Why Did It Have to Be Aliens? (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,2008)

Or…Indy Gets Old. Lucas envisioned a new Indiana Jones trilogy, with one change. Where the first three films focused on religious and supernatural artifacts, the new films would focus on science fiction themed artifacts. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is set in the 1950’s for this reason, and instead of Nazis, the villains are Russians.

The film opens with Indy and his friend Mac as prisoners of the Russians. They are taken to Area 51 to locate a potential weapon. Jones mounts an escape that leads to one of those narrow escapes that got a lot of ridicule…hiding in a fridge to avoid a nuclear explosion. I am not sure this is really any more outrageous than his other exploits in other films. Is it crazier than jumping from a plane in an inflatable raft? Indy returns to his college job, only to find himself pursued by the CIA and the Russians.

He runs into a kid named Mutt…Mutt wants his help to save his mom…Marion Ravenwood. What follows is an adventure involving the Crystal Skull. The real Crystal Skulls are carved human skulls. People believed they were ancient creations, but all the skulls studied have revealed to have been made in the 19th century and there does not seem to be any mythology that corroborates the claims of being Mesoamerican or even Native American.

The film ignores this and posits that there is a hidden city in the Amazon jungles. And the skull is not human, but rather an elongated alien skull. The film indulges aliens and psychic powers. But a lot of the action harkens back to the earlier films.

At the same time, there is little room for anything resembling an emotional resonance…this is because the film relies heavily on goofy moments. The action is full of it. During an overly long chase (where the Crystal Skull keeps leaping between Indy’s crew and the Russians) Mutt gets caught in a tree. He ends up swinging Tarzan style through the trees surrounded by monkeys.

The film also never really surprises. From the moment Mutt appears, you can see where his storyline is leading. Mutt is also kind of annoying. I mean, he is less annoying than Sam Witwicky in the Transformer films…but he gets irritating none the less.

On the other hand, it is really great to see Marion back on the screen. And she gets some real good moments within the action scenes. She is not just there to be saved, but does the saving. And the cast is a high point. You have Cate Blanchett as the lead Russian, John Hurt as an old mentor of Indiana Jones, and Jim Broadbent in a small role as Indy’s boss.

And John Williams provides the score. John Williams has created many iconic themes from Star Wars to Superman. And his soundtrack in all the Indiana Jones films is top notch. As the main Indy theme plays in every movie, it makes you anticipate excitement.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a disappointing return for a cinematic hero.

September 27, 2017 0

Moonshine (Transformers: Dark of the Moon,2011)

So the Autobots came to earth in an attempt to escape with a weapon the Decepticons wanted. It was lost when it bumped into our moon. On board is Sentinal Prime. Turns out when they established Optimus was the Last Prime in the previous film…it was incorrect.

Sam is no longer with Mikaela, instead he lives with his new hot girlfriend who is introduced to the audience with a five minute tracking shot focused solely on her ass. Because what better way to introduce you cast member. It is not presented with any eye of satire or self criticism. The Autobot’s relationship with the Government is a bit stressed, and when there is a betrayal, the Decepticons make a threat to the world to get rid of the Autobots. Chicago is totaled as they take over.

Again, the effects look great and the cast is absurdly good. Frances McDormand, Alan Tudyk, Leonard Nimoy and John Malkovich join the mostly returning cast. But the frustrating thing here is that some of the characterization feels off. The fact that Sam is still lacking any confidence is tremendously nervous is tiring. He is a goof, yet (among other things) gets stunning girlfriends and has directly saved the world twice before this film. There is no evidence that people think he is a joke, so the idea he cannot get a higher level job than a mail-room clerk is hard to believe. The character has not grown at all since his introduction in 2007.

In the beginning, Optimus Prime is pretty in character as a noble leader and warrior. But towards the end of the film he lets thousands die to teach Earth a lesson about how needed the Autobots are. He coldly kills characters who are surrendering and begging for mercy.

I noted in the Revenge of the Fallen review that Fox was gone after that. According to production interviews with Bay the reason Fox was gone? She looked different when she came in for the third film. He heavily implies that she had enough surgery that she looked nothing like her character anymore. Bay laments that “for some reason” women in the entertainment industry feel a need to “change their looks”. Has Michael Bay actually seen one of his movies? Because if he has, he might get a clue as to why actresses “change their appearance”. And to replace Fox? He hired a model (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) who had never acted before. Because being an actress is unnecessary for a Michael Bay film.

The story is another revision to the series…every film to this point revises why the Autobots and Decepticons are here. The effects and stunts are the high point. And that is about it. Maybe these are the best they can do with a toy robot collection. But that should not be the case. Creativity should be possible, even with a toy based franchise.

August 4, 2016 0

What Script? (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, 2009)

The story goes that they started filming the movie without a full script. Not a rough script…an unfinished script lacking an end…among other things. It is a real mess of ideas and makes for a completely incoherent film. Sam goes to college, leaves Mikaela behind until the action kicks in. And the army guys and Autobots are a team. Remember how the Autobots came to Earth for the All Spark? Wait, it is not why…now they came to stop the Fallen, who came to earth thousands of years ago. And Optimus Prime is Autobot Jesus. There are black stereotype Autobots (what is it woth Bay and race based “humor”?). The film brings in the Constructicons who make one big vacuum cleaner.

The cast is, as before quite good. But they seem lost and unsure where they are going…I almost expect to see a script supervisor to run into frame and hand people pages with their updated lines and story. The mess has great effect, but raises weird questions. The Decepticons send a sexy girl to go after Sam. She looks and apparently feels human to the touch…if this is a possibility…um, why are they turning into cars and planes and tape decks?!

Why?

This is the film that got Megan Fox in trouble…she called Bay Hitler. And word is Producer Steven Spielberg sent her packing. But I suspect it was different than that. Bay sticks with the Cleavage and Explosions formula. But in the end…nothing save this from being a complete implosion of a film.

August 3, 2016 0

It Meets The Eye (Transformers, 2007)

When it was announced that there was a live action Transformers movie on the way, former kids everywhere rejoiced. Even when it was announced that Eye Candy & Explosions Master Michael Bay was directing the film, we did not let that stop our hopes for “Awesome”. The final product? Well, I guess it as as good as any Alien Robots That Turn Into Cars and Stuff movie could be.

Introducing us to Sam Witwicky…in the old cartoons there was a Witwicky, but if they are meant to be related or if it is just a fan service thing…I don’t know. Sam is a …uh…jittery and nervous kind of guy. He has his heart set on Mikaela…who hangs with a different crowd. Unfortunately robots who turn into cars totally interfere.

It is hard to sum the film up, as the cast is huge. HUUUUUGE. There are army guys, secret undercover agents. Sam’s overbearing parents. Hackers (Cute Blonde and antsy black guy). Racial Stereotypes abound. In some way, most of them come together and help the Autobots fight the Decepticons.

Bay hires a lot of actresses for their eye candy factor. When an attractive girl is on screen, the camera lingers as he makes her pose. I can just hear him telling Megan Fox as she is looking over a car engine “Lean forward a little more!” The Autobots came to earth to find the “All Spark” and we humans have been hiding it. Okay…that is the basic plot. Plus cleavage and explosions.

Remember that huge cast? One thing that blows my mind is how Bay can populate his films with solid actors. I mean, Armageddon had a cast made up almost entirely of indie movie actors and Bruce Willis. The script is not confusing, but it takes awhile to come together as a whole.

The robots look quite good. And it is fun that they cast Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime) and Charlie Adler (Starscream) reprise their roles from the 80’s cartoon. The film can be very exciting and it is a real effects spectacle. Light on plot and characterization, it may be okay for a mindless evening.

August 2, 2016 2