Stupid College Kids vs Demon Nuns (The Convent, 2000)

The film opens with a an attractive girl in a leather jacket and sunglasses enters a convent and proceeds to blow away nuns with a shot gun before burning the place down… all played to the strains of “You Don’t Own Me” by Lesley Gore. This is a highly effective scene. There is a tongue in cheek tone set by this that carries through the whole film.

The film jumps ahead to the present (well, 2000). A bunch of college kids visit the convent to smoke dope, make-out and commit acts of vandalism. But some aspiring satanists show up, hoping to get power with a ritual sacrifice. Except, these are one of the most inept groups of satanists you will likely ever meet.

As noted, the Convent is a very tongue in cheek film. And the dialog tends to be pretty solid. The performances are pretty good, in large part because everyone seems to be having a lot of fun with it. There is a character in the film that reminds me totally of Richmond from the IT Crowd…but, uh the movie came first. Adrienne Barbeau is also awesomely badass in the film.

It is also full of gore, though all the demons seem to have neon blood, making it all very cartoonish.

I will say, there is some humor that has not aged particularly well. It is amusing when two guys are tied up as ritual sacrifices and one character suggests they have sex. The joke plays out to long, and goes from funny to uncomfortable as it pushes the gay character into the role of a predator continuing to push the other guy for sex.

But the Convent is a whole lot of gore infused fun, and just does not seem to be recognized much anymore. I would recommend it, as it still holds up as a fun flick.

October 7, 2019 0

How Can This Go Wrong?! (the Possession Experiment, 2016)

Beginning with a tragic attempt at Exorcism, the Possession Experiment leaps ahead about 20 years and introduces us to a theology student choosing to do a thesis on the inviting of a possession. Surely, this is a wise move.

After discovering the tale of a coverup of an exorcism that went horribly wrong Brandon convinces his stoner class partner to conduct an experiment in which he will call upon a demon to possess him and stream the entire thing online.

This, of course, sparks an outcry from the local religious community. His father reveals that Brandon has connections to the failed exorcism that he had never been told about.

The film is an attempt at a modern spin on exorcism and possession stories, but it is heavily informed by stories outside that genre. At one point it becomes more of a combination of a slasher and resident evil styled monster flick. When the big twist comes, it all feels pretty…well, too little too late.

The character motivations seem to be very lacking. There is nothing in the script or performance to sell the audience on the notion that Brandon has real solid emotional reasons for exploring this dark material. He has no real sense of faith, nor an apparent desire to debunk possession. He just thinks it will make a cool thesis…I guess?

The Posession Experiment actually holds a lot of potential as a s[iritual horror film….but it never comes close to exploring it.

October 15, 2018 0

Fear of Santa Claus Pt 3 (Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out, 1989)

In the 3rd installment, things get weird. The first two films were straight up slasher films. This film introduces a psychic blind girl who has a connection to Ricky. Ricky was not killed in the second film…instead he is in a coma and someone chopped off the top of his head and replaced it with a plastic dome which shows off his brain. So, yeah…it is getting weird.

Why scientists would want to have a psychic connect with a serial killer is a bit uncertain, though they say something about seeing what he sees. But of course, Ricky wakes up and pursues Laura (the previously mentioned blind psychic girl) to her family gathering at a cabin. And he, you know, kills people.

One of the things that stands out is just how truly unpleasant Laura is. Especially when she is talking to her brother and his girlfriend. Both are friendly and kind towards her, and all she can do is offer snarky and condescending comments.

Robert Culp is the police officer pursuing Ricky, which I suspect was an attempt to make the film seem more legit. On Culp’s part, I suspect it was simply a paycheck. Culp is probably the strongest thing in the film, and his exchanges with the doctor responsible for Ricky’s reawakening can be amusing. The doctor has his moments, as when he tell’s Culp in a deadly serious voice “Science is the only way to restore our innocence.”

I am a big fan of Bill Moseley, who plays Ricky here…but the character does not offer him much opportunity to perform. He just stumbles around, looking like he is in a daze. And sometimes he says “Laura” in a raspy whisper. But hey, he has a dome on his head. That is something.

This might very well be the best film in the franchise. But make being less terrible is still quite terrible.

December 7, 2016 0

Let’s Visit Texas Part 7 (Texas Chainsaw 3D, 2013)

Picking right up where the original film ended, Texas Chainsaw opens with a recap of the original Massacre. This is one of the best parts of the film as the remastering on the original film’s footage is really nice. The film starts it’s own story with the town sheriff driving out to the Sawyer clan’s house. He confronts the family, but a lynch mob shows up. A fire is started and the mob celebrates the Sawyer family demise. One of the mob discovers a mother and her baby, he kills the mother and he and his wife raise the baby as their own, naming her Heather.

40 years later, Heather is about 24 years old. Yes, the film starts in 1974 and picks up in 2012. Yes the young woman is clearly in her twenties.

Anyways, Heather gets a special delivery package telling her that her biological mother has died. Her friends pack up a van (what is it the Texas Chainsaw Massacres and vans?) and head down to Texas for her inheritance. She finds out she has inherited a very large house. She also finds that her grandmother was not particularly liked by the local townsfolk…what with her being related to the Sawyer clan and all. The mob ringleader Burt is now the mayor, and he offers to buy the property. Heather politely declines. While partying at the mansion, Heather’s friends start getting picked off by Leatherface (who apparently ages at the same rate as Heather). She manages to reach town, which alerts Burt and the others that Leatherface is not dad as previously assumed. And this is when Heather discovers that the townsfolk are as much a threat to her as Leatherface.

And herein lies the biggest problem film. It makes Leatherface more sympathetic and less of a villain than other characters in the film. He is more sympathetic than Burt and his cronies, to the point that the Sheriff refuses to interfere when Leatherface gets the upper hand. Heather takes him home and takes the role of caretaker for Leatherface.

It is a visually nice film, but the characters are paper thin archetypes. The continuity is pretty shoddy. Where did all the Sawyer family members come from at the beginning? It is not really clear. How is Heather not nearly 40 in the film? Why doesn’t Leatherface know Heather is coming? I mean, aside from it makes more sense when he initially tries to kill her. Texas Chainsaw is a very weak film (though the 3D works pretty well). Sure, it is better than Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III or the abysmal Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. But that is not saying a lot.

October 31, 2016 0

Let’s Visit Texas Part 2 (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, 1986)

the_texas_chainsaw_massacre_part_2_poster — Don’t You, Forget About Me…

Cannon Films got the rights to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and immediately set to get Hooper to make a sequel. Except, Hooper was not really interested in a sequel. He agreed to be a producer, but only after they found they could not afford a director, did Hooper agree to direct.

While the studio expected a straight up horror film, Hooper had something else in mind. A gory and dark comedy. This is even evident in their poster, which mimics the Breakfast Club poster.

Two guys harass radio DJ Stretch (Caroline Williams), only to find themselves attacked and killed by Leatherface and his clan. This is a pretty memorable scene, in part due to the obnoxious preppy guys and their demise. Stretch starts to rebroadcast to solve the crime.

Meanwhile, the crime is also being investigate by Lefty (Dennis Hopper)…Lefty has been on the trail of the Sawyer family for over a decade, as they killed his nephew Franklin and nearly killed niece Sally. Leatherface and Chop Top (a family member who was in Vietnam during the first film) show up to the radio station looking for Stretch. She convinces Leatherface to let her live, rushing off with Chop Top. She follows them to their new home (they are hiding out in below what appears to be a the remains of a theme park). Soon Lefty shows up as well. This results in a big chainsaw fight between Lefty and the family.

The film’s final scene mimics the original film’s final moments, but reverses them. The film also is where the cannibalism aspect comes in. The family has an award winning chili recipe (hint, the special ingredient is people meat) that they take around Texas.

The cast here is a lot of fun. Hopper is over the top as Lefty and his Chainsaw battle is downright hilarious. William’s handles being both the terrified victim, yet also is smart enough to find ways to survive. Bill Mosely is great as the absurd Chop Top, the weird hippie of the family. Bill JohnsonThe make-up effects and set design are beautifully theatrical.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was not well received, but it’s become a cult classic, and deservedly so. It is entertaining, even though it is not a scary film by any means. Horror fans should not miss this clever skewering of Horror sequel tropes.

October 26, 2016 1

The Night He Became a Zombie (Halloween, 2007)

After the failure of Halloween Resurrection, The franchise regrouped and tried to figure out their next step. And they were stumped. So what they decided to do? Reboot the franchise.

Rob Zombie had two films under his belt, and while the response to House of a 1,000 Corpses was tepid, exploitation fans ate up the semi sequel the Devil’s Rejects. The producers decided Zombie could rev new life into the franchise.

The end result is kind of mixed. To begin, the original gave us very little of Michael’s childhood. He puts on a clown mask, kills his sister, his parents come home…BAM! Jump to the present. The film was more focused on Laurie and her friends, with little attention given to Michael’s past. All that we really got was he came from a standard suburban family.

Zombie changed all that. Instead, we were introduced to a little boy from a white trash home. his stripper mom has an abusive boyfriend…his sister Judith is verbally abusive and mom boyfriend leer at her…and so on. He is bullied at school, and little Mikey Myers has issues…he kills animals and gets into fights. And he actually kills before he kills his sister. He actually goes on a killing spree that culminates in his sister’s death. The only person left is his baby sister and mother.

Michael continues to be creepy and violent in the hospital. He grows up to escape, being hunted by his psychiatrist Sam Loomis. We are almost halfway through the film before we meet the teen Laurie Strode and her friends. So, the film tends to be a rush to get to the end, with Michael slashing what seems to be half the town.

The most enjoyable part of the film is the cast. It is a horror and exploitation who’s who. Brad Dourif (Child’s Play), Malcolm McDowell, Danielle Harris (Halloween 4 & 5), Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead) among others play either prominent characters or have cameos.

This is a bloody exploitation take on the franchise, unlike prior attempts. Depending on the version you watch, it can be potentially triggering for a viewer. The theatrical cut has Michael fighting a bunch of guards to escape…in the unrated cut, he escapes when the sleazy asylum employees drag a girl into Michael’s room so they can rape her on his bed (?!). It is a pretty sickening scene that was not needed. And truth be told, I might like the film more if is was just Rob Zombie’s Exploitation Horror Movie. But calling its lead “monster” Michael Myers and having the title of Halloween invites a lot of comparisons.

The biggest is that part of what made Michael Myers scary in the original was his ambiguity. What little we could see was he appeared to come from a middle class family.There appeared to be no abuse. Michael appeared to lack any warning signs. That question made him very frightening. Rob Zombie’s Halloween gives us a view of a textbook case of the “childhood of a serial killer”. Michael has everything working against him. Michael should be haunting and this new back story ruins that. It makes Michael a predictable monster, rather than a foreboding shape.

Michael kills more in the reboot…and we get more profanity. The exploitation approach does make it stand out from the other horror reboots…rather than a glossier reboot, Zombie gives us a grittier one.

The standout for me in Rob Zombie’s Halloween films is probably Brad Dourif’s Sheriff Bracken. He remains a good-hearted heroic type angry with Loomis for what has been unleashed on this town he protects. Dourif does not seem to get a lot of those roles, and he is actually quite good at it.

October 30, 2015 1