Nothing But Star Wars Episode Two (Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, 2002)

The Star Wars machine keeps plugging on. Episode one had a rather mixed reception, but it made money. It would have taken a catastrophic return to derail new trilogy.

The film would make a jump and start to try and “right the ship” so to speak. As much as Lucas tried to defend Jar Jar Binks, his role gets diminished greatly in both this and the next film.

And let us go back on our spoilerific journey!!!! Send in the clooooooones!

Picking up around ten years after the Phantom Menace, Amidala is now a Senator. This is, funny enough how they move Jar Jar out of the picture…he is a representative for Naboo. But anyways, after an attack on her ship as she arrives on Corsucant, the Jedi Council sends Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker to protect the Senator.

Anakin apparently still has his crush on Amidala, who is shocked to see Ani went from nine year old boy to a good looking teenager. They plan to stand guard in her apartment as they also try and determine how best to investigate the attempt on her life.

The investigation gets a boost though when a second attempt is made by letting to poisonous bugs into her bedroom. Artoo derails the attempt by alerting the Jedi. They pursue the shadowy killer through the skies of Corsucant (the skies are full with levels of traffic).

This leads to an exciting chase sequence with Anakin being incredibly reckless.

Really, it is a pretty enjoyable scene. It ends with them crash landing in a seedy part of town. They follow their target into a bar. It turns out she is a shape shifting bounty hunter. She starts to confess, only to be shot with a poison dart, dying almost instantly.

The Jedi Council formulate a new plan. Anakin will accompany Amidala undercover to a remote part of Naboo, while Obi Wan will focus on the investigation. Obi Wan starts by focusing on the dart. But he really cannot connect it to anything. He visits a friend who runs a dive restaurant who tells him that the dart belongs to the Cloners of Kamino.

This starts a new mystery, as Kamino does not appear in any star maps he can find. With Yoda’s help, he locates his destination. When he arrives, he is surprised to find that they were expecting a visit. Not from Obi Wan, but another Jedi Master who Kenobi reveals died several years before.

He discovers that the previous Jedi master had hired the Kimino people to create an army of Clones. He is introduced to Jango Fett, a bounty hunter who is the basis of the clone army. Jango had one requirement, and that was a clone untouched by the Cloner’s programming to raise as a son (can you see where this is going?). Lucas actually added actor Temuera Morrison’s voice as Stormtroopers and Boba Fett in the original trilogy.

There is a fight and Jango escapes with Boba, but Obi Wan follows them to the planet Geonosis. There, Obi Wan discovers the Separatist army, led by Count Dooku. Dooku is an ex-Jedi (and gets cool points because it is Christopher Lee).

Meanwhile, Anakin confesses feelings for Amidala. At first she pushes back due to her career and the Jedi rules against love and marriage. Anakin argues they can love, and follows the Jedi tradition of loopholes. But he becomes distracted by nightmares of his mother in trouble. He returns to Tatooine. He discovers that his mother was sold to the Lars family. However, rather than keep her as a slave she has married the farmer. She was kidnapped by Sandmen. Anakin locates the Sandmen village and discovers his dying mother. In a fit of rage, he slaughters all of the folks in the village.

As they ready to depart, they get a message from Obi Wan. Anakin and Amidala head off to Geonosis (taking C-3PO, who was with the Lars family, with them). When they arrive, they are instructed to wait, but Anakin gets impulsive and they enter a factory making a droid army. Elsewhere, the Galactic Senate gives approval to the Clone army.

Obi Wan has already been caught, but Anakin and Amidala are fighting their way through the factory, dodging the automated machines building droids. Instead of saving Obi Wan, they end up captured as well.

After getting caught, the three are brought into an arena to fight to their deaths against three very unique monsters. In the midst of this battle Amidala gets a totally implausible rip to her uniform…like, comically implausible. Just as it looks like the Separatists will when, the other Jedi arrive along with the Clone Army.

There is a big fight in the arena between the separatists and the Jedi and Count Dooku runs off. Everybody takes chase after he and the retreating droid separatists. Anakin and Obi Wan reach Dooku’s lair. Dooku manages to incapacitate Kenobi, but Anakin puts up more of a fight. Dooku manages to sever Anakin’s hand and get the high ground so to speak. Suddenly, before he can dispatch the two Jedi, Yoda walks in and they have the fight nobody knew they wanted.

Once Dooku realizes he probably won’t win this fight, he retreats to his ship and escapes to fight another day. The Clone Wars have begun. Anakin gets his robot hand and secretly marries Amidala.

The film ends one this note, with a rather weak cliffhanger. The Empire Strikes back ended on the note of the big reveal. Here there is no big reveal really. “Luke, I am your father” drives discussion and anticipation for the nextr installment. Here it is just…”Well, there is one more!”

So…about the whole romance. Amidala was about fourteen when she met Anakin. And generally I would not balk at a five year age difference. But as they are tied together by her time where he was just a cute kid…it seems like the intended romance might have been able to spring more organically had they started out more like a year or two apart (her sixteen and him fifteen or something). Christiensen and and Portman also lack any chemistry to sell the fast moving relationship. The relationship just feels so rushed it is hard to buy it ever happens. And again, had they been much closer in age in the Phantom Menace, the seeds could have been laid much more organically.

This film is really the first to make a big show about the Jedi rules forbidding marriage and attachments. Frankly, it is a dumb and terrible rule that calls into question the concept of the Jedi as an organization. How is not having attachments going to make you a better protector? But then, we have seen that the Jedi are pretty sketchy.

To a certain extent, I don’t see this concept as bad. The original films gave us only Obi Wan’s portrayal of the Jedi as noble Knights who fought oppression and stood for Justice in the galaxy. That the prequel films are revealing a far more political organization is not a problem…but how it pulls it off is leaving a lot to be desired. It is kind of dull, and in spite of their ineptness, it is pretty obvious we are supposed to be rooting for the Jedi.

Attack_of_the_Clones_arena_jedi — Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002) Directed by George Lucas Shown: Hayden Christensen (as Anakin Skywalker), Natalie Portman (as Senator Padmé Amidala), Samuel L. Jackson (as Mace Windu), Ewan McGregor (as Obi-Wan Kenobi)

The whole subplot with Boba Fett is really pointless. It is, in fact, one of the most pointless fan service moments of the franchise. Jango is killed, beheaded by Mace Windu in front of Boba. We see young Boba holding his father’s helmet to his face. And, this might have been a powerful image had Boba Fett been a major player who we saw a lot of in the original trilogy. But he has, like, three lines including a scream before he dies Between Empire and Return of the Jedi. This gives us no insight, and frankly, undermines part of what made him popular. He was mysterious. Things in Star Wars that needed no backstory? C-3PO and Boba Fett.

One thing that stands out is how lazy the world building is. In the original trilogy, things that paralleled our world still felt unique. When Obi Wan is offered an illicit substance, he refers to it as “Death Sticks”. I know there have been cigarette brands with ironic names like that…but really? Obi Wan’s friend with the diner? The diner looks just like a fifties diner. And they have drinks like “Jawa Juice”. It just feels like there was no effort put into this world.

In spite of my complaints, this is a step up from the Phantom Menace. We get some cool lightsaber duels, for one. Seeing Yoda in action turns out to be surprisingly fun.

Lastly, remember how I said Amidala gets an implausible rip in her outfit? A cat monster things takes a swipe at here…this is the result:

December 23, 2017 0

Nothing But Star Wars Episode One (Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, 1999)

As previously noted, people were pretty resigned to Star Wars remaining a trilogy of parts four through six. Then it was announced, Lucas had decided episodes one through three could finally be made. He stated that the technology had reached a point that he could truly make the stories he desired to tell.

The geek net was still in it’s infancy in a lot of ways, but it was set ablaze with rumors and claims of leaked scripts and insider knowledge.

A lot of those rumors turned out to be false…but in May of 1999 we got the long hoped for return to a galaxy far, far away…

And now, the standard warning of the spoilers…endless spoilers!

Opening in space (of course) we meet two Jedi Knights on an exciting diplomatic mission with a trade…federation…aw crap. Our Jedi are Qui-Gon Jin and a young Obi Wan Kenobi. Kenobi is a padawan, a Jedi-in-Training. As they wait for Trade Federation diplomats to enter, they are instead greeted with poison gas. They fight their way through droids to try and get to the bridge to confront the Trade Federation, but are forced to run. They hitch a ride on troop transports down to the planet of Naboo.

Knowing they must warn the government of Naboo, they try and find a way to the main city population. They run into a local, a giant amphibious creature who speaks with a weird variation of an Jamaican Accent (The Trade Federation is run by a guys with distinctly Asian Accents…this ends up being a recurring issue of accents that seem connected to negative traits) named Jar Jar Binks.

Jar Jar takes the Jedi to an underwater city with more of his race. There they find out Jar Jar was banished for being clumsy. Really. Qui-Gon convinces the Gungan leader Boss Nass (who looks suspiciously like Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard) to give them a ship and Jar Jar. The ship gets them to the capital, where they save Queen Amidala and a small band of her guards .

As they escape the planet the ship is damaged. They land on the planet Tatooine. While there, Qui-Gon, Padme (an attendant to the queen) and Jar Jar happen across a junk dealer and his boy slave, Anakin. Anakin makes an impression on Qui-Gon who he senses is strong in the force. Due to an impending sand storm, Anakin offers them shelter with he and his mother. The boy of about nine gets a crush on Padme while Qui-Gon questions his mother about their lineage. She notes that there was no father, but rather it was a spontaneous pregnancy. You know, like Jesus.

Meanwhile, on the Planet Corsucant, the Senate is debating how best to deal with the Naboo situation. Unknown to everyone, Senator Palpatine is pushing for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Velorum. He is manipulating people to nominate him as replacement. His motives are shrouded in darkness, but we know he is a Sith Lord and he has an agent, his apprentice Darth Maul.

Darth Maul is on the hunt for the missing Princess and Jedi. Qui-Gon makes a bet with the owner of Anakin for the parts needed to fix their ship. He also makes a side bet for Anakin’s freedom. The bet revolves around one of the film’s best sequences. Anakin is a pod racer and if he wins, Qui-Gon can take both the ship parts and Anakin with him.

The Pod race is a pretty thrilling sequence and plays like “space NASCAR”. The primary story purpose of this scene is to establish his piloting skills. This relates back to a New Hope when Ben explains that when he first met Anakin, he was an accomplished pilot. Phantom Menace kind of creates a problem, in that Anakin is a nine year old kid. There is not really any doubt when listening to the dialog in a New Hope Anakin would likely have been very late teens or even early twenties. But Lucas wanted to make a statement on meeting Vader as a boy.

Anakin wins his freedom and joins Qui-Gon and Padme on their ship. As they are leaving, Darth Maul appears and Qui-Gon has a lightsaber duel. Qui-Gon jumps onto the ship and leaves Maul behind. They arrive at Corsucant, where Qui-Gon warns of Maul and presents young Anakin, who he believes could be the fulfillment of a prophecy about the Force, to the Jedi Council. The Council is far more hesitant, believing that Anakin has lived to long without proper Jedi training.

This actually makes no sense when we look to what the series had presented us with. Beings gifted in the use of the Force have access to it regardless, would not trainig, no matter their age be good?

Admittedly, the Jedi Council seems to be a rather ineffective group. They often seem to want to take a hands off approach, showing that, maybe, the legend of the Jedi as magical and wise space knights may be…a bit fictitious.

Qui-Gon states he will take on Anakin’s training himself, in spite of already having a padawan. They take the Princess back to Naboo in a plan to fight back against the Trade Federation. They recruit the Gungan’s for the fight. They need to take out the space station of the Federation, which will render their battle droids useless. It is revealed that Padme is actually Princess Amidala and the girl we thought was the Princess was actually a decoy.

The Naboo pilots take back some ships and head out to destroy the main Trade Federation ship, while Anakin is told to stay put hiding in a ship. The ship conveniently goes to autopilot and takes him straight into battle.

Qui-Gon and Obi Wan are confronted by Darth Maul. During their fight, Maul impales Qui-Gon. Angrily, Kenobi charges in and manages to slice Maul in half. Meanwhile, R2 (who is co-piloting the ship Anakin is in) turns off auto-pilot. Anakin tries to get turned around, and in doing so, manages to blow up the command ship, disabling the droid on the planet surface.

Kenobi promises to train Anakin in accordance with Qui-Gon’s wishes. Then, there is an awards ceremony in a reflection of the end of Episode Four.

Honestly, of all the Star Wars films, I probably find this one the most frustrating. It introduces something call midichlorians. They are the microscopic sentient life forms in all bodies that indicate how perceptive one is to the force. This allowed there to be a scientific test. Qui-Gon explains that Anakin is “off the charts”. But truthfully, the original trilogy stayed firmly in the world of the Force being a form of mysticism. It seems weirder to have a scientific explanation, even as just an indicator. In spite of this film being the first mention, they do apparently date back to about 1977 in stuff Lucas wrote up for the expanded universe material.

Add to that, Lucas still uses mysticism like Prophecy. Ben never mentions any prophecy in the original films, though the extended universe was apparently full of them.

Anakin is made out to be a boy genius. Both C-3PO and R2-D2 are in the film, with R2 being introduced as a service droid on Amidala’s space ship. But 3PO is used to show how mechanically inclined Anakin is by revealing that 3PO was built by Anakin. This is one of those rather silly additions that does not have the intended effect.

Having Anakin blow up the Trade Federation ship purely by dumb luck is not a good choice, either. As noted earlier, Ben certainly suggests to Luke that Anakin was a gifted pilot. It diminishes Anakin to have him stumble into success as a kid. The idea, I suspect, was to sell just how powerfully Force Sensitive he was. It just makes him seem lucky. And this is really a simple solution. Had they cast Anakin as a young man, he parallels Luke. The idea that he is skilled as a pilot does not need as much proof. Anakin never needed to be a child prodigy.

The choice to kill Darth Maul is another stumble. Darth Maul, for one thing, has a terrific design. He is automatically imposing with his red skin and facial tattoos. He has a cool double lightsaber.

It would have been a much better plot device to play him up as the Darth Vader of the series. He is the big bad guy who makes it until the end…as Darth Sidious begins grooming Anakin he subtly plays them against each other. Finally, in the third film, Anakin and Maul are in a pitch battle. Anakin has him against the ropes and then, in a dramatic moment, Sidious startles Maul by commanding Anakin to kill him. In that moment, Maul realizes Anakin is going to replace him.

Another thing the film establishes is the Jedi Gear. In Return of the Jedi, Luke wears that slick black outfit. According to Lucas, this was proper Jedi attire. Ben wore the robes not because that was a Jedi outfit. He was hiding out as a desert hermit. The Phantom Menace, instead, establishes that he was just wearing his Jedi robes.

Frustratingly, with the Phantom Menace, there is not a ton that I find enjoyable. The Pod Racing scene is terrific stuff. It is an exciting roller coaster ride. And the lightsaber duel with Qui-Gon, Obi Wan and Darth Maul is great stuff as well. But the rest of the film feels like it was bogged down in fan service that never actually serves the story.

December 22, 2017 0