Roid Rage Part 5 (Conan the Barbarian, 2011)

After the attempt to (kind of) expand the Conan Universe with Red Sonja in 1985 fell short of expectations, the Conan Franchise went silent on the silver screen. While barbarians and fantasy seemed to have a fanbase on television throughout the 90’s, it was not until Game of Thrones that people seemed to feel like the genre of sword and sorcery could be revived.

Stepping into the loincloth of Conan was Game of Thrones star Jason Momoa. This film begins a bit more dramatically. We are treated to a narration by God (an uncredited Morgan Freeman). The film explains Conan was born of Battle and then makes this wholly literal, as his pregnant mother is fighting at her husbands side. Upon being mortally wounded, she commands her husband to cut the baby out so she can see him before she dies. So, it is a bit…over the top. Conan is raised by his father, the chieftain of a tribe dedicated to being powerful and wise warriors. But when their village is overrun by Khalar Zym who is hunting for a piece of a mystical artifact that Conan’s father has kept hidden, Conan and his father are tortured.

The movie then jumps ahead to a grown Conan living the lifestyle of adventurer. He finds himself drawn back into the fight to end the dark plans of Zym, who, along with his daughter Marique, seeks revenge on the world for the loss of his wife. They are seeking a pure blooded virgin for their special sacrifice. This turns out to be Tamara, whom Conan saves, forcing a battle of wills.

This Conan is a bit different from the Schwarzenegger version. Momoa is a leaner and more verbal Conan. This is actually more in line with Howard’s writings. The massive musculature we associate with the character was a development of Fantasy artists and the 1982 and 1984 films.

They are clearly trying to touch on all the versions of Conan. There are hints of the comics, the TV shows and films. Here Conan is a more skilled warrior. His father emphasizes the importance of the mind as a major component of the warrior.

Momoa is certainly entertaining as Conan. But the story is rather lackluster. Stephen Lang brings more to his role than seems to have been in the script. And Rose McGowan is fairly creepy as Marique.

Tamara is a problem for the film though. There is little for her to be, beyond a damsel in distress. She spends a good chunk of the final action tied up, and contributes little to the resolution of the film.

Conan the Barbarian is uneven, and this results in a lot of it just not keeping one’s attention. We are left with a rather average film, rather than an epic barbarian adventure.

December 9, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 3 (Red Sonja, 1985)

This film is an example of not getting your ducks in a row. The producers wanted to capitalize on the success of Conan. They decided on Red Sonja, a warrior woman within the same universe. Well, sort of. Red Sonja as written by Howard was not set in the world of Conan at all. She was a swashbuckler in the 16th century. Roy Thomas introduced her in the Conan comics.

The producers convinced Arnold to return as Conan for what was supposed to be a glorified cameo, though, basically, he was tricked into a co-starring role. But here is where they also ran into problems. It turns out they did not have the rights to use Conan. So, instead, after a brief prologue getting us up to speed on Red Sonja’s past (her family was killed when she rejected the advances of the evil Queen Gedren, who also had Sonja raped by her soldiers) we see Not Conan. Now called Kalidor, he is on a mission, but keeps running into dead ends. His destination is a temple where Priestesses are preparing to destroy a Mcguffin called the Talisman. It is super powerful, so evil people want it, and the ceremony is interrupted by Queen Gedren.

One Priestess escapes and finds Not Conan. She is Red Sonja’s sister. Red Sonja has been training to be the Ultimate Warrior. And her trainer confirms she is officially the best. But she should really trust men better. This is one of those weird cartoon feminism things. It also is a little odd that she is only distrustful of men, considering it was the Queen that had her family killed. But whatever.

Red Sonja goes on a quest for vengeance after her sister dies, but also to, you know, destroy the Talisman. She is joined by Not Conan, a boy prince and his man servant, the Beast Rabban. The second two characters are more comic relief, which undermines any possible seriousness the film has. And Brigitte Nielson is not the most charismatic actress as Red Sonja. Which is a problem, as she has to carry the weight of the film. Add to that the fact that this is her film debut and it seems remarkably unfair to her.

Directed by the same man who directed Conan the Destroyer, Richard Fleischer, this film really lacks the excitement of the Conan Films. A lot of the action seems repetitive and kind of boring. Red Sonja has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity, but this film does her no service.

December 7, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 2 (Conan the Destroyer, 1984)

Conan the Barbarian was a decent size hit, so a sequel was put into motion. Conan and his narrator Akiro the wizard. They are joined by comic relief and thief Malak. The Queen Taramis calls upon the trio to join her guard Bombaata in escorting the virginal Princess Jehnna to retrieve a mystical gem. Her goal is to harness the power of Dagoth, god of dreams.

Along their journey they add the fierce warrior Zula. Grace Jones is a striking figure in this role.

The story is slightly more detailed than the previous film, with Conan being a bit more talkative, though still mostly relying his physically imposing presence. Wilt Chamberlain’s Bombaata is effective as a counter to Conan.

There are some moments that become almost comical that I suspect were not meant to be. One example is a sequence where a monster swings Conan by his ankles…and it looks hilariously goofy.

That said, I kind of enjoy this film a bit more than the first film. I think it is a bit more fun and the plot device is more interesting. The first film is another revenge plot, here, Conan is more of a Mad Max type of lead.

As an aside, I love that instead of calling the film Conan 2 or Conan the Barbarian II, they went with Conan the Destroyer. I wish more films would do that with pulp and comic book origins. Marvel has kind of started doing this (after missing opportunities like Invincible Iron Man). But I think it helps give this film it’s own identity.

There has been talk about a third Schwarzeneggar film, called King Conan, paying off on the final images of the first film. But I am not to hopeful after the recent attempt at reviving the franchise in film was not so successful.

December 6, 2017 0

Roid Rage Part 1 (Conan the Barbarian, 1982)

Conan the Barbarian has conquered a lot of mediums. Books, comic books, television…but I think it is hardly an exaggeration to say that the Arnold Schwarzeneggar films heavily defined the public’s perception of the character.

As a young boy, Conan’s family is slaughtered by a snake cult led by Darth Vader’s voice. Thulsa Doom lets his men sell young Conan into slavery. Conan grows up to be super strong, going from slave to popular pit fighter. This affords him rewards. Eventually, he is free and goes to find Doom. He makes friends with the mystic Wizard and the beautiful warrior Valeria.

Conan’s world is full of magicians and demons. Thulsa can transform himself into a snake and commands his people to perform human sacrifices. There is not a lot of depth to this character, and really, the story does not call for it.

Robert E. Howard’s Conan was on the high end of the “noble savage” trope. This film aims more for the brute force savage. Granted, they try and make sure he has a sense of goodness. In one early scene, he is offered a nearly slave girl. His first action is to give her a blanket to cover herself.

This Conan is a man of few words. Even in the opening scenes with his parents, there is no real dialog. This may have been a bit of necessity, as Schwarzeneggar was very fresh to acting.

Conan the Barbarian is one of the better barbarian films of the early eighties and remains pretty entertaining.

December 5, 2017 0