Inner Conflict (The Hidden, 1987)

Detective Tom Beck has a head scratcher of a case. He is investigating a man who, up until a week prior had been a law abiding citizen. One day Jack DeVries just up started killing people, stealing cars, robbing banks and listening to heavy metal.

After taking the guy down, an FBI Agent named Lloyd Gallagher shows up to work with Beck. Gallagher seems to have other motives, suggesting there is something bigger at work…or at least that having DeVries in the hospital is not the end of the case.

The audience quickly learns the cause of DeVries’ behavior is an alien bug that can move from body to body. When he is in a body, it can withstand a barrage of bullets before having to find a new host. And this is where the problem lies, Gallagher can only destroy the alien when it is moving between bodies. His weapon cannot penetrate human flesh.

The two cops try and catch the alien, constantly a step behind. The film revels in it’s crazy concept, with car chases and bloody gun fights. The evil alien is a selfish and hedonistic teenager. He takes whatever he wants, and mainly what he wants is money, cars and power.

MacLachlan plays his role completely straight. He is the awkwardly out of place alien trying to fit in. There is a touching scene where he meets Beck’s daughter, and she seems to realize there is something different about him.

The Hidden is not a sci-fi classic, but it is a pretty good bit of fun trashy eighties excess.

January 24, 2018 0

Fishies Pt 5 (Piranha 3DD, 2012)

The surprise success of Piranha 3D (which has a 73% Fresh Rating) resulted in another 3-D sequel. Apparently the takeaway for this film’s “creative team” from the previous film’s success was boobs. The title, Piranha 3DD? The posters? The plot?

The story centers around a water park run by David Koechner’s Chet and the return of his step daughter Maddy (Danielle Panabaker, the Flash). Maddy’s mother has died and Chet is a classy guy introducing an adult section to the Water Park. Maddy is appalled, but also happy to be back to see her friends.

The prehistoric fish are back, having escaped into a water supply, ultimately reaching the lake by the water park. There are corrupt cops (Maddy’s boyfriend, because…oh who cares) working with Chet to turn a blind eye to his cost cutting ways. The fish get into the park’s water system, eat people and cause carnage.

This film is gleefully trashy, yet manages to miss the mark entirely. The jokes are a bit more mean spirited and the characters are, at best, not terribly interesting to to watch. At worst, they are pretty unlikable. Keochner’s Chet is unlikable, but that is typical for characters he plays. So, as opposed to other unlikable characters, he is hilarious in his unlikable nature.

The film just falls apart and the plot becomes lost very quickly. The cameos are, mostly, not clever. Other than David Hasselhoff, the cameos have no real connection to water based horror. I mean, Hasselhoff is part of water themed horror. But Gary Busey?

Along with Koechner, there are some other bright spots. Paul Scheer and Ving Rhames return, in spite of it appearing both died in the last film. To be fair, Scheer literally disappears from the movie. He and Rhames have come to the park to challenge their fear of water (apparently the piranha attack in Lake Victoria was traumatic…babies). When the Piranhas show up, Rhames reveals his fake legs are also shotguns. Oddly, Rhames does not appear in the credits. David Hasselhoff is amusing portraying himself as a rather detached and delusional star. And Christopher Lloyd makes a reappearance as entertaining as the previous film. But it is a pretty short scene.

But this film stumbles in trying to outdo the gore and nudity of the previous film. It makes Aja’s film to look like art. Heck, the closing credits take forever, because they are filled with “gags” and “bloopers”. This film fails while trying to imitate it’s predecessor. Remember that Piranha 3D Rotten Tomatoes rating of 73%? 3DD is at 4%…and deservedly so.

October 29, 2016 0

I Try To Not Think About Death Much (Return of the Living Dead, 1985)

In 1986, Alien Screenwriter Dan O’Bannon made a deal to direct (he had directed a short film seventeen years earlier) a film. He was to make an unofficial sequel of sorts to Night of the Living Dead.

An effects heavy zombie film, the big twist of the Return of the Living Dead is it is a comedy. A gory one, but a comedy none the less. We are quickly introduced to Frank and Freddy, employees of a medical supply company. After Burt (the boss) leaves for the weekend, Frank starts to show Freddy around, skeletons, half dogs and cadavers and the like. He also tells Freddy that they have some canisters with real zombies (and proceeds to proclaim the Night of the Living Dead was a real thing, just altered for the film). They look at the canisters and accidentally release an ominous gas. When they wake up, they find all the dead things seeming to be alive. This leads to some hilarity as they call Burt in and the three try and fix the problem.

Meanwhile, Freddy’s girlfriend Tina is hanging out with her friends (a bunch of punks) in a graveyard waiting for Freddy to get done with work. This includes a bizarre moment Trash (Scream Queen Linnea Quigley), obsessed with death starts expressing a fantasy of being eaten alive (foreshadowing, folks)…she then strips and dances upon a tombstone. Burt, Frank and Freddy go across the street with a cut up cadaver and check in with mortician Ernie. They ask to use the crematorium to dispose of rabid weasels. But as the body burns, it creates more ominous smoke which causes a storm and in turn the rain soaks the ground, re-animating the graveyard.

What follows is the characters trying to survive the hoards of zombies. Everyone gets trapped in the mortuary or the medical supply warehouse. The film finds a lot of humor in it’s gruesome subject. Thom Mathews (Freddy) and James Karen (Frank) have a great rapport and are very entertaining as the two discover they are slowly turning into zombies. Really, the entire cast is entertaining. Along with Mathews and Karen, Clu Gulager (Burt) and Don Calfa (Ernie…get it?) are very funny. It helps that everyone seems to be in on the joke, leading to fun performances.

The effects are terrific, still holding up for the most part. There is one especially well done zombie effect with a “half” zombie. Another memorable character is the Tar Man…a slimy decomposing zombie. The actor in the outfit moves with a creepy fluidity. The film actually pays little attention to traditional film zombie lore. They cannot be killed by damaging the brain, even cutting them up, the zombie parts all act independently. The zombies can also talk. This is one of the first incidents of zombies being focused on eating brains (In Romero’s films, they just want to eat flesh). And they constantly announce “Brains!” But they can form sentences. One zombie even explains why they desire to eat brains.

Oh, there are some question to ask…for example, why, after being eaten alive, is Zombie Linnea Quigley have not a single bite…instead she has perfect porcelain skin. How can the zombies with no lips (some zombies do, some don’t) say stuff like “Brains” and “More Brains”?

Shout!Factory released a Blu-Ray special edition through their Scream!Factory imprint. It is loaded with special features. There are four audio commentaries (two are brand new), zombie subtitles (which is an amusing feature for a short time, featuring subtitles like “Arggh” whenever zombies speak), an extensive documentary “More Brains: Return to the Living Dead”, a final interview with the late O’Bannon and many more features.

The picture (from a 2K scan) is clean and looks good. The two disc set is worthy of any fan’s collection.

October 5, 2016 0

Every Town Has an Elm Street Part 2 (A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 1985)

Okay, from here on out, spoilers fly with no regards as to whether you have seen the movies or not. These will mostly be…well, not so much reviews, as observations. And probably more than a bit snarky.

So, Nightmare On Elm Street was a huge hit. Not all that surprisingly, New Line rushed out a sequel. A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2:Freddy’s Revenge. Revenge on who? Don’t really know. It is not Nancy, because she is not in this one. Luckily for the story, her diary is though. When young Jesse’s (Mark Patton) family moves into Nancy’s old house, he starts getting tormented by horrific dreams involving Freddy.

Turns out Freddy has a plan, and that plan includes using Mark to maybe kill people. Like his creepy leather loving gym teacher. But Mark, see, he is a good kid. Oh, a little wimpy. And his parakeet is prone to bursting into flames. But Mark doesn’t want to help Freddy. Instead he just wants to hang out with his friends and meet girls. He starts to hang out with Lisa (Kim Myers), and spends much of the film struggling with his teachers and parents (Clu Gulager and Hope Lang), because frankly, Parents (and teachers) just do not get what it is like to be a teenager haunted by the death of a child killer. By the way, in life Freddy killed little kids, why did he switch to teens after death? Anyways, Freddy is using Jesse to try and get back into the real world. His friend Grady laughs it all off, but thankfully; new girlfriend Lisa takes him seriously.

When you get right down to it, this film is a real mess that makes almost no sense at all in the context of the other sequels. For example, the film establishes Freddy’s boiler room is in the factory he used to work at. This factory never comes up in later sequels. This is the only film where Freddy is trying to break out and live in the real world, a motive he lacks in other all other incarnations, which makes sense; he is more powerful in the dream world. It also does not help the film that, as a lead, Jesse is pretty unsympathetic. At best he is whiny and annoying, which is not good for your protagonist. I am not sure if the main problem lies with the actor or the script. Though, one wonders how different the film would have been if Jesse were played by Christian Slater or Brad Pitt (both auditioned). Craven avoided the sequel partly because he did not, actually, intend to create a Franchise with Elm Street and also because he felt they were going to far astray of his original concept, especially with having Freddy make Jesse kill people. And it shows. This film just feels entirely out of place in the series.

It is interesting that the least loved* of the films has a central lead that is male. The strongest films of the series feature female protagonists. As I noted, Jesse is not a sympathetic character, and honestly comes across as very weak and easy to manipulate.

But in the end, what makes it really stand out? Basically, this is the most homo-erotic horror film ever. In fact, comically so. I don’t mean this in a denigrating way towards the gay community, or even homo-eroticism in films. But in the Elm Street series, it just feels…well, out of place, mainly because the film plays everything straight. It is not like it is a wink and a nudge. I am not even sure that they realized at the time (Jack Sholder, the director states they did not, however, he sees it now). And it is this unintentional aspect just makes it oddly humorous. I mean you have lines like, “Something is trying to get inside of me” and “He’s inside me… and he wants to take me again!” You just cannot miss the subtext. And we all know unintended subtext is comedic gold, people.

When it comes down to it, this is a terrible film, not worth watching on your own. However, it is a hysterical comedy when watched with a group of friends.

*Oddly, for as much as it is derided, it is one of the highest grossing of the series.

October 1, 2015 0