Whatever Time’s the Charm?? (Terminator Dark Fate, 2019)

Terminator Genisys was intended to kick off an all new trilogy following the exploits of Sarah Conner, Kyle Reese and Pops trying to stop the new version of Skynet. Of course, Terminator Salvation was supposed to kick off a new trilogy following the war against the machines leading to Kyle Reese going back to save Sarah Conner. Which was a sort of continuation of Rise of the Machines.

Sort of. Each sequel starting with T2 tried a twist, though the twist became the trope. Arnold was moved from the “bad Terminator” to the “friendly Terminator”. This has never bothered my all that much, the way it was handled in each film usually worked okay.

And honestly, Pops was the thing I enjoyed most about Genisys. The failure of Genisys to revitalize the franchise left the series kind of lost. People got excited when there was talk of Cameron returning. And then they took the now popular strategy of making a sequel that ignores all but one or two of the earliest films. This time, they are picking up after T2: Judgement Day.

Sarah Conner tells us how she saved the world from Skynet, then the film reveals a shocking twist. We then are introduced to Grace who appears in Mexico, followed by the new Terminator, a Rev-9. He is in pursuit of Dani and Grace is there to protect her. They meet up with Sarah Conner and try to escape, ultimately reaching out to Carl, a Terminator who is displaced after the erasure of Skynet.

Carl is kind of an interesting character and honestly have no problem with it, as the second film established them capable of learning and adapting. I also, for the most part, like tough and bitter Sarah Conner, much like Jamie Lee Curtis’ updated Laurie Strode in 2018’s Halloween. I also liked McKenzie Davis as Grace and Natalia Reyes as Dani.

The Rev-9 feels a lot like a slightly advanced T-X from Rise of the Machines. A liquid metal coating over an exo-skeleton, except the two can work independently of each other.

The visual effects are solid and the action scenes are great. And yet, this is a Terminator film that kind of fundamentally betrays itself in a way the franchise really has not before. The big twist at the beginning has a major impact on the power of T2’s narrative. In a not good way. It undermines this film and raises some big questions that the film never clearly establishes. As an action film, this is a fun watch. As a Terminator film? It is not the fix that people were hoping for.

November 1, 2019 0

Get Arnold (Killing Gunther, 2017)

SNL Alumni Taran Killam wrote and directed this entry into the fake documentary genre. Killam plays Blake, a mid-level hitman who aspires to prove himself by taking out the infamous Gunther. Gunther is the hitman all other hitmen both admire and fear.

Blake believes he will cement his own status as a legend if he can kill Gunther. For help, he assembles a team of assassins and starts setting traps for Gunther. He has hired a documentary crew to follow he and his league of assassins. Of course, it becomes increasingly clear that these assassins are ill equipped for taking on Gunther and they start to make fatal errors.

As a comedy, the characters to to be made with quirkiness in mind. There are scenes where Blake gets frustrated by a barrage of questions from his tech guy, because they are interrupting his dramatic monologue. Bobby Moynahan plays the excited Donnie, whose gimmick is explosives. I would say that Aaron Yoo’s Yong is the most interesting assassin, as his gimmick is poisons. This actually leads to some comical situations where he finds himself largely ineffective in the mission.

But the film has one big problem. Who do you see on the posters? Whose name features most prominently in both the posters featured in this review? Arnold Schwarzeneggar. And boy, when he shows up? The film starts getting more fun. Know when he shows up? About the last twenty minutes of the film.

Fans of Schwarzeneggar will get impatient waiting for him to appear, and he shows up to late to save the film from the mediocrity that proceeds it. Killing Gunther is not terrible…but it just is not as entertaining as it could be in it’s road to the exciting stuff at the end.

January 17, 2018 0

Roid Rage Part 3 (Red Sonja, 1985)

This film is an example of not getting your ducks in a row. The producers wanted to capitalize on the success of Conan. They decided on Red Sonja, a warrior woman within the same universe. Well, sort of. Red Sonja as written by Howard was not set in the world of Conan at all. She was a swashbuckler in the 16th century. Roy Thomas introduced her in the Conan comics.

The producers convinced Arnold to return as Conan for what was supposed to be a glorified cameo, though, basically, he was tricked into a co-starring role. But here is where they also ran into problems. It turns out they did not have the rights to use Conan. So, instead, after a brief prologue getting us up to speed on Red Sonja’s past (her family was killed when she rejected the advances of the evil Queen Gedren, who also had Sonja raped by her soldiers) we see Not Conan. Now called Kalidor, he is on a mission, but keeps running into dead ends. His destination is a temple where Priestesses are preparing to destroy a Mcguffin called the Talisman. It is super powerful, so evil people want it, and the ceremony is interrupted by Queen Gedren.

One Priestess escapes and finds Not Conan. She is Red Sonja’s sister. Red Sonja has been training to be the Ultimate Warrior. And her trainer confirms she is officially the best. But she should really trust men better. This is one of those weird cartoon feminism things. It also is a little odd that she is only distrustful of men, considering it was the Queen that had her family killed. But whatever.

Red Sonja goes on a quest for vengeance after her sister dies, but also to, you know, destroy the Talisman. She is joined by Not Conan, a boy prince and his man servant, the Beast Rabban. The second two characters are more comic relief, which undermines any possible seriousness the film has. And Brigitte Nielson is not the most charismatic actress as Red Sonja. Which is a problem, as she has to carry the weight of the film. Add to that the fact that this is her film debut and it seems remarkably unfair to her.

Directed by the same man who directed Conan the Destroyer, Richard Fleischer, this film really lacks the excitement of the Conan Films. A lot of the action seems repetitive and kind of boring. Red Sonja has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity, but this film does her no service.

December 7, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 2 (Conan the Destroyer, 1984)

Conan the Barbarian was a decent size hit, so a sequel was put into motion. Conan and his narrator Akiro the wizard. They are joined by comic relief and thief Malak. The Queen Taramis calls upon the trio to join her guard Bombaata in escorting the virginal Princess Jehnna to retrieve a mystical gem. Her goal is to harness the power of Dagoth, god of dreams.

Along their journey they add the fierce warrior Zula. Grace Jones is a striking figure in this role.

The story is slightly more detailed than the previous film, with Conan being a bit more talkative, though still mostly relying his physically imposing presence. Wilt Chamberlain’s Bombaata is effective as a counter to Conan.

There are some moments that become almost comical that I suspect were not meant to be. One example is a sequence where a monster swings Conan by his ankles…and it looks hilariously goofy.

That said, I kind of enjoy this film a bit more than the first film. I think it is a bit more fun and the plot device is more interesting. The first film is another revenge plot, here, Conan is more of a Mad Max type of lead.

As an aside, I love that instead of calling the film Conan 2 or Conan the Barbarian II, they went with Conan the Destroyer. I wish more films would do that with pulp and comic book origins. Marvel has kind of started doing this (after missing opportunities like Invincible Iron Man). But I think it helps give this film it’s own identity.

There has been talk about a third Schwarzeneggar film, called King Conan, paying off on the final images of the first film. But I am not to hopeful after the recent attempt at reviving the franchise in film was not so successful.

December 6, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 1 (Conan the Barbarian, 1982)

Conan the Barbarian has conquered a lot of mediums. Books, comic books, television…but I think it is hardly an exaggeration to say that the Arnold Schwarzeneggar films heavily defined the public’s perception of the character.

As a young boy, Conan’s family is slaughtered by a snake cult led by Darth Vader’s voice. Thulsa Doom lets his men sell young Conan into slavery. Conan grows up to be super strong, going from slave to popular pit fighter. This affords him rewards. Eventually, he is free and goes to find Doom. He makes friends with the mystic Wizard and the beautiful warrior Valeria.

Conan’s world is full of magicians and demons. Thulsa can transform himself into a snake and commands his people to perform human sacrifices. There is not a lot of depth to this character, and really, the story does not call for it.

Robert E. Howard’s Conan was on the high end of the “noble savage” trope. This film aims more for the brute force savage. Granted, they try and make sure he has a sense of goodness. In one early scene, he is offered a nearly slave girl. His first action is to give her a blanket to cover herself.

This Conan is a man of few words. Even in the opening scenes with his parents, there is no real dialog. This may have been a bit of necessity, as Schwarzeneggar was very fresh to acting.

Conan the Barbarian is one of the better barbarian films of the early eighties and remains pretty entertaining.

December 5, 2017 0

A Father’s Love (Maggie, 2015)

First time film Director Henry Hobson offers up a film very different than one might expect from a guy who came out of the video game industry. Maggie is not a flashy film. It is a quiet tale of a family dealing with the fact that their daughter is becoming a zombie.

Set in a world where becoming a zombie is just an expected possibility in life, Maggie is focused on a young woman (Abigail Breslin) who is suffering from the early stages of, uh, “zombie-ism”. Her father Wade (Arnold Schwarzeneggar) and mother Caroline (Joely Richardson) are struggling to come to terms with what this means. Do they send their daughter off to Quarantine? Do they break the law and keep her until she is to far gone?

Wade struggles especially hard with the idea of what the future holds. He is continuously trying to keep Maggie connected to the living world, whenever she starts to be consumed by aggression and hunger.

You probably see Schwarzeneggar’s name and assume there must be at least one ridiculous fight scene…but Arnold really does well in this role of heartbroken father at a loss for how to help his daughter. He barely raises his voice. He is not an action hero barreling through this film. He is not a super hero. He is a good hearted and gentle guy. The connection between father and daughter is evident throughout the film…both of them knowing the path they are going down.

As I said, this is a quiet film, and moves at a fairly mellow pace. This is not a zombie apocalypse about the world falling apart. It would not be right to call it a horror movie. This is a father and daughter drama set within a zombie movie. Change Maggie’s situation to cancer and you have a heartbreaking family drama.

There are moments where the film seems to wander, but the overall film was effective as a slow burn drama. It will, not be for everyone, but if you have enjoyed a film like, say, Moon? This may be right up your alley.

July 13, 2015 0

It Begins Again…And Again And Again… (Terminator Genisys)

My short reaction to the newest Terminator film is that I did enjoy it. It had some good jokes, Arnold’s aged Terminator was a fun take, while feeling familiar. I thought Emilia Clarke did pretty well taking over for Linda Hamilton. Plus J.K. Simmons!

The cast is fun to watch, the effects are good. And hey, that twist might have felt more crazy cool had it not been revealed in a trailer a few months ago.

I liked the numerous visuals clearly referencing the previous films. Little moments meant to evoke the emotional beats of previous films. I was surprised that Arnold Aside, they simply recast characters from the first film. I expected digital trickery on that front.

That said, do not try and figure out how it all fits. Trying to do so reveals that the film is a real mess. Truthfully, this franchise is a mess made worse with each film. It does not fit, even though they clearly intend it to. There are some pretty big questions raised. One is, if Sarah and Kyle have sex and make a baby in 2017, it would simply be unlikely that it would result in John Conner.

The film feels like it was simply built from a series of sessions of people sitting around saying, “Wouldn’t this just blow the audiences’ minds?!” In a fashion, a lot of the stuff will, but not in a good way. Attempting to put it all together nearly gave Entertainment Weekly’s Darren Franich an aneurysm.

July 3, 2015 0