Last Time Around (The Last House on the Left, 2009)

After the Hills Have Eyes, studios aimed for Craven’s Rape and Revenge flick, The Last House on the Left.

Like the Hills Have Eyes, this one hews extremely close to the source material. A virginal young woman hangs out with her more worldly friend, they meet a young man and hang out with him, only to discover he is not on his own. He is with his father and his gang. This leads to the rape and murder of her friend and her own rape and assumed death.

The gang shows up at her parent’s house during a storm seeking shelter. The girl shows up at the house and her parents realize they have her assailants in the house. The parents fight back to avenge their child and things get violent.

The original film really impacted me. I was ill during the rape and the tone of that film was unpleasant and incredibly gritty. This version? Just left me feeling nothing. I never found the film to cause the discomfort. It is too clean and modern. So even though the film is graphic, I just felt nothing.

This is actually too bad, as this is a fairly good cast.

I would not recommend this film. It adds nothing on the original and lacks any sense of emotion or urgency.

Worst Plan Ever (Shark Night 3-D, 2011)

Shark_Night_PosterShark Night 3-D is the exciting tale of pretty college students under siege by digital sharks in a swamp.  Oh, this may sound like a Sy Fy film, but it actually appeared in theaters.

All the kids are going to Sara’s family home.  After the camera follows the drive at high speed and set to a pop alternative rock song.  They meet up with some hicks who have a grudge against Sara. These are the kind of stereotypical creepy hicks who hate things like “learnin'”.  And one has apparently filed his teeth into “shark” teeth.  Foreshadowing.  They also meet the local water sheriff played by Donal Logue.  Just a good old boy who still likes Sara.  Not romantically.  Just buddies.

While water skiing, a shark takes the arm off of one of the kids.  This unleashes a series of problems that just get worse and worse.  But the guy who lost an arm and a whole lot of blood manages to stab a hammerhead shark to death in revenge for another shark eating his girlfriend.

Of course, the film does not leave it a mystery as to why the swamp is full of random sharks.  Some of the creepy hicks did it.  You know why?  To get rich.  Ah ha!  An elaborate ransom scheme?! No!  Do you guys know how popular Shark Week is?!  DO YOU???? The creepy hicks think if they feed people to the sharks and film it, they will rake in the cash.  So, yeah, not really a well thought out plan.

When the characters with the most depth and personality are the embarrassingly stereotypical redneck hicks, you know there are problems.  I find myself forgetting just which of the characters died.  I would wonder about where a character was…or worse, why they were suddenly back on the boat.

I feel like I need to say something positive.

The digital sharks look okay.  Is that something?  Yeah, that qualifies.

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