Fishies Pt 5 (Piranha 3DD, 2012)

The surprise success of Piranha 3D (which has a 73% Fresh Rating) resulted in another 3-D sequel. Apparently the takeaway for this film’s “creative team” from the previous film’s success was boobs. The title, Piranha 3DD? The posters? The plot?

The story centers around a water park run by David Koechner’s Chet and the return of his step daughter Maddy (Danielle Panabaker, the Flash). Maddy’s mother has died and Chet is a classy guy introducing an adult section to the Water Park. Maddy is appalled, but also happy to be back to see her friends.

The prehistoric fish are back, having escaped into a water supply, ultimately reaching the lake by the water park. There are corrupt cops (Maddy’s boyfriend, because…oh who cares) working with Chet to turn a blind eye to his cost cutting ways. The fish get into the park’s water system, eat people and cause carnage.

This film is gleefully trashy, yet manages to miss the mark entirely. The jokes are a bit more mean spirited and the characters are, at best, not terribly interesting to to watch. At worst, they are pretty unlikable. Keochner’s Chet is unlikable, but that is typical for characters he plays. So, as opposed to other unlikable characters, he is hilarious in his unlikable nature.

The film just falls apart and the plot becomes lost very quickly. The cameos are, mostly, not clever. Other than David Hasselhoff, the cameos have no real connection to water based horror. I mean, Hasselhoff is part of water themed horror. But Gary Busey?

Along with Koechner, there are some other bright spots. Paul Scheer and Ving Rhames return, in spite of it appearing both died in the last film. To be fair, Scheer literally disappears from the movie. He and Rhames have come to the park to challenge their fear of water (apparently the piranha attack in Lake Victoria was traumatic…babies). When the Piranhas show up, Rhames reveals his fake legs are also shotguns. Oddly, Rhames does not appear in the credits. David Hasselhoff is amusing portraying himself as a rather detached and delusional star. And Christopher Lloyd makes a reappearance as entertaining as the previous film. But it is a pretty short scene.

But this film stumbles in trying to outdo the gore and nudity of the previous film. It makes Aja’s film to look like art. Heck, the closing credits take forever, because they are filled with “gags” and “bloopers”. This film fails while trying to imitate it’s predecessor. Remember that Piranha 3D Rotten Tomatoes rating of 73%? 3DD is at 4%…and deservedly so.

October 29, 2016 0

Fishies Pt 4 (Piranha 3D, 2010)

It is spring break in Lake Victoria and the kids are hear to party…get drunk, flash people, have sex…you know regular spring breakin’. The local sheriff (Elizabeth Shue)is trying to keep things in control, and needs her son Jake (Steven R. McQueen) to watch his younger brother and sister. Except he has been hired by Derrick (Jerry O’Connell) to take him and his crew around to the best Spring Break Locations. Derrick runs a website called Wild Wild Girls* and wants to take advantage of the crowds at Lake Victoria. Jake schemes, leaving his sibling home alone so he can hang out with Derrick and his group (including two Wild Wild Girls). Unexpectedly, the girl he has a crush on, Kelly, gets brought on to the boat.

A research team headed by Novak (Parks and Rec’s Adam Scott) arrives to investigate a recent earthquake. With the help of the Sheriff, they discover the earthquake opened an underground lake and has freed carnivorous fish. And then the race is on to find the fish and stop them.

Of course, you know they will not succeed and spring break is an all you can eat buffet. The fish work their way through the winding lake until they get to gorge themselves on swimmers. In spite of not being shown for critics, the critics were pretty generous with this film.

The reason is, the film does not take itself seriously. It is gleefully trashy and has fun with that. There is no message about ecology or anything. It is just about big and hungry fish. And people in swimsuits. The big sequence is a ridiculously over the top gore sequences as the Sheriff and Novak work alongside the deputies trying to save the Spring Breakers. The effects are largely very good (though some digital moments are pretty obvious) and the film is carnage candy.

The movie has a very firm tongue in cheek attitude. This is shown in it’s cameos, which are pitch perfect. Eli Roth is an obnoxious Wet T-Shirt Contest Host. Christopher Lloyd is a Doc Brown styled ichthyologist and the film opens Richard Dreyfuss slyly portraying his Matt Hooper character from Jaws.

The performances are really fun. Ving Rhames is enjoyable Shue’s right hand man Deputy Fallon. Paul Sheer is a goofy crony of of Derrick’s. And Derrick? O’Connell has one of the best lines of the entire film. He plays Joe Franc-uh Derrick with no fear of the edge of the ledge. I am a big fan of Adam Scott, and he is a lot of fun…it is kind of like he is playing a Action Ben Wyatt. Kelly Brook’s performance is no major star turn, but her character Danni is likeable and seems keen on getting Jake and Kelly together as a couple. Jessica Szohr is a lot of fun as Kelly, who is the kind of person to step up to the plate when challenged and when it is suggested she is maybe a bit uptight, shows Jake she is more than willing to cut loose. Probably the supporting cast member to get the short end of the stick is Crystal, played by Riley Steel. She has very little personality and pretty much is there to look good in a bikini.

This film should fall squarely into terrible, yet it has a lot of personality and makes for a real fun “Guilty Pleasure” movie.

*Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis wrote an angry letter to the producers and Jerry O’Connell repeatedly said he was playing Francis…upon threat of a lawsuit, O’Connell changed it to “For Legal reasons I play someone loosely based on Joe Francis”.

October 28, 2016 0

Let’s Visit Texas Part 2 (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, 1986)

the_texas_chainsaw_massacre_part_2_poster — Don’t You, Forget About Me…

Cannon Films got the rights to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and immediately set to get Hooper to make a sequel. Except, Hooper was not really interested in a sequel. He agreed to be a producer, but only after they found they could not afford a director, did Hooper agree to direct.

While the studio expected a straight up horror film, Hooper had something else in mind. A gory and dark comedy. This is even evident in their poster, which mimics the Breakfast Club poster.

Two guys harass radio DJ Stretch (Caroline Williams), only to find themselves attacked and killed by Leatherface and his clan. This is a pretty memorable scene, in part due to the obnoxious preppy guys and their demise. Stretch starts to rebroadcast to solve the crime.

Meanwhile, the crime is also being investigate by Lefty (Dennis Hopper)…Lefty has been on the trail of the Sawyer family for over a decade, as they killed his nephew Franklin and nearly killed niece Sally. Leatherface and Chop Top (a family member who was in Vietnam during the first film) show up to the radio station looking for Stretch. She convinces Leatherface to let her live, rushing off with Chop Top. She follows them to their new home (they are hiding out in below what appears to be a the remains of a theme park). Soon Lefty shows up as well. This results in a big chainsaw fight between Lefty and the family.

The film’s final scene mimics the original film’s final moments, but reverses them. The film also is where the cannibalism aspect comes in. The family has an award winning chili recipe (hint, the special ingredient is people meat) that they take around Texas.

The cast here is a lot of fun. Hopper is over the top as Lefty and his Chainsaw battle is downright hilarious. William’s handles being both the terrified victim, yet also is smart enough to find ways to survive. Bill Mosely is great as the absurd Chop Top, the weird hippie of the family. Bill JohnsonThe make-up effects and set design are beautifully theatrical.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was not well received, but it’s become a cult classic, and deservedly so. It is entertaining, even though it is not a scary film by any means. Horror fans should not miss this clever skewering of Horror sequel tropes.

October 26, 2016 1

Modern Vampires (Lost Boys: The Thirst, 2010)

In spite of the critical failure of the Tribe*, somebody wanted to try and keep the franchise undead. And I can say…this is a better film than the Tribe. This came out a few months after the death of Corey Haim. The Tribe had a credit scene showing Sam as having become a vampire and in an alternate ending, there is a brief shot of Vampire Alan on his way. This film leaves Sam out entirely, instead bringing back Jamison Newlander as Alan Frog. The film makes Edgar Frog (Feldman) the center of the film, though the Frog Brothers are reunited, out to finish off a new crew of vampires.

The Thirst pretty much ignores the Tribe, other than Edgar is living in a shack and his brother is a half vampire.

This time around, we see how Alan was made into a half vampire, leading to a split between the Frog Brothers. Edgar is down on his luck, facing eviction from his camper and trying to raise money by selling his comic book collection. He takes a job from Gwen, a Stephanie Meyer type, to help her find her brother, who she believes has been captured by vampires. Edgar despises her work for romanticizing vampires, but is convinced that the vampires in question include the first vampire. Edgar tries to recruit Alan to help, but Alan refuses, feeling chances are that killing the head vampire will not do anything.

Edgar is forced to work with reality star Lars who was hired as a fallback for Gwen. They go to the location of the Vampire rave (shades of Blade there) where they take on the vampires. I mean, that is kind of expected, right? There are a couple twists before they reach the end, of course.

As I said…this is better than the previous sequel. This is not saying much, as it is no where near as enjoyable as the original. They try and be somewhat original in this story. Of course, having vampire movies that mock the Twilight franchise is hardly new. Same with reality show characters. The film’s call back moments to the original film kind of work. During an early conversation Alan asks why Edgar did not go to Sam and Edgar states the Sam Turned and he had to stake him. Alan asks about Michael & Star (who are apparently still a couple) and Laddie (the kid vampire in the original). But it also has jokes like: “It turns Holy Water into Holy Slaughter.”

It has it’s moments, and sets up the planned fourth sequel which was going to have the Frog Brothers take on werewolves. It even hints that one of the characters is a werewolf. There was even talk of a Frog Brother TV show. However, Warner Brothers shut down the Warner Premiere label. This killed the the film and TV show for the foreseeable future.

Part of the problem here is that Edgar is a pretty skilled vampire hunter at this point. He and Alan are competent. Part of the charm of the Frog Brothers in the first film was that, for all their talk, they were largely bumbling and ineffective…when they did succeed? It was usually by stupidity or some other intervention. And having them be the skilled folks who are the only ones who know the real danger is just…well, not as much fun.

The film is flashier than the original, but has less of an identity. The fast shots make it look like lots of vampire movies we have seen. The Lost Boys had a style all it’s own. The Thirst does not.

*The film received a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes critic assessment is still at zero to this day. The audience score is 25%…in spite of this, it was one of the top selling videos that year.

October 24, 2016 0

Blood Surf (Lost Boys: Tribe, 2008)

This sequel, directed by P.J. Pesce, came 21 years…um…to late.

Normally, I try and say something about the film that sees possible potential. I mean, Nightmare On Elm Street 2 is not all that great, but at least they tried to tell a totally new story. But this is all I got. Keifer Sutherland’s half brother (he plays the lead vampire) has none of Sutherland’s charm as a vampire. The soundtrack is mostly terrible. And…

(drawn by me)

October 23, 2016 0

Daddy Issues (The Lost Boys, 1987)

Punk rock vampires. This is the film that launched the Coreys (though, both Haim and Feldman were established independently) and helped cement Keifer Sutherland into public consciousness (both he and Feldman were in Stand by Me a year before).

Opening with a quick introduction to Keifer and his buddies, there is a hint of ominous as they harass people having fun at a beach side amusement park. Kicked out by a security guard who finds himself under attack upon the park closing down. We are then introduced to Sam and Michael, whose mother is moving them all to Santa Carla California to start a new life with their Grandpa. Grandpa is revealed to be very quirky. Sam laments there being no TV, but then his Grandpa starts laying down the rules mentions the TV Guide. Sam asks if there is a TV, only to be told, “I just like the TV Guide. You read the TV Guide…you don’t need a TV.”

The family explores the boardwalk amusement area, Sam discovers the Frog Brothers and their parents comic book store. They start to push a vampire comic on him, which Sam initially rejects. Meanwhile, big brother Michael has become infatuated with a beautiful free spirit named Star. All while their mother gets a job at a local video store.

Star turns out to be associated with the punks from earlier…and Michael finds himself drawn into the world of David and his vampire friends. As Michael starts to change, Sam works to save him (with the help of the Frog Brothers). Sam and the Brothers embarrass themselves when they go to prove their mother’s new boyfriend is a vampire (he passes all the tests).

The film ends with a battle royal of Michael and Sam standing against David and his boys leading to a couple of nice twists. The film is visually lush and colorful. There is terrific uses of reds, especially that add a real punch.

The vampire lore sticks pretty close to the typical movie vampire mythology. They fly, drink blood, can mesmerize people, hate garlic and so on. This is not where the film excels though. They bring nothing original to the myths, but they do bring a fun flair. The film is full of humor (Plenty of it from Barnard Hughes as Grandpa). David (Sutherland) is menacing and yet also little more than a petulant trickster child. Feldman and Jamison Newlander are great fun as the Frog Brothers, self styled vampire hunters. Sutherland’s brood truly love and embrace being vampires which helps make this film’s approach really work.

This is not one of the great horror classics, but it is a terrifically fun vampire movie with a killer soundtrack to boot.

October 22, 2016 1

B-Movie Madness (Popcorn, 1991)

Popcorn is one of those horror films that fell into obscurity. Starring a cast of genre vets, it features a fun premise and inventive sequences.

Maggie (Jill Schoelen, the Stepfather) lives with her aunt Suzanne (Dee Wallace Stone, the Howling). Maggie is an aspiring filmmaker haunted by strange dreams of a young girl being chased by a maniacal man with a blade.

She and her film club plan to do a fundraiser by showing old B-Movies in the vein of William Castle. They include gimmicks like props and shocking the audience.

But once the movies start, people begin to die. We discover there is someone running around the theater wearing masks of his victims. Not like Leatherface, but latex.

This is all tied to a film they had opted to not show…it was made by a man who killed his family on stage at the end of the movie. There was a fire and all but one person and a child survived…well, and possibly the filmmaker. The film has a good twist and avoid totally telegraphing it.

The cast is terrific, and the scenarios they find themselves in are entertaining. The late Tom Villard (Who kind of looks like a slightly goofier Tom Hanks) is especially likeable. The film appears to have been made on a budget, but the practical effects are pretty good. The villain’s makeup looks great most of the time, until a bit towards the end when it seems like the prosthetics were coming undone as the actor is speaking. Sadly, the film is hard to find. There has yet to be a Blu-Ray release, and the DVD release years ago was sub-par. Apparently Synapse had plans to release a Blu-Ray, but I cannot locate a story confirming it was ever released, and all the stories announcing it are from 2014. If you can track it down, Popcorn is one of the more enjoyable slasher films from the early 90’s.

October 15, 2016 3

Clowning Around (Clown,2014)

There have been many horror films that mine the scariness of clowns. Jon Watts (Cop Car, Spider-Man: Homecoming) tries to find new ground. And in some respects, he does. Let me begin by saying, if your greatest fear is that a clown will devour your kids? You may want to stay away from Clown.

The film begins with devoted father Kent trying to locate a clown costume when the clown hired for his son’s birthday cancels. He stumbles on one hidden in a house he is helping renovate.

Donning the outfit, he appears at the birthday party and is a hit. He falls asleep on the couch. When he awakens the next morning, he cannot get the suit off. he tries, including using a box cutter and a small hacksaw. None of this works, and the costume remains.

His wife tries to help and successfully removes the nose, but it is is as if she removed part of his actual nose. She questions if he has died his hair, and they discover the wig is now more like actual hair. As things progress, Kent finds himself changing, and the more he changes, the more he desires a special new food source. He tracks down a man who appeared to have owned the suit previously. This old man proceeds to explain that the clown is inspired my a mythical monster that would lure children from the village and eat them. He would eat five children, one for each month of the year. The man promises to help Kent…by beheading him.

Kent flees his family and hides in a motel. Despondent, he attempts suicide. This sequence is a bit amusing because when he shoots himself in the head, the blood spatter is rainbow colored. The demon inside starts to gain greater and greater control. His wife is desperate to help him…and she finds herself in a terrible situation of temptation…can she make sure he gets his last child? Can she sacrifice a child to get Kent back?

The movie is somewhat light-hearted at the beginning, and Andy Powers is both sympathetic and funny. But when we lose Kent and he is the beast, the film’s tone gets brutally dark. There is no way for a happy ending where Kent is redeemed, as he eats four kids in the film, and there is not really coming back from that.

The make-up is quite good and the design of the clown as Kent changes is creepy. Overall, I found the film to be entertaining, and the good stuff is better than the problematic stuff. Clown was made in 2014, and while it has opened throughout the world, it was just released this past September in the U.S. I am not sure why it sat on the shelf for a couple years, as much worse films have gotten released in a timely fashion.

October 14, 2016 0

Nobody Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen (Big Trouble in Little China, 1986)

The fourth outing for Carpenter and Russell is an entertaining blending of genres. Big Trouble In Little China is part action film, part Kung Fu, Part fantasy and all comedy. Russel is the cocky but lovable Jack Burton. Jack’s favorite person is himself and his mouth often seems to get himself in trouble. And he has found it in spades when he visits a friend in China town. His friend, Wang Chi, is raising money to bring his bride to be (Miao Yin) to America. But when she arrives, she is captured by the henchman of the mysterious crime lord David Lo Pan. Lo Pan is seeking her because she has green eyes. And a girl with green eyes are part of a curse.

Along with Wang, Jack is joined by intrepid reporter Gracie Law, her friend Margo, Eddie Lee and Egg Shen, a mystical old Asian man. Jack is an interloper, but is drawn deep into a fight to save Miao from Lo Pan. He has three warriors, each with an elemental super power. While Jack fumbles his way through heroism, it leads to a great battle of both brawn and wits.

Big Trouble in Little China is a loving send-up of both American and Asian Martial Arts action films. This means that…well, yeah…all the Asian Characters know martial arts. But at the same time, the central characters are all individuals. Lo Pan is probably the closest to a stereotype, with James Hong really laying on the accent. Jack is not the last samurai, rather we start with him and stumble into the fight. He is there for his friend. Truth is, the movie makes it clear they do not need Burton, but he is brash and rushes headlong in with a friend.

The film is full of humor, even in action packed moments, it finds the time to give a wink to the viewer. Jack often succeeds by failing in spectacularly amusing ways. The cast is great, Dennis Dun plays Wang Chi as a sincere and heroic young man in love. Kim Cattrall is charming and full of fire as Gracie Law. Donald Li is great fun as friendly tough guy Eddie Lee.

Carpenter does not flex his “fun” muscle a lot. I mean, he does not avoid humor, but this is a straight up action comedy, among other things, and Carpenter shows a real flair for it. Big Trouble in Little China is definitely one of Carpenter’s funniest films and is best viewed with a group.

Oh yeah…and this film had more roles for Asian actors than the live action Ghost in the Shell.

October 13, 2016 0

It’s Only a Severed Hand (Return of the Living Dead Part 2, 1988)

The thing about horror movies, they do not have to be smashing successes to get a sequel. The first film gained a cult following long after this sequel. Return of the Living Dead 2 had no

involvement from Dan O’Bannon, and instead was written and directed by Ken Wiederhorn. Wiederhorn wrote and directed a Nazi Zombie movie starring Peter Cushing called Shockwaves eleven years prior. The last film he directed before Return of the Living Dead Part 2 was 1984’s Meatballs 2 (first of three sequels without Bill Murray).

The only link to the first film is the cannisters of zombies. This time one falls from a truck and lands in the sewer near a new housing development. Jesse is a kid bullied by Billy and Johnny. They discover the canister and release the gas. Elsewhere we meet Ed, Joey and Brenda. Ed and Joey are bumbling grave robbers and Brenda was tagging along because she is Joey’s best girl. Ed and Joey are exposed to the gas while in a mausoleum. They are terrified as they see the dead arise around them.

The fun conceit of Ed and Joey is they are played by James Karen and Thom Mathews…Frank and Freddy. Their performances are just as fun this time around. In this film, they are the side story. The central story follows Jesse, his sister, her boyfriend and an older neighbor trying to get out of the housing development alive.

Although it follows a lot of the same beats of the previous film, the ending has a decidedly different tone. The humor sticks pretty close to the first film, and they find a new way to use one of the best gags in the first film. The end result is a decently entertaining follow up. It is not quite as good as it’s predecessor, but it is a pretty admirable attempt to recapture the fun.

October 6, 2016 0