The European Gods of Egypt (Gods of Egypt, 2016)

Okay, the title there is a little unfair. The cast is not all white or European. You have Chadwick Boseman and Elodie Yung for example. But still, our core heroes and central gods are pretty white. So, the title stays.

Set in a world where the gods are real and rule Egypt directly while walking among the people, Gods of Egypt is focused on young Bek and his beloved Zaya. While Zaya favors the gods and sees them as good, Bek is more skeptical.

On the day Osiris passes his crown to son Horus as the new king, Set betrays Osiris and kills him, stealing Horus’ eyes and casting him out of the temple. When Zaya is killed, Bek steals one of Horus’ eyes and seeks out Horus. He gives Horus the one eye and makes a deal to help Horus get revenge on Set in return for bringing Zaya back from the dead.

There is a race of time, as Zaya will soon have to pay tribute to enter the afterlife, and she has nothing to give. They enlist help from Hathor (goddess of love) and Thoth (god of wisdom). At a pivotal moment, it is revealed that it is not possible for Horus to uphold his end of the deal. From there on out, it becomes a struggle to defeat Set and his master plan.

Visionary director Alex Proyas returns after “Seven Years in Exile” for his Nick Cage vehicle Knowing. I confess to having a limited knowledge of Egyptian mythology, so casting aside, this all may be terribly accurate…but I am guessing that it is not the case. Nothing in the film feels terribly authentic (for example, the golden armor or the cosmic machines) and while the general design sense is kind of cool looking, there are things that just are awkward. The gods are slightly larger than the humans, and it just looks weird. The film tries to be more dramatic than it manages, and it’s big moments tend to fall flat.

Gods of Egypt simply never gels, and honestly, the visual highlights simply cannot save it.

November 14, 2017 0

Yo Ho Ho! Let’s Try This Again (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, 2017)

Dead Men Tell No Tales comes six years on the heels of On Stranger Tides, and returns to the territory of the first three films. We meet a young boy named Henry. He takes a boat out to sea, ties a rock to his ankle and leaps into the sea. He is saved by the flying Dutchman. This is Henry, the son of Will and Elizabeth Turner. He tells his father he thinks he knows a way to undo the curse his father is under. However, Will sends Henry back. Several years later, Henry is on the hunt for Jack Sparrow to help him find the Trident of Poseidon.

In his travels, he meets the Ghost Captain Salazar who wants him to give Jack Sparrow a message for him. Salazar was cursed while trying to kill Sparrow and is now trapped as a ghost.

Henry does find Sparrow, and an accused witch who is also seeking the Trident. She is not a witch, but rather a very scientifically inclined young woman named Carina. It becomes a race against time as they search for the Trident, pursued by Salazar and the British.

As previously noted this film came out six years after On Stranger Tides and this film completely ignores the events of that fourth film. This is not to say they did not happen, but rather they bear no impact and feature none of the characters specific to that film. And they return things to the Turner family.

It feels like they anticipated this being a final film as it brings everything to a feeling of finality (in spite of a post credit scene that makes little sense in regards to the way the film ends). The film is packed with numerous action and escape sequences. There is a thrilling sequence involving ghost sharks. And the introduction of Jack Sparrow in this film is memorable and entertaining.

It takes awhile to get going, though the film is thankfully only about two hours, making it a lot more fun and less bloated than some of the previous installments. As always, the visuals are top notch. Salazar and his crew are crack and missing limbs and parts of their heads. There is a neat look where Salazar’s hair flows like he is underwater.

And the cast is quite good. The returning cast each get moments to shine and Javier Bardem appears to have had a lot of fun in his role as the angry and determined Salazar.

While not quite at the heights of the original film, this is still a fairly fun outing.

November 5, 2017 0

Yo Ho Ho! Let’s Restart! (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, 2011)

After a somewhat lackluster reaction to At World’s End (don’t get me wrong, it made money) the franchise went quiet. And it may be that it could have been just left at being a trilogy.

But Disney wanted to keep it going, and four years gave us On Stranger Tides. This time, they leave aside Will and Elizabeth Turner. Will is apparently off being the new Captain of the Flying Dutchman, content to visiting Elizabeth and their baby once every ten years.

Instead, our focus is now squarely on Jack Sparrow. This time around he discovers that someone is pretending to be him to gather a crew for a new quest.

He discovers it is Angelica, whom he took the virginity of on the night before she took her vows to be a nun. Angelica is also the daughter of the infamous Blackbeard. Their quest is for the Fountain of Youth. Blackbeard and Angelica are not alone in their desire to find the Fountain. King George and the Spaniards are both looking to find it for their own reasons. Everyone is seeking Jack because they believe Sparrow knows where to find it.

In the midst of this race, there are a lot of random crew, along with the regulars, such as Barbossa and Gibbs. We are introduced to Philip, a compassionate young missionary who is under the protection of Angelica. She still holds strong to the idea that God must be respected and is hoping to save her father’s soul.

As they get closer, they must capture a mermaid. The mermaid Syrena is kept in a glass coffin as they make their way to the Fountain. While most of the characters are indifferent to her pain and suffering, Philip is both drawn to her and overwhelmed with compassion. This sets up a nice moment where a mermaid’s tear is needed and Blackbeard finds they cannot extract it through torture. He notes Mermaids are “too cold for that”.

On Stranger Tides was intended to kick off a new trilogy, though it feels like a one-off story. It is pretty clear that this film was based on an outside source (a novel by Tim Powers), fitted into the existing film mythos.

That is not to say that it is totally close-ended. Much like the Curse of the Black Pearl, it simply ends at a point where you do not have a lot of dangling plot points. Well, except for the storyline of Philip and Syrena.

The overall story is pretty weak, the fountain of Youth is not really that interesting of a MacGuffin, and it is a bit unclear of how it works. The film makes mention that you get all a person’s years if you and that person drink from the fountain. Plus, the Spanish explorers have somewhat nebulous goals. I mean, apparently, they are trying to stop anyone from gaining access to its power. But who are they? So, while much of the film feels like a one-shot, there are random mysteries left hanging.

Overall the cast is strong. Ian McShane’s Blackbeard is primarily dependant on his performance. Which is a good one, but the character is pretty undefined. Does he have a mystical power? Unsure really. He collects other pirates ships and keeps them in bottles. Not sure how or why. And what exactly makes him more fearsome than other pirates.

Cruz holds her own with Depp in their playful and innuendo-laden banter.

The visuals are great, and that is pretty much par for the course in the film. There are plenty of great action sequences holding the film together. But ultimately, On Stranger Tides feels like a placeholder as Disney tries to determine what to do with a franchise, rather than a kickoff to an epic new trilogy.

November 4, 2017 0

Yo Ho Ho, It is OVER! (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, 2007)

Holy. Crap. THIS. MOVIE. IS. SO. LONG.

Like, super long. It is ten minutes shy of three hours.

Anyhoo, picking up where the last film left off, the Kraken ate Jack Sparrow and now Elizabeth Swann, Will Turner and Barbossa are trying to rally the troops to find and return Jack from Davey Jone’s locker so they can stop Davey Jones.

And this ends up taking over an hour. We see Sparrow in the afterlife and boy is he bored. And frankly? So was I. This sequence is just excruciatingly long. There are so many subplots, it just gets tiring and uninspired. I found myself constantly wondering about how much longer we had to go.

The films seem to want to position Jack as some magical key to the universe, rather than some lucky idiot. But really, the whole lunatic rockstar thing is wearing thin at this point. If you cut about an hour of the film or a little more, this might be a lean and fun adventure. Instead it makes the the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King look sleek.

Filmed back to back with Dead Man’s Chest, At World’s End tries be a massive epic, but it really only accomplishes feeling ridiculously bloated.

The visuals are quite good, as are the action scenes. But the road the story takes is so meandering as it is hard to not get bored through great portions of this film.

November 3, 2017 0

Yo Ho Ho! Let’s Go For a Ride (Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, 2003)

Disney was trying to find ways to tap various IPs (they did not yet own Marvel or Lucasfilm). They started to look to their theme park rides. And they tapped the director of the remake of the the Japanese Horror film the Ring. And hired Johnny Depp.

Young Will Turner was orphaned when a ship he was on (When he was much younger) was attacked by the pirates of the ship the Black Pearl. Turner is found with a gold coin that young Elizabeth Swann pockets when she finds him.

He is now an apprentice to a blacksmith, but as you would suspect longs for adventure. He is also has a crush on Swann, daughter of the governor.

Elizabeth has been involved with Captain Norrington, who proposes to her. Captain Jack Sparrow, a rock and roll pirate, arrives on a literally sinking ship. He is attempting to steal a new ship in a quest. But he gets captured when he sees Elizabeth fall into the sea and leaps in to save her. The gold coin she found years earlier has a surprise reaction when it touches the sea.

That night, the Black Pearl arrives and pillages the village, as well as kidnapping Elizabeth. The authorities do nothing, so Will teams with Sparrow to pursue the Pearl and Elizabeth.

Of course, being based on a ride, the filmmakers have a lot of room to do whatever they want. And so, Pirates of the Caribbean is equal parts adventure and fantasy. The pirates of the Black Pearl are not just pirates, they are ghost pirates! In the moonlight, they become skeletal monsters. Led by the immortal Captain Barbossa, they are seeking the missing coins of the treasure that cursed them many years ago.

This ends up making for a rollicking fun, full of wild stunts, sword fights and high seas action. While Orlando Bloom is a bit bland, the rest of the cast is extremely strong. Keira Knightly’s Elizabeth Swann is a spirited fighter, while Geoffrey Rush’s Barbossa is a despicable and duplicitous fiend. And while it is clear that Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann were meant to be the focus of the film, Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow pretty much steals the show.

It’s effects still largely hold up, which is a good thing, considering the film is very relient on their support. Curse of the Black Pearl is an absolutely fun surprise of a film. It does not take itself too seriously and has an enjoyable cast of characters.

November 1, 2017 0

The Original Haunted Palace Rebuilt (House on Haunted Hill, 1999)

1999’s remake of William Castle’s House on Haunted Hill began a series of remakes of mid to late 1950’s horror films. This one keeps the core idea. An eccentric rich man and his estranged wife throw a party, offering a million dollars to whomever lives through the night.

Stephen Price is an amusement park owner with a rather disturbed relationship with his devious wife Evelyn. She wants a party thrown in the restored Vannacutt Psychiatric Institute for the Criminally Insane. Years ago it was run by Dr. Vannacutt who performed ghoulish and cruel experiments. One night his patients revolted, violently killing the Dr and his staff. The Doctor’s last act was to set of a mechanism that locked down the entire facility and set it ablaze, killing all but five employees.

After dumping his wife’s party guest list for his own, Price does not notice the list changes yet again. When the guests arrive, both Stephen and Evelyn are shocked as they do not recognize them. Everyone is greeted by Pritchett, the nervous caretaker who tells everyone just how many people have died there. He wants his money and plans to leave. He refuses to stay in the asylum overnight. But he gets trapped with the confused guests: movie executive Sara, athlete Eddie, disgraced reporter Melissa and the Doctor Blackburn. Everyone has secrets and deceptions. When the planned horror get overtaken by the ghosts and demons of the fortress it becomes a battle for survival.

Geoffrey Rush does a great job as the Vincent Price inspired role of Price and his poisonous banter with with Famke Janssen’s Evelyn is every bit as biting as in the original film. This part is almost purely lifted from the original film, especially the dialog.

The changes from the original allow for surprises and while the heavy use of digital effects are somewhat dated, they do some creative things. The dark spirit that represents the house is made of human bodies intertwining to create a unique shape. Jeffrey Combs has no lines, but his diabolical doctor is effectively chilling.

The addition of the asylum backstory allows for a creepy vibe, as well as the updated addition of how the guests were selected. Chris Kattan is the primary comic relief, and I found his Pritchett to have a bit more vibrant of a personality than in the original.

The remake also manages to give the audience information a bit better than the original, relying on in story moments rather than talking heads. The film also opens with the asylum revolt, turning into an unsolved mysteries type of show (hosted by Peter Graves!) story about the devastation, which is very well done.

Overall, House On Haunted Hill is a pretty effective remake, both fun and exciting.

October 24, 2017 0

It Ain’t Easy Being Green (Green Lantern, 2011)

Two years before the Man of Steel, Warner Brothers had an opportunity to start building their cinematic universe. In simple ways, they could have started building. Hints of a bigger universe…start introducing characters who could cross the films. I have talked about the missed opportunity before.

The film introduces us first to the ancient evil Parallax trapped by the powerful Green Lantern Abin Sur. When some unfortunate astronauts stumble into his prison, he uses their fear to free himself and pursue Abin Sur. This results in Sur crash landing on earth and his magic ring seeking a worthy person. It chooses carefree pilot Hal Jordan. When he is dragged into space he is trained in the ways of Space Copping by Sinestro, Tomar-Re and Kilowog. Sinestro is dismissive of Jordan, thinking he is unworthy of being a part of the core. Tomar-Re and Kilowog are less certain. Hal returns to earth and tries to patch things up with Carol Ferris, a fellow pilot and daughter of the guy who owns Ferris Industries. Both are not noticing the changes occurring their friend Hector Hammond, who was infected by Parallax.

There is a final grand battle where Hal Jordan vanquishes Parallax into the sun all by himself. Note, Sinestro took a squadron of the finest Lanterns with him and they were all destroyed in seconds. The film also has a voice over from Tomar-Re declaring Hal the best Green Lantern ever! This is not a particularly good way to end the first film in a franchise. It clearly was not meant to be the only film in the series based on the end credits scene.

Characters appear that have no place and are used very poorly, such as Amanda Waller, who resembles he namesake not one bit. Using a universe ending villain in your first story pretty much means you have nowhere left to go. No other villain is going to feel like such a large threat after that.

Reynolds is rather charming, but ironically, he and Blake Lively have no onscreen chemistry in the film. The characters are bland, and how Hal uses the ring are not terrible imaginative (He makes a car! A jet plane! A Gatling Gun!). The effect are decent, but not really memorable. Maybe I hoped for better from the director of Casino Royal. But this film missed the mark on many levels and failed to take the opportunity to start building the franchise they wanted. Which I guess is all the better for Deadpool.

August 31, 2016 0