The Legend of Some Guy (The Legend of Hercules, 2014)

Years ago Queen Alcmene for her husband’s lust for power terrifying and pledged to Zeus to bear his son, with the purposes of ending the King’s reign. Their first born, Iphicles, grows up to be a selfish brat, jealous of his more loved younger brother. Hercules seems oblivious to his brother’s petty nature, even allowing him to publicly take credit for Hercules deeds. Hercules is happy as long as he has the love of the beautiful Princess Hebe. But one night, the King announces that she is to be married to Iphicles. Hercules and Hebe run away together, but are caught.

As punishment, Hercules is sent to Egypt with a regiment of the army. There, they are ambushed and only Hercules and General Sotiris survive. They are sold into slavery and end up fighting in gladiator combat. They use this to get back to Greece so he might save his beloved. But once they return, it becomes clear that he has a larger destiny.

Part of this is learning to accept his status as a demi-god and embracing Zeus as his father, which he rejects earlier in the film. Oddly, while the film presents the gods as very much real, we never meet a human visage for any of them. They move through the elements and speak through flesh and blood humans.

To be honest, this film represents a problem I see in attempts to bring myths to film in modern films. These films seem more influenced by movies than their original stories. The Legend of Hercules feels like a direct to video sequel, and it’s inspirations are all based in films. This is more of a Gladiator meets 300 (with a scene borrowed from the story of Sampson).

It is incredibly dependent on every action scene doing that “picture pauses mid action, but camera is still moving” effect. It happens repeatedly during pretty much every action scene. The end result is a loss of any real identity for the film, rather looking like a knockoff of better works.

Lutz’s Hercules is not a particularly exciting take on the character. Sure, he is impressively muscular, but that is about it. The story the filmmakers tell hardly echoes the rich history of the character. Sure, there is a bit where he fights a lion…

And mind you, it is not wrong to decide to tell an all new story…but then the new story will have to rise to meet the expectations set by the legend. And this film does not manage such a feat.

November 28, 2017 0

Superman and Zeus (Immortals, 2011)

Immortals begins with an ominous dream in which a man uses a mythic bow to free the Titans who were locked away by the gods. We are told how the gods defeated the titans, and in the midst of their battle the powerful Epirus Bow was lost. Now, eons later, the vicious King Hyperion seeks to find the bow and set free the Titans, allowing him to reign destruction across the earth.

A seaside village is under threat from Hyperion’s armies, hastened when a soldier betrays them. This results in Hyperion killing the mother of peasant Theseus. Unknown to anyone, including Theseus himself, he was trained as a warrior by Zeus himself (in the guise of an elderly man). Theseus is hopeless and enslaved, until Phaedra, the virgin oracle, seeks his help in escaping the grasp of Hyperion. Their mission becomes that of stopping Hyperion from freeing the Titans.

The gods of Olympus are not playing games here, and in a way the film kind of inverts the Clash of the Titans remake. Instead of the gods demanding the faith of men, here, Zeus implores the other gods to follow his lead and have faith in mankind. They have a rule against direct interference (Zeus’ loophole for helping Theseus was that he did not use his god state, but rather did his work in the form of a human). The other gods are more impatient, wanting to intervene directly.

The film does not hold very tightly to the myths of Theseus (the mythical founder of Athens). This is not to say those stories go unacknowledged. But they occur more as brief incidentals, or serve other purposes than the original tales.

Immortals is quite a visually stunning film. This is no surprise, coming from director Tarsem Singh, known for films like the Fall and the Cell. An aesthetic of beauty stands above practicality with wild armor and flowing robes filling the screen.

And while it uses a similar style to films like Zak Snyder’s 300, it feels very much like it is truly the vision of it’s director, rather than following in a popular style. The gods move in a unique way, with their golden armor creating motion trails, and while they are moving through fights quickly, their blows strike the targets in slow motion (simultaneously). And yet, the film ends up feeling more like eye-candy than a real story. Everything is so pretty to look at and yet, feels incredibly empty.

November 27, 2017 0

Boat Trip (Jason and the Argonauts, 1963)

King Aristo has been killed and his throne taken by Pelias. But it is revealed that there is a prophecy that one of Aristo’s sons (wearing one sandal) would bring the downfall of Pelias. But before Pelias strikes the child down, he is told that killing the infant will mean his own death.

Years later, a young man wearing a single sandal saves Pelias from drowning. The young man, named Jason explains (not realizing who he has saved) that he is undertaking a journey to find the legendary Golden Fleece to rally the citizens against Pelias. Seeing an opportunity, Pelias suggests this is a wise plan and encourages Jason, even offering him resources and a crew. Men come and compete to join Jason on his ship the Argos. Among the crew are Hercules and Acastus (son of Pelias and there to help hasten Jason’s death if necessary).

The film is full of trials and dangers. When the crew is dangerously low on any rations and out in the middle of the sea, Hera leads them to the Isle of Bronze. There, when Hercules disobeys a rule about only taking provisions, they face a giant murderous bronze warrior. In another sequence they seek the wisdom of a blind man who is cursed to be beset by Harpies who eat his food and leave him only scraps for every meal.

Jason has assistance from Hera, but Zeus has made a provision that she has only five opportunities to intervene for Jason when he asks it. Like the myths of old, Jason and other mortals are mere pieces of a game. The gods here are a bit more jovial than in the old stories, where their jealousies and lusts were powerful driving factors within their relationships to each other and man.

This film is full of grand visuals, from a giant Poseidon parting cliffs to allow the Argos to pass and a multitude of amazing monsters, such as the Hydra and the famous skeleton fight scene. Of course, the special effects are the work of the legendary wizard Ray Harryhausen.

My one criticism here is (and it is admittedly a big one) how the movie just kind of “ends”. The actual story is not resolved. Pelias is still king. I don’t know if there was an expectation that there was be a second film…but it makes it feel like an incomplete epic.

November 26, 2017 0

Manimal Part 3 (Beastmaster III: The Eye of Braxus, 1996)

So, this movie picks up with Dar continuing on his casually nomadic life. The evil Lord Agon is trying to gain the power of the demon Braxus. He is living off the life force of his community and needs the Eye of Braxus to complete the process and gain power and immortality.

Dar runs into a family seeking King Tal and conveniently for them, Tal is Dar’s brother. He brings the family to see his brother. Eventually, soldiers for Agon attack. They kidnap Tal in their attempt to get the Eye of Braxus.

Dar and Tal’s personal guard Seth (who was in the original film) set out to save Tal. Along the way, they team up with the beautiful blonde Shada and the sorceress Morgana.

Beastmaster III was actually part of the Universal Television Network of the mid 1990’s. But coming a year after Hercules and Xena, this film feels wholly sub-par.

Braxus, the big monster is pretty much Power Ranger levels in appearance. It looks…well, pretty terrible. It almost looks like it is an extra outfit from the comedy show Dinosaurs.

This is really too bad because the film’s cast includes Tony Todd and David Warner, both terrific character actors. Overall, this feels like a bad imitation of the Hercules and Xena model and nowhere near campy enough to work.

November 25, 2017 0

Manimal Part 2 (Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time, 1991)

Dar is off living as a nomad with only his animal companions. The evil Arklon is trying to take over their world. He is promised the ultimate weapon by the sorceress Lyranna. She brings him to a portal to another world. Just as they are planning to go through, a car, followed by two cop cars burst through. The first car is occupied a young woman named Jackie. She meets up with Dar, and is, obviously confused.

Eventually, they cross over to our world. This is actually where the film picks up. Dar’s fish out of water situation is pretty funny. He notes that the term rock and roll seems accurate, as it reminds him of an earthquake.

Outside of this, it is not all that memorable. There are some attempts to create epic connections between Dar and Arklon, but they end up coming off as rather silly. And again, the acting is all over the place. Sarah Douglas is pretty obviously enjoying hamming it up.

The film lacks much in the way of monsters. There is one, but it turns out to have a connection to Dar (everybody seems connected to Dar).

This is the only film directed by producer Sylvio Tabet, and it is kind of obvious why. A lot of the film is pretty pedestrian,

November 24, 2017 0

Manimal Part 1 (The Beastmaster, 1982)

The early eighties brought us a lot of sword and sorcery type films. Don Coscarelli followed up his crazy 1978 horror film Phantasm with this more straightforward (but still odd) fantasy film.

Evil wizard Maax is trying to avert a prophecy of his death at the hands of Zed’s, the king, son. Zed has declared he should be put to death upon learning he desires to sacrifice children to the god Ar. Using a servant witch, Dar is stolen from the womb and transferred to a cow. A local peasant happens upon the witch before she can sacrifice the newborn. Saving the child, he raises the boy as his own.

Dar is raised to be skilled with a sword and also discovers the ability to interact with animals via a psychic link. A group of barbarians ransacks his village, killing his family. Dar plans to seek revenge. On his way, he befriends several animals, including a couple of ferrets and a hawk. He finally saves a panther from the barbarians. After a struggle, he happens upon two slavegirls and is smitten by one named Kiri. He becomes determined to free her and end the cruelty of Maax and his cult of Ar.

The Beastmaster has achieved a minor cult status, in large part for being a huge staple of cable TV for much of the 80’s. A lot of the acting falls into…well…stiff (Tanya Roberts) or scenery chewing (Rip Torn). The effects are pretty good, with some unique looking monsters. There are some odd choices (the witches have the faces of monstrous hags, but the bodies of voluptuous models). On the other hand, there are some cool looking humanoid bat creatures.

This is a fun film, really, made memorable by the interaction of Dar and the various animal friends. While not great, it is pretty light-hearted entertainment.

November 23, 2017 0

Social Justice Warriors (Justice League, 2017)

When it comes to the movies? DC has been struggling to keep up with Marvel. Part of this is really that DC did not lay out a plan from the start. While Marvel Released films with an aim toward the Avengers, DC was trying to figure out where to start. The Nolan Batman films were a critical success, but also very much their own universe. When they made Green Lantern, most attempts to build a larger never made it out of the script.

There was talk for several years starting off the DC Movie Universe with a Justice League film to be be directed by George Miller. This never came to pass, and when Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan began their work on Man of Steel it was decided this could be the start. They did not do a ton, only lightly seeding references to a larger DC Cinematic Universe.

DC decided on following up Man of Steel not with Wonder Woman or Batman, but Batman V Superman. Like Man of Steel, the reaction was mixed. I am not a real big fan of either film, primarily because I feel like they are doing a rush job. The films try and tackle big notions….but they have not earned it. Suicide Squad followed (troubling that we are meeting villains before the connected heroes). I did not mind Suicide Squad, I found it generally entertaining…but not as solid as Deadpool (whose success they were clearly aiming for).

The DC Cinematic Universe was desperate for an outright hit. Luckily, Patty Jenkins and Gal Gadot delivered that with last summer’s Wonder Woman. And so, for me, I had a little bit of hope they might look at this success and decide to use it as a template to right the ship. Earlier this year, Zack Snyder announced he was stepping down for family reasons (His family was dealing with a tragic suicide of one of his children). It was announced that former Marvel architect Joss Whedon was brought in. Whedon punched up the film with new dialog and reshoots. And what is the end result?

Superman is still dead. The world is in chaos. Bruce Wayne is actively trying to bring a team together to protect the world from the larger threats. The threat here is from Steppenwolf…he came to earth once before in an attempt to destroy the planet, but was fought off by the Amazons, Atlanteans and human kind. His weapon, three items call Mother Boxes were split among the three groups and hidden away.

Batman also has a plan to bring Superman back, which Wonder Woman is uncomfortable with, but finally agrees to. And so, the team unites and takes on Steppenwolf.

So….is this redemption for DC? Is this the second most awesome DC Cinematic Universe flick? The answer is “Yes”. Buuuuuut….

Okay, so, the film opens with a nice little video, kids talking to Superman with there cell phone right after he has saved some people. And then we get Batman stopping a petty crook, except that it is a ruse to catch a creature called a para-demon. The thief asks Batman if things are getting worse because they know Superman is dead. This is followed by the film showing the world falling into despair, set to a haunted version of Leonard Cohen’s Everybody Knows. This is all quite nice.

We also get a rather fun action sequence with Wonder Woman stopping a terror group. This really is not a plot enhancing moment. It is just a lot of fun to watch. And the film has a lot of these. There is a lot of fun action moments. Ezra Miller and Jason Momoa clearly are having more fun than Ben Affleck. Barry Allen has the same backstory of the the TV show (Dad in prison for murder of mom)…this is fine of course. But it is not a storyline that really leads anywhere. I like the general characterization here though. Barry is awkward with people in part because how time feels for him. Admittedly, this is very similar to the comic book version of Marvel’s Quicksilver in which time moves so slow for him, he describes every minute of every day as being like waiting in line at the DMV. Except, instead of being a jerk, Barry just struggles to slow down his thinking enough to not sound like he has severe ADD.

Aquaman has always been a sore spot of a character for DC. He tends to get mocked endlessly for being able to “talk to fish”. Here the film compensates a bit by making him a tough and jovial guy. At one point he looks to Batman, smirks and says, “Dressed as a bat, I dig it.”

Cyborg is in kind of a thankless role. He fills in the technology blanks. Ray Fischer is really likable in the role. It just is that he feels like things just happen randomly to him. At one point, his suit takes over and starts shooting at the newly resurrected Superman. The idea that the mechanics are in control in such a fashion is interesting, but we do not really get an indication earlier that the mechanical part can go rogue, beyond it apparently making regular upgrades.

Gadot is spot on in her Wonder Woman boots. The character is again a high point. Digital mustache issues aside, Cavill is finally getting to be a Superman who likes himself. Superman seems to be more earthling than Kryptonian here. And this is something that corrects the previous two films. I understand the arguments about Superman and a connection for people who fall into the category of “Other”. But Superman’s other status in the films were relegated to him acting like a life he never had was more his identity than the planet on which he grew up. There are ways to portray the identity of “Other” without sacrificing important parts of the Superman mythos. In this film, he no longer speaks about “on my planet”. No, Earth is his home. Lois is his home. Martha Kent is his home.

The action is pretty solid. And the humor is there. The film has bright colors! So, why did I add a “buuuuuuuuut”?

At one point, Aquaman says to the Flash, “So you were struck by lightning?” Flash responds “Yeah, well that is the condensed version.” And that is how the movie feels. Apparently there was a mandate to keep the film at about two hours. And boy is that apparent.

So many scenes feel cut short, so many conversations feel truncated. At times, the film moves at “fan montage Youtube video” fast. We get brief glimpses of characters we want more of…and admittedly, Commissioner Gordon and Lois Lane will probably be far more prominent in the Batman and Superman follow-ups.

And then there is Steppenwolf. A rather uninteresting character. Remember Ronin from the first Guardians of the Galaxy? Steppenwolf has the same goal…but without the nuance. The film is incredibly unclear about why this is…but it also does not hint at the notion there is someone behind Steppenwolf. He is a remarkably boring villain. And when you compare unfavorable to a weaker Marvel movie villain? That has to hurt.

So, what we are left with is a film that is better than Man of Steel, Batman V Superman and Suicide Squad…but nowhere near as strong as Wonder Woman. But that said? I had a lot of fun watching Justice League.

November 19, 2017 0

The European Gods of Egypt (Gods of Egypt, 2016)

Okay, the title there is a little unfair. The cast is not all white or European. You have Chadwick Boseman and Elodie Yung for example. But still, our core heroes and central gods are pretty white. So, the title stays.

Set in a world where the gods are real and rule Egypt directly while walking among the people, Gods of Egypt is focused on young Bek and his beloved Zaya. While Zaya favors the gods and sees them as good, Bek is more skeptical.

On the day Osiris passes his crown to son Horus as the new king, Set betrays Osiris and kills him, stealing Horus’ eyes and casting him out of the temple. When Zaya is killed, Bek steals one of Horus’ eyes and seeks out Horus. He gives Horus the one eye and makes a deal to help Horus get revenge on Set in return for bringing Zaya back from the dead.

There is a race of time, as Zaya will soon have to pay tribute to enter the afterlife, and she has nothing to give. They enlist help from Hathor (goddess of love) and Thoth (god of wisdom). At a pivotal moment, it is revealed that it is not possible for Horus to uphold his end of the deal. From there on out, it becomes a struggle to defeat Set and his master plan.

Visionary director Alex Proyas returns after “Seven Years in Exile” for his Nick Cage vehicle Knowing. I confess to having a limited knowledge of Egyptian mythology, so casting aside, this all may be terribly accurate…but I am guessing that it is not the case. Nothing in the film feels terribly authentic (for example, the golden armor or the cosmic machines) and while the general design sense is kind of cool looking, there are things that just are awkward. The gods are slightly larger than the humans, and it just looks weird. The film tries to be more dramatic than it manages, and it’s big moments tend to fall flat.

Gods of Egypt simply never gels, and honestly, the visual highlights simply cannot save it.

November 14, 2017 0

Sea Monster Quest (Percy Jackson: The Sea of Monsters, 2013)

Sea of Monsters leaves behind a lot of the characters from the original. And several of the actors. Lerman, Daddario and Jackson are back. Replacing Pierce Brosnan in the role of centaur Chiron is Anthony Stewart Head (Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer). This is actually a decent fit, as Head is capable of both intensity and scholarly attitude.

Opening with the story of how four children were running to Camp Halfblood long ago, all but one making it. Thalia, daughter of Zeus sacrifices herself. Zeus causes her to grow into a tree that creates a barrier that protects the camp.

Decades later, Percy is a minor celebrity for saving Olympus, but he is facing competition from Ares’ daughter Clarisse. She has been racking up quest, while Percy has…well, he saved Olympus. Everyone is surprised by the arrival of Tyson, who claims to be a child of Poseidon. He is not, however, half human, rather he is half dryad, which results in him being a cyclops.

The camp is startled when a large mechanical bull breaks through the barrier and starts to tear up the camp. Percy and friends discover that the Thalia Tree has been poisoned. They decide it calls for a quest to find the Golden Fleece, which could heal the tree. Clarisse strikes out on her own, while Percy, Annabeth, Grover, and Tyson go on the run.

What they also find is that they are in competition with Luke yet again. This time, he seeks to resurrect his grandfather Kronos and bring about the destruction of the world. So, the stakes are not high or anything. The kids encounter sea monsters, cyclops and oracles as they seek to stop the end of the world.

There are some things that this film does better than the last. We only meet a couple of gods, but Stanley Tucci has droll fun with Mr. D (“D” for Dionysus). He is cursed by Zeus to be unable to consume wine (cause, he is, among other things, the god of wine making, so…ironic!). When he pours wine, it becomes water. He tells Chiron, “You know, the Christians have a guy who can do that in reverse. Now that’s a god!” This film suggests there are more than just the Greek Pantheon of Gods, but it is unclear how it all works out, and the film is unconcerned by it.

Nathan Fillion appears as Hermes in a rather fun performance that plays to his charms. The story’s updates to classical characters are far more effective this time around. The Gray sisters (prophetic witches who share a single eye), are reckless cab drivers. Polyphemus the cyclops…well, he is a cyclops. But he lives under an amusement park. And Hermes runs a UPS/Fed Ex style delivery service.

The film tries to build tension with Annabeth unable to trust Tyson because he is a cyclops. But Tyson is such a sweet kid, it is a hard sell. The film also tries to give a feel like everyone rallies behind Percy. And they do, but it is entirely unconvincing as to why Clarisse so quickly abandons her chip.

The cgi in the film ranges from middling to video game cut scene level.

Sea of Monsters is not a terrible follow up, and it does do some things better than the first. But what we have is something mildly enjoyable if you are bored one evening and usnure of what to do with your night.

November 13, 2017 0

It Runs In the Family (Percy Jackson & the Olympians: the Lightning Thief, 2010)

Studios are always on the hunt for their franchises. And Harry Potter had everyone convinced they knew the formula. And so 20th Century Fox brought in Chris Columbus, director of the first two Harry Potter films to adapt the Percy Jackson and the Olympians by young author Rick Riordan.

Percy Jackson has lived his life with his mother and a terrible step-father. His only solace is swimming and his friend Grover. He struggles with dyslexia and is easily distracted. One day on a school trip he makes a rather startling discovery. He is the son of Poseidon, the Greek God of the Sea. Grover turns out to be a satyr and his protector and takes Percy and his mother to a place where Percy will be safe. See, it turns out that everyone in Mythdom believes Percy has stolen Zeus’ lightning bolt. And so everyone is trying to get it from him to start a war.

A minotaur interferes with their attempt to reach Camp Halfblood. While Percy and Grover make it, his mother is taken by Hades. Along with Grover and Annabeth, the daughter of Athena, Percy goes on a quest to free his mother from Hades.

The film draws from various Greek stories, bringing Percy against the Hydra, Medusa, and the underworld. It is filled pretty richly with creatures of myths like Centaurs and furies.

The first two Harry Potter films were faithful to the source to the point of near detriments, but on the other hand the casting of the instructors was downright inspired. Now, I have not read the books, so I am not sure how closely the films follow their inspirations. But while the cast is good, there are really no…”That person now defines how I would see them in any incarnation”. Again, the cast is good. You have Sean Bean, Joe Pantoliano, Uma Thurman, Catherine Keener, Rosario Dawson, and Pierce Brosnan in your supporting cast. And really, Logan Lerman, Brandon T. Jackson and Alexandra Daddario connect well as a team.

A lot of the creature designs are pretty good. Some, are hampered by being very obvious digital monsters. And honestly, the film makes the same flaw in their choice for Medusa as the Clash of the Titans remake…she is to seductive looking.

However, there are some inspired moments, for example, the hydra begins as five men who combine into the beast.

The Lightning Thief has an interesting enough idea at it’s core that I did find the film to be fairly entertaining. Not a classic or must see, of course, but it is certainly passable light entertainment.

November 12, 2017 0