of boring. Red Sonja has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity, but this film does her no service.

December 7, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 2 (Conan the Destroyer, 1984)

Conan the Barbarian was a decent size hit, so a sequel was put into motion. Conan and his narrator Akiro the wizard. They are joined by comic relief and thief Malak. The Queen Taramis calls upon the trio to join her guard Bombaata in escorting the virginal Princess Jehnna to retrieve a mystical gem. Her goal is to harness the power of Dagoth, god of dreams.

Along their journey they add the fierce warrior Zula. Grace Jones is a striking figure in this role.

The story is slightly more detailed than the previous film, with Conan being a bit more talkative, though still mostly relying his physically imposing presence. Wilt Chamberlain’s Bombaata is effective as a counter to Conan.

There are some moments that become almost comical that I suspect were not meant to be. One example is a sequence where a monster swings Conan by his ankles…and it looks hilariously goofy.

That said, I kind of enjoy this film a bit more than the first film. I think it is a bit more fun and the plot device is more interesting. The first film is another revenge plot, here, Conan is more of a Mad Max type of lead.

As an aside, I love that instead of calling the film Conan 2 or Conan the Barbarian II, they went with Conan the Destroyer. I wish more films would do that with pulp and comic book origins. Marvel has kind of started doing this (after missing opportunities like Invincible Iron Man). But I think it helps give this film it’s own identity.

There has been talk about a third Schwarzeneggar film, called King Conan, paying off on the final images of the first film. But I am not to hopeful after the recent attempt at reviving the franchise in film was not so successful.

December 6, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 1 (Conan the Barbarian, 1982)

Conan the Barbarian has conquered a lot of mediums. Books, comic books, television…but I think it is hardly an exaggeration to say that the Arnold Schwarzeneggar films heavily defined the public’s perception of the character.

As a young boy, Conan’s family is slaughtered by a snake cult led by Darth Vader’s voice. Thulsa Doom lets his men sell young Conan into slavery. Conan grows up to be super strong, going from slave to popular pit fighter. This affords him rewards. Eventually, he is free and goes to find Doom. He makes friends with the mystic Wizard and the beautiful warrior Valeria.

Conan’s world is full of magicians and demons. Thulsa can transform himself into a snake and commands his people to perform human sacrifices. There is not a lot of depth to this character, and really, the story does not call for it.

Robert E. Howard’s Conan was on the high end of the “noble savage” trope. This film aims more for the brute force savage. Granted, they try and make sure he has a sense of goodness. In one early scene, he is offered a nearly slave girl. His first action is to give her a blanket to cover herself.

This Conan is a man of few words. Even in the opening scenes with his parents, there is no real dialog. This may have been a bit of necessity, as Schwarzeneggar was very fresh to acting.

Conan the Barbarian is one of the better barbarian films of the early eighties and remains pretty entertaining.

December 5, 2017 0